Prayers for my honey

[gerrc21]

I am brand new to this board...but I so need prayers for my husband. He is struggling with depression and has told me he is divorcing me. I didn't see this coming so am confused, etc. Please pray for our marriage and my strength as well as him to find his way. Thanks so very much.

Ger!!

[lildee]

Dear gerrc21,

I am glad you found EOR and welcome. You will find many good caring people here, with lots to read and comfort yourself. There are meetings on line in our chat room Thursday, Friday and Sunday. I hope you will make it. Please try to find some local meetings near you. This is the offical link to Alanon where you can check for meetings in your area.
www.al-anon-alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

My prayers are with you and yours.

Love & God Bless
Arlene (lildee)

[Lin]

I can really relate to loving a person with depression. Mine wa so depressed a few months ago he was suicidal. He kept calling 911 and asking to be taken to the hospital. he finally had to spend 3 weeks in a VA hospital to get better.

I'm sorry he has told you that he wants a divorce. it's a shame when that kind of news takes us by surprise. My guess is, he is depressed and does not really know what he wants. Perhaps he jsut does not want to drag you down with him as he sinks lower into depression.

I do hope you'll follow the link Lildee gave you and find some AlAnon meeting s in your area. You can also come to meetings online. The ones i chair here are friday and Sunday nigths at 8 eastern. They are in the new sigma chat room.

Hang in there!
LIN

[gerrc21]

Thank you all for your replies. It helps a lot. I did go to a meeting Monday..but they are only once a week, so that's the reason I started looking online. I really didn't participate much..mostly cried..but they asked me to come back again next week and I will. Thank you so much for caring. Ger!!

[caressa]

Thank you for sharing and please do keep coming. Feel free to ask any questions and know that we have all been there, you are not alone.

[gerrc21]

I'm here again. When I'm not at work, I don't have much time to spend in front of the computer....so that is why it's awhile between hearing from me.

I went to another meeting today and I think I'm beginning to understand. My husband and I had a fairly decent talk and while he wasn't willing to say he wanted to stay together, he wasn't quite so adament about making it legal either.

I do have a question. Tonite, he tells me that he feels like a bird whose wings have been fixed and now he feels like he needs to be able to fly, that he has been in a cage and needs to be free. I asked him "free from the drugs or free from the marriage". He thought for a long time and said he thought both. I would love some help understanding that.

I also asked him if he rememebered when he did this "I'm leaving you" about 10 years ago, and he said yes. I said, "Is this how you felt then?" and he said, "no, I was doing drugs then." It's like he thinks because he isn't doing drugs, he is not the same man. And I know that a part of him isn't, but the basic loving person that I married was still there until 2 weeks ago. What happened to him?

Anyway, thanks for listening. I would love any insights or thoughts and prayers are always welcome. I am asking God to touch his heart and bring him back to me. Thanks again. Ger!!

[lildee]

Hi Ger,

Just taking a guess but the drug fog that he has been in for so long may be starting to lift. Even though the addict has been clean for awhile the fog and the uncertainty remain. It took my hubby nearly 8 months before the fog lifted.

If he is starting to have an awkening lots of thoughts will flood his mind. The good , bad and the ugly.

Through the whole time the one thing that I learned is to stand on my own two feet. Take care of myself and my needs.

My hubby came back to reality but he is certainly not the same man I married. He is better in some aspects.

Love & God bless
Arlene

[caressa]

My prayers go out to you both. Recovery is a growth process, which often results in pain for everyone. This is a family disease and often we don't know to what extent we have harmed ourselves and others.

When I came into recovery, my son was glad and he didn't want me to go back to where I came from. Yet he didn't know this 'mother' and he had to get to know me, just as much as I needed to get to know myself.

My son said he never saw me drunk, which means he never saw me sober.

[gerrc21]

Thank you so much for your insights. I have not, until now thought that I didn't know who he was. Tonight I truely believe that he is in a lot of pain. I have not told him that I am concerned that he is headed towards a relapse, because I know there isn't anything I can do about it...but I sure feel that's where he's headed. I'm just praying and letting God handle things. Thanks again for your insights. Ger!!

[dg]

Hi Ger,
I am DG, and welcome to EOR. I want to share something with you.
14 months ago my husband relasped to Meth, and he left me too, he also told me he wanted to be FREE and wanted a divorce, I knew it was the drugs talking cuz that was his pattern over the time of his drug use. Just before he got busted, he came home to tell me that he needed help and didn't mean to hurt me and that he wanted to come home, unfortually with the overwelming effects of meth, and his heavy use at the time got him in trouble and he had to do some time, with that time under his belt he put his whole heart and soul into recovery and today we are back together, and so far things seem so promising but I really feel that with me learning steps and him staying within his program really made a difference in the outlook of life in general.
What I am saying is he may just feel that way because he is on drugs already and that does tend to cloud ones judgement on relationships, ect.
Just need to focus on you and keep coming back and learning the steps is a good way to start out.
Hang in there Ger. HP is with you.

[gerrc21]

Thank you so much for that dg. I am trying not to worry about the fact that I think he's had a relapse, but it is right there in the front of my mind. I truely don't know anything I can do about it...so I just keep praying and know that God has a way of making things turn out for the best. Ger!!

[Lin]

Good to keep hearing from you gerr.

Lots of good shares above me. Not much I can add. Yuo can't stop a relapse. You can only make yoruself better to deal with it all. You cant stop a person from leaving if they ahve made their mind up.

One thing I learned the hard way. When I prayed for something specific and it did not happen, i blamed God. I pushed him out of my life for many, many years. Once i changed the wording of my prayers, I started to have more confidence in GOD. I had to learn that MY WILL and GOD'S Will about my life were not always on the same page.

Example. Praying for God to whishper in his ear and tell him what he needs to hear, instead of asking God to help him see he needs to come back to you. Are you setting yourself up for a letdown if The ourcome does nto match the request?

I ask God to keep my loved ones safe. To watch over them. No longer do i ask him to make them come home sober today.

Getting to meetings and learning how to change YOU and YOUR attitudes is the best thing you can do.

I am not sure about why it happens, but often when a person gets in recovery and the cloud of the addiction is not looming over them, they want to be more independent. they find they dont NEED that person who has been cleaning up their messes and loving them thru the worst parts. it happens alot. You are not alone in this. Perhaps somebody from the other side of the hallway can explain why. Is it because they need time to work on themselves? Want to spend ltos of time at meetings and dont want to answer to a spouse for neglecting them? Is it that they dont NEEd us any more now that they are a little clearer headed?

I do hope you keep coming back. Can you come to the online meetings? 8 PM ewastern fri and Sunday are the 2 I do. Caressa started a 9 PM eastern step meeting on Thursdays. I hope it gets support and we can make a big meeting of that one too.

Hang in there. Pray for your own understanding and acceptance or whateverGod has planned for you.

Time makes thing seem clearer. Hang inthere. You are not alone.
\
LIN