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Post by caressa on Oct 31, 2010 14:39:04 GMT -5
Didn't think I hated anyone. Then I came to realize that hate is such a strong emotion, and strong emotions were never anything that I allowed myself to feel. The same with feelings like rage, they were never felt and it took a while to identify them for what they truly were.
I was raised that you had to love everyone. So if I didn't acknowldge the feeling, it wasn't there, so therefore, I didn't 'sin' and I was still a good girl. I can remember my mother saying, "You can't hate anyone." So if I called it by another name, then I wasn't 'sinning' and I was still a good girl.
Back then, I didn't know I was a Soul In Need, and that I was looking for something outside of myself because I did not feel the love inside and hated myself. Again, the Golden Rule, do onto others as you would have them do onto you. That hadn't worked very well in my life. I didn't realize that all people did not practice this spiritual principle. It took a while to find some trust and faith in the program to change my thinking into a new way of living.
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Post by caressa on Nov 21, 2010 22:16:24 GMT -5
First off, I owe everyone an amend for not having posted here. I have just not felt well the last few weeks, and to do so, on something so important as working a Step, I didn't feel qualified and able to share. When you look at something, and words don't come, then it is best not to make them up and say them, even though you think you should. They are better left unsaid to my way of thinking.
Part of this was my own issues, because I was in worry about my own issues and that of my sons, resentment and anger, which didn't make for a good place to be. It took a lot of prayer and asking for help. I also found myself projecting into the future and thinking of Christmas without my son and it is five weeks away.
God has been busy in my house, He had lots of work to do. Glad He had enough left over to help all of you.
Someone who knew what he was talking about once remarked that pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress.
Love this line. It is so true. When I am hurting enough, I know I have to do something. It generally means extra meditation and prayer. An inventory of what what is going on in my life. What am I not doing? What do I need to do? Most times it is get back to basics. Make healthy choices remembering that my disease is mental, emotional, physical and spiritual.
To be continued...
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Post by caressa on Nov 27, 2010 18:01:02 GMT -5
My sponsor repeated said to me, "What was your motive and intent?" Was it for the good of the whole? Was it done with love and compassion? Was it done from the heart? Did you think before you acted?
One of my biggest defects was rationalization and justification. I felt like I had to explain and rationalize my reason for being. I had to justify my actions because all my life they had been questioned. Why did you do that? Why would you think something like that? What made you think your opinion mattered? Who are you to say that? All the self-doubt and poor self-esteem, made me think I was less than and I had to explain my thinking because I was told it was less than too.
This is where Step Ten came into play for me. It took a long time to break the habit and was something that I had to turn over to my Higher Power.
Thinking I had good motives, when in fact, it was often a reaction to an old tape or an old pattern that no longer served me in recovery. Just because I had done something for 20+ years didn't mean it was right. It was time for change.
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Post by caressa on Dec 2, 2010 19:43:54 GMT -5
The first time I read this my reaction was, "Ouch, ouch, ouch!" Being the good Christian girl that I never tried to live up to in any other way, thought I should be the bleeding Deacon and show people the error of their ways.
Old tapes mixed with the sounds from the recovery rooms, got all muxed ip and my aunt use to say, and I didn't really know truth from fiction.
Just because someone in the rooms shared something, didn't mean it was meant for me and was what I needed. I had to find out what was good for me. Each person can only share their own experience, strength and hope with the hope that it will help someone else. We are not saints. We will never be saints, and from what I have learned, the people in the rooms are a reflection from within me. It takes one to know one. The very thing I didn't want to look at was the very thing that I needed to take a magnifying glass to and examine carefully.
That old adage, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger was true. For every finger I pointed, I had three coming back at me. Denial kept me sick. Comparing instead of identifying, kept me sick. Thinking I wasn't as bad as others kept me sick. No matter what the substance is, it all leads to the same soul sickness. I used period! I used people, places and things, not just my drug of choice.
There was a better way to live. It was up to me to find it. People couldn't do it for me. They could guide me, support me and comfort me through what I had to go through, but they couldn't do it for me.
Again, it is about me getting honest, self-honesty, an open mind, and willingness to go to any length to stay sober and to change. What brought me to the doors of recovery will take me back out if I don't deal with it. Maybe not right away, but as long as I allow it to fester, I set myself up for relapse.
As it says in Al-Anon's 12 & 12, would I love myself better if I learn to live and let live I need to learn to know myself and learn to live this new way of life, and allow others to live theirs.
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Post by majestyjo on Sept 5, 2017 20:42:35 GMT -5
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Post by majestyjo on Sept 6, 2017 23:36:12 GMT -5
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