family buttons

[Lin]

There is a great reading in the readings section today from language of Letting go on FAMILY BUTTONS. It inspired me to come here and post.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. (both parents are long dead) Both parents were alkies and I had to grow up and take responsibilities at a very young age. Because of this, i know I am stronger today.

But there are times...when I allow family members to push my buttons. I allow it. Thats the key to changing it.

The culprit is my older brother. he was always my mom's favorite. he could do no wrong in her eyes. And he is a very thingyy and selfish person. He thinks he is better than those around him. He can make me feel lower than whale doo-doo if I am not careful. The fact he was always the favorite was something I resented. The lingering glimpses of these feelings rear their ugly head when my sister goes to him for advice insted of asking me. I try very hard to change the subject, play with kids, walk away, etc. Jsut to tolerate being aroudn him.

the most recent one was when my neice got married last month. I suggested to my sis that she color her hair. (first time ever) I offered to do it for her and bought the color. She went somewhere with my brother and his wife and told them I was gonna color her hair. My Sil suggested a different brand. They went out and bought that brand instead of the one I had picked out. I used it and took mine back. At the wedding he seemed to be so proud that he had driven her to the store to buy that color and his wife had suggested it. He seemed to take the credit that my sis looke d great that day. It had nothing to do with her losing over 50 lbs. It had nothign to do with a beautiful beauty shop hairdo. it had nothing to do with seeing her in a dress for the first time in over 30 years. it was the hair color he had a part in picking out. GRRR> I was not wanting credit for suggesting it or for putting it on for her. I was jsut proud that she was enjoying a wonderful day. But his coments seemed to cut into me like a knife. I am sure it was family buttons...that old thing that he is top dog sand his 2 sisters are something you might scrape off the bottom of your shoe.

I got up and walked aroudn to keep from fuming. i went and gave my neice a hug and took some more pictures. Changing the subject like that...getting out of his sight...helped me.

How do you react to family buttons>?

LIN

[majestyjo]

Can identify with a lot of your story Lin, thanks for sharing it. My father was an alcoholic and my mother used food to deal with her feelings as a result of his actions. Many times, she was left alone to raise 3 girls, on a farm with no transportation. She died of her eating disorder, which caused a heart attack, 28 days before her 41st birthday. My father died as a result of his alcoholism and had a heart attack too at the age of 66.

I had a dream when I first got sober, and I saw my father in a new light. In my dream he was very violent, and I had always seen him as a quiet man, who seldom said anything. I now think it was because he was detached and not too involved in our upbringing. We always had to be quiet when dad was home, we were not to rock the boat. What I took as quiet, was in truth control.

I found in my past several boyfriends who fit your brother's actions. For the most part was ego and self-centeredness. It was also insecurities, so they felt they had to control the people and things around them.

I get condescension from my sister and her husband is another thing all together. His mother told him my sister wasn't good enough for him, so that set up my hackles to begin with. When my sister is with her in-laws, she is a different person than the one I grew up with.

For the most part, I just have to consider where they come from and be grateful that I don't have to act that way. Sometimes I have to detach, that means separating myself from them or just accepting them for who they are and not put any expectations on them or myself. As you say, take my Q-Tip with me when I am around them. It is there stuff and I don't have to take it on.

I just have to look at myself, clean my side of the street, and make things right with my God.