Ways we as ACOA Avoid our Feelings

[Lin]

There are many defenses used by Adult children to avoid our feelings.I've made a list. I'm sure there are many more.

agreeing
analyzing
attacking, aggression
being smug, arrogant or superior
become overly outgoing
becoming overly shy
believe we deserve what we get
blame or accuse
comply or give in
debate and argue
defiance
evading and dodging issues
explaining
frowning
glaring
get loud
hide
intellectualizing
joking
jsutifyling, moralizing
laughing off feelings
minimizing
preaching, lecturiong
questioning or interrogating
quibbling
rationalizing
sarcasm
shouting, intimidating
silence
sparring
staring
stuffing the feelings
threatening
verbalizing, talking
withdrawing


This is a list of ways I've avoided my feelings in my life or ways I've seen it done by my siblings, acoa relatives, or students.

Do you relate to any of these ways? Did you do something different?

LIN

[Lin]

I've been working on this list for a while. SO many are defenses I used growing up.

I think becoming overly outgoing was the one I did as a teen. I wanted to be popular since I did not feel popular at home. I became almost aggressive and forward...such as inviting myself to go along when freinds mentioned plans . MAY I COME TOO?

I joked alot too. I tried to appear that i was happy and having a wonderful life. it made the images of what was happening at home, fade temporarily.

And i also used the one about believeing I deserved what I got. If I was told I was stupid and could not do anything right, I believed it. I thought i was not owrthy of praise since i got very little. And i thought I deserved to be treated with little respect. I think this was the defense I used the most.

I tried to get attention and somethings it ws the negative kind. If I got even negative attention it was better than no attention at all.

I remember when I was in first grade I stole $5 from my older brother's room. We had a little store at school that sold school supplies. I bought supplies for everybody in my class. (dating myself on the price of supplies..LOL)...but a pkg of 8 crayons was a dime)
I wanted to be liked. I wantd to be popular. I loved the attendtion it got me. My teacher called my parents. I had to pay back the money to my brother and i got a bare bottom spanking from my dad. It was many hard whacks. I remember it made it hard to sit down for the bruises. They were in the shape of a large hand. The red hand and bruises stayed almsot 2 weeks. When i showed my mom a week later I remember she told my dad he had hit me too hard. he said he wanted me never to forget it. It worked. I never forgot.

LIN

[~graced~]

Interesting read...

You can add drinking, drugging and sex for this ACOA. If you wanted to know how I 'felt', all you had to do was ask--heck, you didn't even have to ask....LOL...I KNEW you wanted to know and I had a responsibility to tell you.

Of course, I confused you wanting my 'feelings' to mean you wanted my 'thinking'.

I was pretty well versed at doling out my thinking--but honest 'feelings' that weren't distorted and thwarted by that itty bitty sh***y committee in my head? Heck, I didn't have a clue...

I can still confuse it! The proof is when someone asks how I feel and discover I've spent 10 minutes not using one darn feeling word!

[Lin]

Thanks for adding to the list ~graced~. You reminded me tht I also used drinking to avoid my feelings. it only lasted a few years and luckily I did not become addicted.

And WELCOME to EOR~ I notice you are new. I hope you will properly introduce yourself to us all very soon.

LIN

[caressa]

I was very grateful that I went to AA before I went to ACoA. I might have remained in my denial and died.

My drug of choice was more! More of anything that would take me out of self, stuff my feelings, and would prevent me from looking at me.

When I quit smoking, my anger surfaced and under the anger were rejection and abandonment feelings I had never dealt with. Being here at EoR has helped me to work through a lot of them and allowed me to let them go. As they say, if you don't feel them you can't let them go. If you don't allow yourself to feel them, then you are still using a substance. Doesn't have to be drugs and alcohol, it can be food, gambling, relationships, religion, even service in recovery because it is so much easier to look at someone else instead of ourselves. That is why I like the slogan, "Let it Begin with Me!" In any part of my recovery today, it is about me and my role, my actions and my thoughts which lead up to the situation. I am so grateful for two sponsors who always said, "What is your inventory in all this, never mind what the other person did!" One of them said, "You have the answers within you!" My response was, "Yes, but I don't know what the questions are!"

I didn't know, because I had no conscious contact within, that has been something that has grown and been developed over the years. Today I don't ask what the question is, I ask for the knowingness.

[SaraLee]

Hiding was my way of dealing with feelings I couldn't express. Heck I didn't know what I was feeling so I clumped all of them into one word. Pain. If I was mad, sad, frustrated, angry, didn't matter, it was labeled with the same word and I'd crawl into a hole and stay there, really isolated myself from the world.

Oh that reminds me, another way to avoid feelings is physical illness.
SaraLee

[caressa]

Dear Sara Lee,

That is so true. Emotional and mental pain will manifest itself physically. Since coming to EoR, I have had a lot of ACoA issues surface which I have had to look at and deal with.

I went to see a Canadian Show called "The Dini Petti show" about three years ago and it was on intuitive healing and how parts of the body show the type of pain. Example: Eyes, ears and throat are perception. Chest is communication. Back in anger, resentments, stubbornness and contraryness. Feet are insecurity and no direction or too many directions, and the big one fear. I have been fighting and not accepting of a lot of things in my life. I was aware of it, and have admitted to it, but acceptance was another thing.

[Lin]

more great replies!

Physical illness..i can relate. thanks saralee! And caressa...the body parts to show what emotion is bothing us..i neer heard of such a thing. I HAVE heard of chiropractice and reflexology and how certain places on our body can influence certain others parts of it.

