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Post by caressa on Feb 1, 2013 2:11:21 GMT -5
Friday, February 1, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Step Two
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
—Step Two of Al-Anon
We come to believe in a better life through the powerful gift of other people - hearing them, seeing them, and watching the gift of recovery at work in their lives.
There is a Power greater than us. There is real hope now that things can and will be different and better for our life and us.
We are not in a "do it ourselves" program. We do not have to exert willpower to change. We do not have to force our recovery to happen. We do not have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps just so we believe that there is a Power greater than ourselves - one who will get the job done in our life. This Power will do for us what your greatest and most diligent efforts could not accomplish.
Our Higher Power will restore us to a sane and beneficial life. All we do is believe.
Look. Watch. See the people around you. See the healing they have found. Then discover your own faith, your own belief, your own healing.
Today, regardless of my circumstances, I will believe to the best of my ability that a Power greater than myself can and will restore me to a peaceful, sane way of living. Then I will relax and let Him do that.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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Post by caressa on Feb 2, 2013 2:06:57 GMT -5
Saturday, February 2, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Trusting Our Higher Power
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.
—Step Three of Al-Anon
So much talk about a Higher Power, God, as we understand God. So much joy as we come to understand Him. Spirituality and spiritual growth are the foundations of change. Recovery from codependency is not a do-it-yourself task.
Is God a relentless taskmaster? A hardhearted, shaming wizard with tricks up the sleeve? Is God deaf? Uncaring? Haphazard? Unforgiving?
No.
A loving God, a caring God. That is the God of our recovery No more pain than is necessary for usefulness, healing, and cleansing. As much goodness and joy as our heart can hold, as soon as our heart is healed, open, and ready to receive God: approving, accepting, instantly forgiving.
God has planned little gifts along the way to brighten our day and sometimes big, delightful surprises perfectly timed, perfect for us.
A Master Artist, God will weave together all our joy, sadness and experience to create a portrait of our life with depth, beauty, sensitivity, color, humor, and feeling.
God as we understand Him: A loving God. The God of our recovery.
Today, I will open myself to the care of a loving God. Then, I will let God show me love.
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Post by caressa on Feb 3, 2013 2:49:02 GMT -5
Sunday, February 3, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Rejecting Shame
Shame can be a powerful force in our life. It is the trademark of dysfunctional families.
Authentic, legitimate guilt is the feeling or thought that what we did is not okay. It indicates that our behavior needs to be corrected or altered, or an amend needs to be made.
Shame is an overwhelming negative sense that who we are isn't okay. Shame is a no-win situation. We can change our behaviors, but we can't change who we are. Shame can propel us deeper into self-defeating and sometimes self-destructive behaviors.
What are the things that can cause us to feel shame? We may feel ashamed when we have a problem or someone we love has a problem. We may feel ashamed for making mistakes or for succeeding. We may feel ashamed about certain feelings or thoughts. We may feel ashamed when we have fun, feel good, or are vulnerable enough to show ourselves to others. Some of us feel ashamed just for being.
Shame is a spell others put on us to control us, to keep us playing our part in dysfunctional systems. It is a spell many of us have learned to put on ourselves.
Learning to reject shame can change the quality of our life. It's okay to be who we are. We are good enough. Our feelings are okay. Our past is okay. It's okay to have problems, make mistakes, and struggle to find our path. It's okay to be human and cherish our humanness.
Accepting ourselves is the first step toward recovery. Letting go of shame about who we are is the next important step.
Today, I will watch for signs that I have fallen into shame's trap. If I get hooked into shame, I will get myself out by accepting myself and affirming that it's okay to be who I am.
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Post by caressa on Feb 4, 2013 1:48:25 GMT -5
Monday, February 4, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Enjoying Recovery
What a journey!
This process of growth and change takes us along an ever-changing road. Sometimes the way is hard and craggy. Sometimes we climb mountains. Sometimes we slide down the other side on a toboggan.
Sometimes we rest.
Sometimes we grope through the darkness. Sometimes we're blinded by sunlight.
At times many may walk with us on the road; sometimes we feel nearly alone.
Ever changing, always interesting, always leading someplace better, someplace good.
What a journey!
