perfectionism

[Lin]

The topic I picked for the meeting in a couple of hours is PERFECTIONISM.

Growing up in a home where I was not encouraged for my accomplishments and was in fact put down as a failure if I did not meet their standards...led me to the habit of perfectionism. When I made all A's and one B on my reportcard I was ask WHY THE B? So I had to try harder to make better grades to please parents who could not be pleased.

My best was never enough. Not for my parents or for myself. IT made me feel less than. And it has taken me many years to overcome that mindset.

Over the years i learned I had been trying to please people who could not be pleased. I always thought if I jsut were the perfect daughter, perfect wife, perfect cook, perfect lover, they'd stop putting me down and stop drinking. But that never helped. It only made me more frustrated.

Another example...I learned to sew very young. I was about 6 when my grandmother taught me how to use her sewing machine to make doll clothes. By the time I was 12 I was sewing my own school clothes and they were made very well! They often had inset pockets, collars, zippers, buttonholes, pleats, tucks, etc. But you can't imagine how many garments I threw away or ripped out and started over because a seam was not straight or was just not perfect enough for ME. This perfectionism really made my school clothes look nice, but it caused me hours of anguish. Threw recovery I have learned it is OK to make a mistake. And SO WHAT if a seam is not the straightest? It might be how I want to make it. It might be the best I can do right now.

I have learned it is OK to make a mistake. I jsut try to keep cmoving forward. Progress not perfection is a good slogan for this.

Thanks to all who were able to come to the meeting! I appreciated your shares!

I encourage others to share their thoughts on this topic.

LIN

[SunnyGirl]

Perfectionism has never been my goal.....

I was born into the slot of the "middle child" and have
always felt comfortable with the middle of the road. When
I am crocheting an afgan and find a mistake, I would never
bother with ripping it apart to make it perfect. I think I
can honestly say, I am happy with just being capable of
completing a job or meeting an obligation. I don't think
I can ever remember my parents pushing me for more
or better. They never mentioned college and were very
happy if I brought home C's. Adequate was good enough!
I have to admit, there were times when I felt "less than".

As a Mother and a wife, I didn't feel presure to be the
"best", I just wanted a happy home, free from stress and
chaos. I didn't push my children to be perfect, I just wanted
them to be healthy and happy in what ever path they chose
to take in life. Trust me, drugs and alcohol, were not the
paths I had in mind. I don't consider myself a failure as
a Mother, but I always wonder if there was more I could
have done.

My home is comfortable, but not spotless, it's a place
where you can kick off you shoes and relax. That is what
I strive for, a relaxed, laid back life, simple and uncomplicated.
Seeking pefection for my life, would be like trying to to
move a mountain with a tiny little thimble, by the time I
got it done, I would be dead.

I accept the fact I am not perfect and not apt to be in this
lifetime. I have expectations for myself, but as with others,
I try to keep them to a minimum.

Great topic Lin.....

[SaraLee]

My childhood family also strived for perfection in our home when it came to keeping the house clean and keeping the kids quiet and unintrusive to the adults in the house. The house seemed to dictate to us what was proper or not, and while inside the house, we had to be neat and be very good children, or we were shunned or scolded for being bad. Outside the house, we were not under pressure to do exceptionally well in school or to be sociable. Those things just were not as important as how one acted when home. It seemed like the hub of the world was inside the house not outside. Life outside became hard for me because I never got it right inside and I carried the fear of failure through my adult years, into my marriages and probably gave some of the same fears to my own kids. At least years ago I did....

Today I know there is no such animal as perfectionism and gladly accept my mistakes or shortcomings as they are my tools to growth and learning.

As I look at my own home today, it is a mix of clean and messy, a place where I can find solitude and also where my children and I can make lovely noise!, sing and play music and have fun, unlike the house and management from which I came. Thanks for this thread Lin.
SaraLee

[majestyjo]

As my mother use to say, "If you can't do it right, don't do it at all." That lead to a lot of heartache and tears, especially trying to live up to her standards.

I was a proof reader for many year which fed my belief that everything had to be perfect and right. A couple of my co-workers were not happy when I returned work to be corrected or done over. I even had to check the supervisor of the department. It really fed the ego, and led to thinking I was Ms. Perfect. Yet as my addict grew, I found myself not being able to do my own job correctly, making mistakes and not noticing. I felt so less than, shame and guilt.

So glad my God loves me as I am.