WHO'S WILL????

[ChrisK]

What if, God went on vacation? I've been off this week on a needed vacation. Too much stress, everyone here knows what I'm saying. Guess what, I'm forgetting to do my daily meditations and guess what? My days have been going crappy. You get what you deserve. That's a tough one. How is it good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people?
I'm as bad as they get. I'm trying to be better. Anytime my disease can, it tells me I'm worthless. I have to remind myself, I can be of help to other people that, I have a purpose to fulfill. I think, we're all put on a earth for a reason. LOl Maybe, I'm here to serve as a poster boy for Aa. I'm here to tell any one young in here quit drinking and drugging before you waste a lot of good years. BTW, God thanks for not taking a vacation like I did this week.

[~graced~]

Nah............I don't 'forget' to do what's required, I make a choice, Chris. I don't know about you........ I can only speak for me. I make the conscious choice. And some times, I can convince me that 'just for today' I'll skip that reading, I'll let that book lay there and pick it up tomorrow, I'll pass on doing that nightly inventory, I'll go to that meeting next week........... I have a 'right' to take a break, afterall. I work hard. Doesn't everyone deserve a night off, a break from the routine? Don't I work hard and do a whole lot of service to others? Isn't it 'my turn'?

See, I have that 'ism' still alive and well in me. Nope, I didn't pick up today. Isn't that a testimony in and of itself of what's different in my life today? Of course it is. Good for us! Only...........how'd we get to today? I know how I got here.........a day at a time, becoming disciplined in the 'rituals' and 'routines' of the program, making it a way of life. I got here by having this big burly dude who rang me every morning to ask what that morning reading was about. "About staying sober and letting G-d help me?" LOL You can bet he was at my door within the hour and we'd be doing that reading out of the 24 Hour Book together. I didn't see the point. I did see the point once I did get disciplined and life got different. Not unlike you, my attitude was affected by where I'd turn my thoughts to first thing in the morning. Living life on G-d's terms came through living the program.

So, yep........I'm entitled after 'x' amount of years around the tables to take a hiatus now and then. I can skip meetings, not do readings, glance at that 10th step that sits on the night stand...........and even fail to hit the knees first thing in the morning and last thing at night. It's a choice I can make, cuz ya know............after all these 24 hours, I've pretty well got it down pat! I know the routines, I know the principles, I know the Big Book front and back. I've been reading out of it daily for all these 24 hours.........good grief, I oughta know what's in there!

I missed the meeting when a gal asked the group for help quietly and people were a bit occupied with other things and failed to hear her. Two days later, found dead in her apartment from an overdose.

I didn't bother to do that tenth step........and sure as heck, missed that amends that I owed to someone, failed to make it and wondered why in the heck they were so clipped with me for an entire week.

And nope, passed on that reading last night when the message was being grateful for the little things.........and failed to recognize some accomplishment of a friend who sorely needed an encouraging word.

I don't know about you--but I need my wheels aligned all the time. Life's a bumpy road, ya know?

This is a way of life for me. It's not a chore, it's not some 'thing I gotta do', it's not a two meetings a week, 60 minutes during the meeting kinda existance.........it's just how I live today. And it's a good life.

Ya know, I was disciplined in what time the bars opened, what time they closed and which bartender would give me the better treatment. I was disciplined in how to get a bag without getting caught and where to hide the stuff so it wasn't found in a search of a vehicle. I was disciplined in how to con and bluff and lie and rip people off. I was disciplined in how to manipulate and lie to people to escape responsibility. It was a way of life. And I lived with the wreckage that way of life created. Today I live with the love that comes from a G-d who's proud of me...... who sees fit to have purpose to this life that I was trashing with the disciplines I believed would bring me happiness and good times.

Nah. For me it's a choice to skip those readings........to pass on a meeting........to give myself permission to become complacent cuz "I deserve it".

Golly.......let's take a backwards glance and talk about what this gal REALLY deserves, eh?

G-d's a busy diety, no doubt. I'm sure grateful He's not inclined to take that 'vacation', ya know? Cuz I'm pretty convinced, He's done a WHOLE lotta works and probably IS entitled!

*hugs*

[ChrisK]

Maybe, if I do what I'm supposed to do, I wouldn't be asking for help. I can spend my time thanking instead of asking. I've slipped since I went on vacation. We can't get to lazy in this program and take it for granted

[~graced~]

" I'm as bad as they get. I'm trying to be better. Anytime my disease can, it tells me I'm worthless. I have to remind myself, I can be of help to other people that, I have a purpose to fulfill. I think, we're all put on a earth for a reason."

Not unlike you, that disease thinking is still existant in my life. I spent a whole lotta time self imprisoned by my own perception of me. I tried to drink and use that sense of worthlessness away, which obviously didn't work. Even sober.......It became a self fulfilling destruction. If my worth and value 'wasn't', if I truly simply wasn't a worthwhile person, one not worthy of being loved--what's the point, ya know?