Today, God, help me relax and enjoy the scenery. Help me know I'm right where I need to be on my journey.
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Post by caressa on Feb 5, 2013 4:05:27 GMT -5
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Financial Responsibility
We are responsible for ourselves financially.
What a frightening, grown up thought that is for many of us - taking responsibility for money and our financial affairs. For many of us, handing over responsibility for our financial affairs has been part of a codependent trade off in our relationships.
Some of our emotional dependency on others, on this tight tie that binds us to others, not in love, but in need and desperation, is directly related to financial dependency. Our fears and reluctance to take responsibility for our financial affairs can be a barrier to the freedom we're seeking in recovery.
Financial responsibility is an attitude. Money goes out to pay for necessities and luxuries. Money must come in, in order to go out. How much needs to come in to equal that which is going out?
Taxes... savings plans...appropriate spending habits that demonstrate an attitude of financial responsibility.... Part of being alive means learning to handle money. Even if we have a healthy contract with someone that allows us to depend on him or her for money, we still need to understand how money works. We still need to adopt an attitude of financial responsibility for ourselves. Even if we have a contract with someone else to provide for our financial needs, we need to understand the workings of the money earned and spent in our life.
Self-esteem will increase when we increase our sense of being financially responsible for ourselves. We can start where we are, with what we have today.
God, help me become willing to let go of my fears and reluctance to face the necessary parts of handling money responsibly in my life. Show me the lessons I need to learn about money.
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Post by caressa on Feb 6, 2013 2:28:36 GMT -5
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Stopping Victimization
Before recovery, many of us lacked a frame of reference with which to name the victimization and abuse in our life. We may have thought it was normal that people mistreated us. We may have believed we deserved mistreatment; we may have been attracted to people who mistreated us.
We need to let go, on a deep level, of our need to be victimized and to be victims. We need to let go of our need to be in dysfunctional relationships and systems at work, in love, in family relationships, in friendships. We deserve better. We deserve much better. It is our right. When we believe in our right to happiness, we will have happiness.
We will fight for that right, and the fight will emerge from our souls. Break free from oppression and victimization.
Today, I will liberate myself by letting go of my need to be a victim, and I'll explore my freedom to take care of myself. That liberation will not take me further away from people I love. It will bring me closer to people and more in harmony with God's plan for my life.
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Post by caressa on Feb 7, 2013 1:22:42 GMT -5
Thursday, February 7, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Owning Our Power
We need to make a distinction between powerlessness and owning our power.
The first step in recovery is accepting powerlessness. There are some things we can't do, no matter how long or hard we try. These things include changing other people, solving their problems, and controlling their behavior. Sometimes, we feel powerless over ourselves - what we feel or believe, or the effects of a particular situation or person on us.
It's important to surrender to powerlessness, but it's equally important to own our power. We aren't trapped. We aren't helpless. Sometimes it may feel like we are, but we aren't. We each have the God-given power, and the right, to take care of ourselves in any circumstance, and with any person. The middle ground of self-care lies between the two extremes of controlling others and allowing them to control us. We can walk that ground gently or assertively, but in confidence that it is our right and responsibility.
Let the power come to walk that path.
Today, I will remember that I can take care of my self. I have choices, and I can exercise the options I choose without guilt.
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Post by caressa on Feb 8, 2013 3:16:59 GMT -5
Friday, February 8, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Go of Guilt
Feeling good about ourselves is a choice. So is feeling guilty. When guilt is legitimate, it acts as a warning light, signaling that we're off course. Then its purpose is finished.
Wallowing in guilt allows others to control us. It makes us feel not good enough. It prevents us from setting boundaries and taking other healthy action to care for ourselves.
We may have learned to habitually feel guilty as an instinctive reaction to life. Now we know that we don't have to feel guilty. Even if we've done something that violates a value, extended guilt does not solve the problem; it prolongs the problem. So make an amend. Change a behavior. Then let guilt go.
Today, God, help me to become entirely ready to let go of guilt. Please take it from me, and replace it with self-love.
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Post by caressa on Feb 9, 2013 3:55:00 GMT -5
Saturday, February 9, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Go in Love
When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love you - they are saying they don't love themselves.
