Post by caressa on Jul 15, 2011 16:34:23 GMT -5
Pissing contests about who used how much and who acted bad are ego trips in reverse. 'It doesn't matter what or how much we used. In NA, staying clean has to come first. We realize that we cannot use drugs and live.' (P 19, NA Basic Text).
When I brag about how much I used, how bad it was, and how much damage I did, I am doing one of two things, trying to make myself look larger or them smaller.
- Pocket Sponsor
Liked this, as I was told that I didn't qualify because I didn't use street drugs. I did try pot and hash once, got so sick, I didn't use again. Resented losing the alcohol that I had drank.
It isn't about how much I used or what I used, it is what it does to me when I do use.
I was only governed by the amount that was available.
When I did social drinking, I had 5-10 drinks. It is a progressive disease, at the end of the night, it was did I have more than or less than 20 drinks. That was just at the Legion, that doesn't count what I drank before I went or after I went home.
Helped a friend drink half a 26er before going to the Legion, had only 5 drinks there and went back to a friend's apartment to a party. I was feeling snapped, fearful because I was losing control. Just about lost it when a friend said, "You are a lot of fun when you are high." I had two desire, "To do it with style and grace (you can't do that drunk) and not to make an a$$ of myself and behave like my ex-husband. I was about to do both.
I was trying to justify my actions, couldn't understand how I got high and realized that I hadn't ate. Of course, that was the problem. The problem wasn't that I drank, it was about not eating. Total denial and always comparing myself to someone else. I always came out on the plus side of the equation because my friends became people who hung out in low places and I joined them because it made me look and feel good.
This is a spiritual disease as well as a physical, mental and emotional one.
When I brag about how much I used, how bad it was, and how much damage I did, I am doing one of two things, trying to make myself look larger or them smaller.
- Pocket Sponsor
Liked this, as I was told that I didn't qualify because I didn't use street drugs. I did try pot and hash once, got so sick, I didn't use again. Resented losing the alcohol that I had drank.
It isn't about how much I used or what I used, it is what it does to me when I do use.
I was only governed by the amount that was available.
When I did social drinking, I had 5-10 drinks. It is a progressive disease, at the end of the night, it was did I have more than or less than 20 drinks. That was just at the Legion, that doesn't count what I drank before I went or after I went home.
Helped a friend drink half a 26er before going to the Legion, had only 5 drinks there and went back to a friend's apartment to a party. I was feeling snapped, fearful because I was losing control. Just about lost it when a friend said, "You are a lot of fun when you are high." I had two desire, "To do it with style and grace (you can't do that drunk) and not to make an a$$ of myself and behave like my ex-husband. I was about to do both.
I was trying to justify my actions, couldn't understand how I got high and realized that I hadn't ate. Of course, that was the problem. The problem wasn't that I drank, it was about not eating. Total denial and always comparing myself to someone else. I always came out on the plus side of the equation because my friends became people who hung out in low places and I joined them because it made me look and feel good.
This is a spiritual disease as well as a physical, mental and emotional one.
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.