I had a heck of a battle simply letting G-d love me, let alone trusting that He did. For ten years of sobriety that second step applied to me, cuz there was a power greater than me that could restore me to sanity. But that was about it. I could surrender and get a daily reprieve from picking up that first drink. I could see 'good' in the world, I could watch loving things happen for me, but I couldn't embrace the idea that G-d truly could love ME. Maybe for a few hours, maybe even for a day or two--but that 'ism' would creep back and I'd be convinced one more time that my worth and value simply didn't exist. Even ten years worth of fourth and fifth step didn't give me a sense of reprieve from that self imposed prison of worthlessness.

Sucked.......and at ten years 'sober', I was 'done'. And nearly succeeded. Should have--except G-d had other plans and made arrangements.

I had an cranky oldfart sponsor..LOL Still have a couple of those in my life cuz they're suppose to be there, apparently..LOL He had me recite "else ya F***ing die" after each step that was read. That's how concrete, how 'in your face' it had to get for this alcoholic. Cuz for me, it was a matter of life or death. I still have that pause after I read each step in How It Works--cuz I'm reminding me of that reality.

I do NOT have to have a drink in hand to be working towards death. I can do that to myself. I have a good case of the 'ISM' still in me.

Never, ever underestimate the power of reaching out to another human being. In spite of a world telling me, "you can't love someone until you come to love you", I practiced the fine art of brotherly love and THEN had the awakening that it applied to me as well. Yep, backwards....LOL...but I'm alcoholic and I'm prone to having things backasswards in the first place. I could love others just fine--whole hearted and with a whole lot of energy. It was the loving ME that I had a tough time with. It was the allowing of other's love to touch that spot in my heart and embracing it that I wouldn't let happen. I know how contridicting that is with the theory that you have to love you before you can truly love others--I also know it ran that backasswards for me.

So you just embrace the knowledge of what it was that you said:
"I can be of help to other people that, I have a purpose to fulfill. I think, we're all put on a earth for a reason." When I embraced that and put effort into doing that and living that, I 'got' how other's worth and value just "IS"..and I was able to embrace that THAT was true for me as well.

G-d and me have been 'tight' ever since...LOL

((((((((Chris))))))))

It's a good day to be alive, sober and loving!

[TxRainwater]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Chris))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you Chris for your honesty. I truly do appreciate you sharing. Glad you made it home.

Graced, your messaged really spoke to me. Thank you for what I needed tonight and didn't really know it. It's great how my HP works that way.

TEXT"I had a heck of a battle simply letting G-d love me, let alone trusting that He did. For ten years of sobriety that second step applied to me, cuz there was a power greater than me that could restore me to sanity. But that was about it. I could surrender and get a daily reprieve from picking up that first drink. I could see 'good' in the world, I could watch loving things happen for me, but I couldn't embrace the idea that G-d truly could love ME. Maybe for a few hours, maybe even for a day or two--but that 'ism' would creep back and I'd be convinced one more time that my worth and value simply didn't exist."

########

that is me right now.

I think I'll keep coming back.
Love and light,
Brenda

[johnl]

Hey Graced-----I am over at John's place and we just read the line you mentioned about say "else ya freakin
die" We said all 12 steps out loud and added that line to it and WOW!!! That is a powerful message!!! Thanks so much for giving us a mini meeting tonite!!!!

Chris---I hope that when you say you slipped it meant ya just forgot to read your books. I sure hope it didn't mean that ya went back to drinking!!! I was told early on that S.L.I.P.=SOBRIETY LOSES ITS PRIORITY
I hope you sober today Honey!!! Sincerely----Mistyeve

[caressa]

Thanks for sharing Chris. Isolation is part of our disease and I know that when it happened to me, the soul sickness set in and I was fortunate that I had a big support group and I didn't pick up.

So many times in the last year I have been made aware that all I have is today. It is about what I do with today that counts. Yesterday is gone, can't change it, tomorrow hasn't arrived, and all I have is yesterday to base my thinking on, so when I live and stay in today, I gain the freedom of sobriety.

My God always wants what's best for me. He gives me freedom of choice. When I align my will with His, then the choice is always for good!

[Tiger]

Hi Chris,

I don't know if you "slipped" thinking or "drinking/drugging"?

I know the feeling of being "worthless" and I also know the feeling of "slipping" in and out of AA which can make you feel "worthless"!

Were all "equally" God's children - rich or poor, sick or healthy, slipping or staying sober. No one is above or below this "equality".

Good things happen to both good and bad people as bad things also happen to good and bad people. I don't know why but I do know nothing happens by mistake in our lives. IMO there's a "game plan" being called by God which has a purpose in our lives. When I'm in the vally, I know God can see over the next mountain top, I can't!.....and "good"....will ultimately come out of our present situation.....in....His time! - it's called "Divine Providence" I don't have to like it but I do have to accept it while I'm in that vally.

Keeping it simple - "feeling worthless" is a form of "self-pity as in "for other people the birds sing, for me, they crap on my head".<g>

The current article "Why Are We Drinking?" which appears in this month's Grapevine is based on my story which is displayed in it's entirety on EOR's home site under stories. It's entitled......."No One Is Hopeless" by John C., Chicago.

Upon reading that, you may stop feeling "worthless", because if I can stay sober..........SO CAN YOU!

Tiger

[majestyjo]

Sounds a lot like the theme continued, my will or my God's Will. I know my will seldom gets me to where I need to be.