—Codependent No More
Gentle people, gentle souls, go in love.
Yes, at times we need to be firm, assertive: those times when we change, when we acquire a new behavior, when we need to convince others and ourselves we have rights.
Those times are not permanent. We may need to get angry to make a decision or set a boundary, but we can't afford to stay resentful. It is difficult to have compassion for one who is victimizing us, but once we've removed ourselves as victims, we can find compassion.
Our path, our way, is a gentle one, walked in love - love for self, love for others. Set boundaries. Detach. Take care of ourselves. And as quickly as possible, do those things in love.
Today, and whenever possible. God let me be gentle with others and myself. Help me find the balance between assertive action taken in my own best interests, and love for others. Help me understand that at times those two ideas are one. Help me find the right path for me.
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Post by caressa on Feb 11, 2013 3:30:32 GMT -5
Sunday, February 10, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Go of Sadness
A block to joy and love can be unresolved sadness from the past.
In the past, we told ourselves many things to deny the pain: It doesn't hurt that much.... Maybe if I just wait, things will change.... It's no big deal. I can get through this.... Maybe if I try to change the other person, I won't have to change myself.
We denied that it hurt because we didn't want to feel the pain.
Unfinished business doesn't go away. It keeps repeating itself, until it gets our attention, until we feel it, deal with it, and heal. That's one lesson we are learning in recovery from codependency and adult children issues.
Many of us didn't have the tools, support, or safety we needed to acknowledge and accept pain in our past. It's okay. We're safe now. Slowly, carefully, we can begin to open ourselves up to our feelings. We can begin the process of feeling what we have denied so long - not to blame, not to shame, but to heal ourselves in preparation for a better life.
It's okay to cry when we need to cry and feel the sadness many of us have stored within for so long. We can feel and release these feelings.
Grief is a cleansing process. It's an acceptance process. It moves us from our past, into today, and into a better future - a future free of sabotaging behaviors, a future that holds more options than our past.
God, as I move through this day, let me be open to my feelings Today, help me know that I don't have to either force or repress the healing available to me in recovery. Help me trust that if I am open and available, the healing will happen naturally, in a manageable way.
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Post by caressa on Feb 11, 2013 3:31:13 GMT -5
Monday, February 11, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Divinely Led
Send me the right thought, word, or action. Show me what my next step should be. In times of doubt and indecision please send your inspiration and guidance.
—Alcoholics Anonymous
The good news of surrendering ourselves and our life to a Power greater than ourselves is that we come into harmony with a Grand Plan, one greater than we can imagine.
We are promised Divine Guidance if we ask for it if we work the Twelve Steps. What greater gift could we receive than knowing our thoughts, words, and actions are being directed?
We aren't a mistake. And we don't have to control or repress others or ourselves for life to work out. Even the strange, the unplanned, the painful, and those things we call errors can evolve into harmony.
We will be guided into understanding what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We will begin to trust our instincts, our feelings, and our thoughts. We will know when to go, to stop, and to wait. We will learn a great truth: the plan will happen in spite of us not because of us.
I pray today and each day that my thoughts, words, and actions may be Divinely led. I pray that I can move forward in confidence, knowing my steps are guided.
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Post by caressa on Feb 12, 2013 1:27:21 GMT -5
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Go of Those Not in Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between those on the other side and us. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty. I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I'm meant to be.
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Post by caressa on Feb 13, 2013 6:04:02 GMT -5
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Trusting Ourselves
What a great gift we've been given - ourselves. To listen to ourselves, to trust instinct and intuition, is to pay tribute to that gift.
What a disservice not to heed the leadings and leanings that so naturally arise from within. When will we learn that these leadings and leanings draw us into God's rich plan for us?
We will learn. We will learn by listening, trusting, and following through. What is it time to do?... What do I need to do to take care of myself?... What am I being led to do?... What do I know?
Listen, and we will know. Listen to the voice within.
Today, I will listen and trust. I will be helped to take action when that is needed. I can trust God and myself.
