TRUST/SUSPICION

[caressa]

Trust is a big thing in early recovery. It is generally none existant, at least it was for me. I did put my believe in God, but didn't belive God believed in me, so I had to learn to trust that he had my 'highest good' in mind.

Learning to trust the process was another matter, I was suspicious of delays and no quick fixes, and if I am a miracle, how come I am not fixed now I am not using.

It wasn't until I lived this program a day at a time and realized that my thinking could take me back into active addiction before I physically picked up a drug. My thinking was highly suspect.

I don't feel good, give me a hug and make me feel better. I don't feel good, I'm not hungry, but maybe if I ate, I would feel better. If I turn on the computer, turn on the TV, or pick up a book, it will take me away from having to deal with this in the moment.

Some times these seem like healthy alternatives, yet when they become obsessive, compulsive, it all leads to the same soul sickness and I am back being a "soul in need" looking for something outside of myself to fill the void, to take away the feelings, instead of working through things and facing them in the moment.

Often I am the suspect, who makes others suspicious of me. I don't always mix socially with the people in the rooms. Hanging out in coffee shops and chat rooms have never been my thing, even in early recovery.

Life is for living today, and I trust my Higher Power to lead and direct my life.

[dg]

The word Trust does play a huge roll for me in regards with my living with my husband today.
With all I have been thru with his addiction and the chaos it comes along with it, only makes me want to be stronger at my own recovery so I can be able to learn to put things behind me and learn to take it as it comes in our lives today.
Funny that the suspisions of it all never really goes away no matter how clean they become today.

[~graced~]

Good chip for me!

Because G-d has seen fit to help me with my thinking problem along with the drinking problem, trust has developed. That's both incoming and outgoing. Was a time you couldn't trust sick'em from me and I had no integrity. And frankly, no one had integrity with me. There wasn't anything I wasn't suspect of, and darn few that didn't hold me in suspect as well.

Even in recovery I was the good little actress. I said "yes" a whole lot purely out of a need to look good to the world around me. I could be trusted for somethings--but because I wasn't willing to be honest with you (cuz if you really knew me you wouldn't care about me) there was always that suspicion about my motives. Rightfully so. My relationship with G-d was generally based on providing lip service--cuz the bottom line was I didn't trust HIM either. Better I should trust me to get what I needed, at least that way I'd know the results were of my own making, not because I was undeserving in G-d's eyes. But I did great P.R. for G-d!

My journey in the 'trust' department came when wiseperson in my life informed me that trust was a CHOICE, not a feeling. And I didn't have to feel like trusting him TO trust him.

Today I know that's true in my relationship with G-d and with other human beings. Trust is a choice. Suspicion is a choice. I can choose the attitude that I'm going to operate under and my actions. Don't get me wrong, I'm no dumbie--I can choose to trust the active alcoholics around me and not get resentful when they don't deliver. They are where they are. It's no longer an indictment against me as a mom or a human being. My worth and my value just ARE. I don't have to choose the attitude of suspicion. And suspicion isn't my first thought today. Today I believe folks are dancing as fast as they can, that they go through what they get to go through in order to get to where they're suppose to be. And I can have faith in the greater plan.
That's trust.
That's a choice.
That's how I live my life today.

[Lin]

awesome shares today on this chip!

I was always a very trusting person. I grew up in a medium sized town in a middle class neighborhood. we never locked out dors unless we left town. Weleft keys int he car and nobody stole it. We allowed salesmen into our home without even thinking they could be casing the joint. We even picked up hitch-hikers. TRUST. I learned when I trusted my active alkie parents that it was not such a good choice. I trusted them to keep their work...to encourage me....to support my effforts and choices. But it was like shopping for bread in a ahrdware store. They were not able to be trusted for such things.

Today I ahve learned to have caution when it comes to people who have broken my trust. it takes a while to build it back.

I am not generally suspicious by nature. For the msot part I am TRUSTing.

LIN

[caressa]

Great shares, and very enlightning for me. I never looked at the fact that I had a choice. I generally trusted until it was proven otherwise, and once the trust was broken, I had problem being open to trust the person afterward. Yet I know, unless I can find it within myself, I can not truly have it for anyone else.