Greed

[caressa]

Greedy Thinking, Greedy Eating

This is the headline from the Food for Thought reading today. I never read past the title.

It reminds me that when I get needy, I get greedy. That greed can manifest itself in many forms: work, my sites, shopping, gambling, food, anything that will allow me to stuff my feelings. I can no longer pick up prescription drugs or alcohol, other drugs are not an option or a desire, but it is easy for me to pick up other things and tell myself that they are OK. They are not my drug of choice.

I had two men tell me I was looking good tonight. Another phoned to see if we were on to play bridge tomorrow. That much attention in the past would have had me off and running! I think that one of my subconscious thoughts was that if I put on a little bit of weight and with the swelling anyway, I already feel ugly, no one will like me and I won't be tempted to let another man back into my life. Pretty sick thinking for someone who is in recovery.

I shared with a young guy who was talking about getting bitten by the gambling bug. I told him that I knew what he meant. I walked into a casino. Just stood inside the door and felt a buzz and knew instantly that it wasn't a good place for me to be. That was before I played my first slot machine and lasted until I left there six hours later.

It was when I was reaching for a third helping of stew that really tasted good that I realized that I often used food to stuff my feelings. I never eat that much as a rule. It was good, but not that good. I know that when I eat when I don't feel hungry, that it is satisfying a need, sometimes known, sometimes unknown in the moment. When I find myself doing it now, I can pray, by turning it over, and doing the asking it is gone. The nice thing is being able to recognize it sooner when it happens.

Today I was bad and bought two McDonald Apple Pies/Turnovers. They didn't have the Strawberry which I love. I grieved for a second and bought the apple. One was good and a no, no!!! I ate both. They cost $1.39 for two. I keep telling myself they are wee. Yesterday my blood sugar was 4.9. Tonight after having an orange which might have had something to do with it because it is natural sugar and my count was 5.7 and although that isn't high, it is more and more isn't always better, it always leads to even more.

The sad thing is I was going to stay on the bus and go around to that door of the mall when I first got there but decided to go in the front, go to the bank, to the library, bought a snack pack of KFC which is not good for my cholesterol, then went out toward MacDonald's. I had no reason to go that way because the market wasn't open today, but I walked that way. At first I told myself if they don't have Strawberry, I won't buy one. That didn't work!

I don't have a drinking and drug problem, I have a thinking problem. Thank goodness I have God in my life who continuously bring me back to sanity.

I had a guy tell me today that those who call it the 1, 2, 3 Waltz don't do the rest of the Steps. He came in 5 years ago, relapsed and is back in again just under 3 years. He reminds me of me at 2 years. I told him that I wouldn't still be here if I hadn't done all the Steps. You never finish the Steps, they are a work in progress. As I heal, as I grow in awareness, as I become more honest, I continue to trudge the road to recovery aiming for perfection but never reaching it! As my sponsor told me in early recovery. When you get to Step 12, you start all over again! Having done them once you may just be lucky enough to be smarter the next time around.

[majestyjo]

A good reminder that I am a work in progress. As they say, "We didn't get this way overnight, so you can't expect to recover over night, it is a process."

Haven't thought of the 1, 2, 3 Waltz for some time, I use to use it all the time. It is how the program works, "I can't, my God can, and just for today, I choose to let Him."

It is so important to build a relationship with my God, it is even more important to continue to maintain that relationship. The title still holds true in today, 24 years sober or not. When I am reaching for something outside of myself to make me happy, I am using. As I have said many times, drugs come in many forms, solid, liquid, powdered, and the flesh and blood variety.

So glad I can't wear out the Serenity Prayer, it still keeps working, one day at a time.



The Steps are a way of life. They are always handy and I have always managed to have one close and handy so I can pick it up to go. They are a way of life. They are just built into my thought process, and I learned to trust that the Steps were the solution. A guy from NA use to ask me, "What Step are you on this week Jo?" I told him, "Some days, I need all 12.

As I have said many times, "When I get needy, I get greedy." It doesn't matter what the substance is, if I pick it up to stuff a feeling, escape reality, to put on the blanket of denial, I need to take the thought to my God and run it past Him as to whether it is good for me. Just because it was good 24 years ago, 24 days ago, or 24 hours ago, it is a one day at a time program, and I have to apply the Steps to my life.