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Post by caressa on Feb 14, 2013 2:00:29 GMT -5
Thursday, February 14, 2013 You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go Valentine's Day For children, Valentine's Day means candy hearts, silly cards, and excitement in the air. How different Valentine's Day can be for us as adults. The Love Day can be a symbol that we have not yet gotten love to work for us as we would like. Or it can be a symbol of something different, something better. We are in recovery now. We have begun the healing process. Our most painful relationships, we have learned, have assisted us on the journey to healing, even if they did little more than point out our own issues or show us what we don't want in our life. We have started the journey of learning to love ourselves. We have started the process of opening our heart to love, real love that flows from us, to others, and back again. Do something loving for yourself. Do something loving and fun for your friends, for your children, or for anyone you choose. It is the Love Day. Wherever we are in our healing process, we can have as much fun with it as we choose. Whatever our circumstances, we can be grateful that our heart is opening to love. I will open myself to the love available to me from people, the Universe, and my Higher Power today. I will allow myself to give and receive the love I want today. I am grateful that my heart is healing, that I am learning to love.  |
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Post by caressa on Feb 15, 2013 1:38:20 GMT -5
Friday, February 15, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Control
Sometimes, the gray days scare us. Those are the days when the old feelings come rushing back. We may feel needy, scared, ashamed, and unable to care for ourselves.
When this happens, it's hard to trust ourselves, others, the goodness of life, and the good intentions of our Higher Power. Problems seem overwhelming. The past seems senseless; the future, bleak. We feel certain the things we want in life will never happen.
In those moments, we may become convinced that things and people outside of ourselves hold the key to our happiness. That's when we may try to control people and situations to mask our pain. When these "codependent crazies" strike, others often begin to react negatively to our controlling.
When we're in a frenzied state, searching for happiness outside ourselves and looking to others to provide our peace and stability, remember this: Even if we could control things and people, even if we got what we wanted, we would still be ourselves. Our emotional state would still be in turmoil.
People and things don't stop our pain or heal us. In recovery, we learn that this is our job, and we can do it by using our resources: our Higher Power, our support systems, our recovery program, and ourselves.
Often, after we've become peaceful, trusting, and accepting, what we want comes to us - with ease and naturalness.
The sun begins to shine again. Isn't it funny, and isn't it true, how all change really does begin with us?
I can let go of things and people and my need to control today. I can deal with my feelings. I can get peaceful. I can get calm. I can get back on track and find the true key to happiness - myself. I will remember that a gray day is just that - one gray day.
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Post by caressa on Feb 15, 2013 1:51:35 GMT -5
Like this, the one reading that stuck out for me. I can remember in early recovery that everything isn't black and white any more, thanks to recovry, I have learned that there are shades of gray.
It use to be about right or wrong, or night and day, or my attitude which said, "There it is in black and white, why can't you see."
I like the last line, because I still get gray days, when the sun doesn't shine. I am grateful for the tools of recovery, that allow me to let the Light in, release the darkness that surrounds my soul and prevents me from being motivated and willing to come out of my pity party or slump, which I have allowed myself to fall into.
As it says, "A gray day" is nothing more than "A gray day" and it is what I do with it that makes the difference. I can either accept it, or I can stay in a slump and be Ms. Doom and Gloom, or I can turn on my lights, put on some music, and come to the sites to share with others.
Today was not a gray day, the sun was shining; and yet, I felt as though there were shades of gray because of my pain. My body is shifting because of the treatment, I went to bed hoping for a big sleep and slept for less than two hours. That is when I know I need to come to the sites and share, to get me out of self, hopefully saying something that will help others. I know when I vocalize it, type it out, Good Orderly Direction stops the chaos going on in my head, and I have the clarity and knowing that I need in today.
Maybe there should be more gray days, then we would be more willing to reach out and ask for help.
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Post by caressa on Feb 16, 2013 3:11:25 GMT -5
Saturday, February 16, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Detachment
The concept of letting go can be confusing to many of us. When are we doing too much or trying too hard to control people and outcomes? When are we doing too little? When is what we're doing an appropriate part of taking care of ourselves? What is our responsibility, and what isn't?
These issues can challenge us whether we've been in recovery ten days or ten years. Sometimes, we may let go so much that we neglect responsibility to others or ourselves. Other times, we may cross the line from taking care of ourselves to controlling others and outcomes.