THANKS for the replies! Lots to think about!
LIN

[adagio]

Great topic, Lin!

I know that I withdrew, was overly shy, agreed with everything, believed that I deserved it, laughing off my feelings...just about everything and more on your list is how I coped.
One more that I really don't like...I smiled at my abusers, and later developed bad habits.

Caressa, love your bug at the bottom of your posts.. ;D

[~graced~]

*sigh* Let's not forget shoving things into our mouths like chocolate or cheesecake......mm....cheesecake! LOL

Or am I the only one who 'fed my feelings'?

Yep....my drug of choice was 'more and preferably YOURS'....
Anyone got any chocolate? LOL

[caressa]

Did you have to mention cheese cake? That isn't fair! Have you ever had it with pineapple sauce? Next to strawberries and chocolate, pineapple rules!

I have ate and drank to many a person's health and it never aided mine one bit. I'll fix... watch me!!! Guzzle, guzzle, guzzle, chomp, chomp, chomp!

[Lin]

This was the topic for last night's ACOA meeting. With 7 of us there it was awesome to see that we each added another way to the list. I hope some of those who attended will share here. I wont tell who said it, so it's not telling tales from a meeting, but Graced hit one that was mentioned several times...using FOOD to avoid our feelings. Looking back I did that too...jsut had not thought of it when I compiled the list.

The UP side of this topic is...by working on my recovery, using the tools, using the steps and slogans, I no longer have to use the defenses. Today i can feel my feelings and deal with them in healthier ways.

LIN

[lildee]

Yep Food was a biggie for me. Everytime my feelings were hurt or ignored I ate. Not just a nibble like ordinary folk. I mean I ATE , I ate the whole thing. No matter what it was ice cream, cookies, cold cuts. It even got to the point where I started cooking late night "snacks". I hid food in drawers and closets so that no one would see how much I was eating. All in the name of trying to stuff my feelings. Or rather consume them. What did all this eating do for me? Aside from not being able to get decent clothes, I made me sick. Literally sick, now I am boarderline diabetic and have to watch what I eat. So for me food is just as toxic as drugs. It can have the same effect. Too much food or too much carbs and I fall asleep, tuning out the world and my problems. Going through all this with my "A" and working my own program helped me realize why I was eating the way I was. It was a cover up, an escape, my way of dealing with problems. But working the program has helped. Now I know all of this and have curbed my eating. Not because I don't like eating. LOL Because now I can deal with my problems in a more constuctive way. So far I have dropped about 60 lbs. My hubby even asked if I was dieting or what I was doing? I told him I was 12 Stepping my belly. Just as we admit that we are powerless over alcohol/drugs , it is the same with food. Before I sit down for those "late night snacks" I ask myself "am I hungry or am I eating this for another reason?" If I answer another reason I will put the food down and try to deal with that reason. I will look for the answer, meditate or pray for a solution. God has gotten me through a lot of things and this is just one more that I constantly use His help for.

[Lin]

12 stepping your belly...well put. I think that is also called OA.

Congrats on getting off the 60 lbs. WAY TO GO!

LIN

[andrew]

Hi everyone: The program helps us with feelings certainly.

When I go to face to face meetings, which I do a few times a week, I hear a great deal about feelings from the many shares I listen to....

Once we start to become expressive about our feelings, we can go overboard and start expressing our feelings all over the place.

One thing I am learning is that in most cases, it does not matter how I feel about something because the more important task for me is to discern whether or not I am in agreement with HP about the thing or things I am having emotions about.

In other words, for example,If HP wants me to do something and I am truly surrendered to my HP, how I feel about what HP has guided me to do is truly a moot issue.

I believe we need to avoid being obsessed or overly concerned with feelings.

AJ

[Lin]

Good food for thought AJ!

I posted this as a way for me to look inside and see how I avoided my feellings for so long. Today I expres them in much healthier ways. But I am usually thinking of the feelings of OTHERS instead of my own.

thanks!
LIN

[caressa]

Great point AJ. When I came into recovery I didn't know what they were. Then I didn't know what to do with them. Then I didn't know how to expres them.
Then I didn't know how to let them go and just be and go with the flow.

I had a good friend who said he always liked to go to hear a woman speaker, because women were more able to get in touch with them and express them. By doing that, he could identify andget in touch with his own.

I know today, I don't have the anxiety and worry like I use to. My anger is better than it was a few weeks ago. It is no longer a bomb read to explode, it has a much longer fuse now.

[caressa]

Ouch! The spelling and typing errors! I can't modify them. I don't remember the password for Caressa2. Don't know if she still exists in the membership.

It is nice to see all these people sharing on a post and giving their input.

I can add to the list today:

- reading (have 10 books from the library waiting to be read)
- computer (playing catch up after being off line for 5 months)
- running away from home (any excuse to go off anywhere as long as it means not staying at home)
- relationships (looking at partner/friend helps me not look at myself forgetting that this is a program of reflection)

Hind sight is a great teacher. Been there, done it, wore the T-Shirt.

[Lin]

WOW... I don't even rememebr creating this list, but I can certainly remember when I used thos things.

I can look back and see my growth. I still do the explaining, rationalizying and justifying. They are similar and sort of overlap.

Perhaps I needed to read this list again and work on those three things!

LIN

[caressa]

A great list which gives me pause for thought. Will have to look at it more myself. Thanks for bringing the list forward.