There is no rulebook. But we don't have to make ourselves crazy; we don't have to be so afraid. We don't have to do recovery perfectly. If it feels like we need to do a particular action, we can do it. If no action feels timely or inspired, don't act on it.
Having and setting healthy limits - healthy boundaries - isn't a tidy process. We can give ourselves permission to experiment, to make mistakes, to learn, to grow.
We can talk to people, ask questions, and question ourselves. If there's something we need to do or learn, it will become apparent. Lessons don't go away. If we're not taking care of ourselves enough, well see that. If we are being too controlling, we'll grow to understand that too.
Things will work out. The way will become clear.
Today, I will take actions that appear appropriate. I will let go of the rest. I will strive for the balance between self-responsibility, responsibility to others, and letting go.
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Post by caressa on Feb 17, 2013 3:37:30 GMT -5
Sunday, February 17, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Acceptance
Our basic recovery concept that never loses its power to work miracles is the concept called acceptance.
We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings - sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it.
What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called "us" - with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history - is worthy of acceptance and brings healing feelings.
To accept our circumstances is another miraculous cure. For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept others, the circumstance, and ourselves exactly as they are. Then, we need to take it one step further. We need to become grateful for our circumstances or ourselves. We add a touch of faith by saying, "I know this is exactly the way it's supposed to be for the moment."
No matter how complicated we get, the basics never lose their power to restore us to sanity.
Today, God, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept others, my circumstances, and myself. Take me one step further, and help me feel grateful.
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Post by caressa on Feb 18, 2013 1:39:05 GMT -5
Monday, February 18, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Being Right
Recovery is not about being right; it's about allowing ourselves to be who we are and accepting others as they are.
That concept can be difficult for many of us if we have lived in systems that functioned on the "right/wrong" justice scale. The person who was right was okay; the person who was wrong was shamed. All value and worth may have depended on being right; to be wrong meant annihilation of self and self-esteem.
In recovery, we are learning how to strive for love in our relationships, not superiority. Yes, we may need to make decisions about people's behavior from time to time. If someone is hurting us, we need to stand up for ourselves. We have a responsibility to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. But we do not need to justify taking care of ourselves by condemning someone else. We can avoid the trap of focusing on others instead of ourselves.
In recovery, we are learning that what we do needs to be right only for us. What others do is their business and needs to be right only for them. It's tempting to rest in the superiority of being right and in analyzing other people's motives and actions, but it's more rewarding to look deeper.
Today, I will remember that I don't have to hide behind being right. I don't have to justify what I want and need with saying something is "right" or "wrong." I can let myself be who I am.
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Post by caressa on Feb 19, 2013 1:46:58 GMT -5
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Our Path
I just spent several hours with someone from my group, and I feel like I'm losing my mind. This woman insisted that the only way I would make progress in my program was to go to her church and succumb to her religious rules. She pushed and insisted, and insisted and pushed. She's been in the program so much longer than I have. I kept thinking that she must know what she's talking about. But it didn't feel right. And now I feel crazy, afraid, guilty, and ashamed.
—Anonymous
The spiritual path and growth promised to us by the Twelve Steps does not depend on any religious belief. They are not contingent upon any denomination or sect. They are not, as the traditions of Twelve Step programs state, affiliated with any religious denomination or organization.
We do not have to allow anyone to badger us about religion in recovery. We do not have to allow people to make us feel ashamed, afraid, or less than because we do not subscribe to their beliefs about religion.
We do not have to let them do it to us in the name of God, love, or recovery.
The spiritual experience we will find as a result of recovery and the Twelve Steps will be our own spiritual experience. It will be a relationship with God, a Higher Power, as we understand God.
Each of us must find our own spiritual path. Each of us must build our own relationship with God, as we understand God. Each of us needs a Power greater than ourselves. These concepts are critical to recovery.
So is the freedom to choose how to do that.
Higher Power, help me know that I don't have to allow anyone to shame or badger me into religious beliefs. If they confuse that with the spirituality available in recovery, help me give their issue back to them. Help me discover and develop my own spirituality, a path that works for me. Guide me, with Divine Wisdom, as I grow spiritually.
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. I will be back looking for Lin and others.