"going along, to get along"

[SunnyGirl]

When I hear someone say, "you need to accept me for who I
am", it sounds like a request to overlook and accept,
unacceptable behavior. It sounds like an attempt to justify
behaviors that are toxic and unlovable.

I know I am not perfect and if there is something in my behavior
that is annoying someone else, I would never dream of asking
them to "suck it up" and accept it. I can look at that behavior,
find it's root and try my best to find a willingness to change it,
especially if that behavior is causing them pain.

I don't think God expects me to accept unacceptable behaviors!
When someone you love tells you, "you need to accept me for
who I am", this tells me it's time we stop "going along, to get
along". It tells me I need to draw new boundaries and teach
people what behaviors I will never accept. I will not go along
with a program that is designed by someone who is looking
to make their life easier and complicate mine. I deserve more!
I would be telling myself that I don't count, that I don't need to
be treated with love and respect. It is dishonoring the most
important part of me: my needs, my wants and my serenity.
Just a thought.....

Peace on the journey, SunnyGirl

[caressa]

Accepting people for who they are isn't accepting unacceptable behavior. The same as people new to recovery, they have a lot of growing to do, yet we accept where they are at. We don't get sick in one day and we don't get better in one day. Some people do little more than put a plug in the jug and are quite happy to just not drink or drug and don't feel it is necessary to change who they are, while others work the steps and continue to make changes and grow in new awareness and allow themselves to heal.

When I see my son today, I see the disease. I only see glimpses of the child I raised. I don't love him any less, in fact, I believe I love him more. I don't like the person he has become, I don't need to in order to accept him yet I don't have to accept disruptable behavior from him and I call him on it regularly. If you are going to raise your voice and can't talk in a reasonable manner, you have to leave. It really hurts me when you say/do things like that, if you can't respect me and my space, then you need to leave. I don't care if you just came from work and had a few beers with the boys, you know you are not suppose to come here when you have been drinking. He use to come and visit. Now he comes by to see how I am and generally has a look see to see if I have anything tempting in my fridge that I am willing to part with and then he is on his way. He is seldom here more than half an hour, often not that long.

My son is an addict. I am as powerless over his disease as I am my own. Today, when I surrender and turn his disease and my disease to my Higher Power, I am empowered to do what I need to do, one day at a time.

[SunnyGirl]

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things
I cannot change. Courage to change the things
I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

When an addict tries to justify unacceptable behaviors by
stating.... "accept me as I am" it is their disease talking, but
they are attempting to excuse this behavior. Addicts do what
addicts do, but I don't need to accept this behavior. I may love
the person dearly, but their actions are unacceptable. My
personal experience tells me that agreeing to accept their
actions is toxic to my recovery. I drew my line in the sand
and said no more... I will not accept the actions of the addict!
"Going along, to get along" is not the answer....

It doesn't even have to be an addict! "accept me for who I am"
I have no power to change anyone! Why would I want to
befriend anyone with a habit of lying, cheating, stealing, beating
their children or wife? Many women go into marriages with the
thought of changing a mans behavior, the majority of the time
it just doesn't work. If "accept me as I am" is "don't try to change
me", this I understand, I am powerless to change anyone.

I have warts and my children love me despite it all..... My family
has warts and I love them regardless of their faults.... My original
thought was, that when people say "accept me as I am" it is
often their attempt to excuse their behavior. And excusing many
of those behaviors is what led me to Nar-Anon. It reminds me of
ignoring the elephant in the room.....

We all do the best we can ODAT......

Peace on the journey, SunnyGirl

[caressa]

Of course it is to excuse their behavior. What is even worse is people who are in recovery and say, "What do you expect, I am an addict you know!" There is no exucse for abuse of any kind at any time, be it physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. That is just a given.

For so many people, it is learned behavior. It is what makes me think that we are products of our environment more so than inheriting this disease.

It is my hope that people accept me for who I am in today. They don't have to like me. They don't have to agree with me. I am who I am as a result of what I have gone through in my life. I have had a lot of healing and growth from when I came into recovery. I am not fixed. I am a 'work' in progress and I hope I will continue to change and evolve. I do not like my humanness. I never have and yet I had to accept it. Some days are better than others, some days my defects of character are glaringly apparent, other days, God and I have a good relationship, and there are still days that I can forget to invite Him into my life until I get myself into a pickle.

This program isn't about my addict, it is about me and my reaction to him and the people in my life. I am no longer the great I am and the world doesn't revolve around me. The difference in today is that I have learned to take care of myself, to be responsible, loving and forgiving. People have to find their own way. It is not my job to help them on the way by telling them what to do. They need to find out for themselves. The best I can do is to walk my talk. I try not to say one thing and live another. Sometimes I can go along to get along if that is what needed although I try not to put myself in that position. Again it is do I always have to be right and how important is it?

Sometimes it is darned important and it isn't acceptable to me. Other times I can see it as their dis-ease and where they are at in the moment, and let it go. When I say disease it isn't always about alcohol and street drugs. Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and ACoA members are just as addicted as someone in AA, NA, and OA. It all leads to the same soul sickness. They just need and use people and require an outlet to look at instead of looking at themselves. It is my understanding that an addiction is anything that comes between you and who God would have you be in today.

I have used people, places and things all of my life. In recovery, I try not to do that. Substitution doesn't work. Quitting smoking and putting 30 lbs on isn't my idea of sobriety. I lost three pounds when I quit smoking. I put the 30 lbs on after I quit smoking because I no longer had that crutch to stuff my feelings so I used food. I didn't recognize it at first, but slowly I came to realize what I was doing. It wasn't just eating to stuff, it was the things I was eating. I was eating comfort food instead of going to my HP.

Progress not perfection. Thank God!

[SunnyGirl]

"you need to accept me for who I am"

Not sure I agree with this .....
It's like a warning or red flag they are throwing up,
bad behavior ahead!

"going along, to get along"
"How important is it"? There are things I can ignore
and there are some I never will.

I don't put myself on a pedestal or expect others to bow
in my presence. But when I am treated badly, I will walk
away and take myself out of the situation. I doubt that
I will ever feel I have to accept it to get along. There are
some that stay with active addicts/alcoholics and there are
many that chose to leave. Every heart knows how much it
can take... sometimes "going along, to get along" is just
not the solution! Hugs, SG

[caressa]

There is no way I would live or choose to live with a spouse who is in active addiction. It would jeoprodize my own sobriety and it is why I have to set boundaries and detach from my son. At the moment, that doesn't mean not having him in my life, although as his disease progresses, he chooses to come around less and less unless he wants something. There is general a movitive and not always a healthy one. I do have to admit to having a little private chuckle and saying "You can't con a con my son, been there done it wore the T-shirt." Not only as an active alcoholic myself, but as an Al-Anon member trying to control and get my own way.

I have to let him find his own way. I can't project my beliefs and ideals onto him. He got those teaching when he was growing up. Thankfully he had a mother for the first five years of his life. Those impressionable years are important. Later I did the best that I could, yet the years when I was using, I can't take back. I have to accept them for what they were, a path I had to trod to get to the doors of recovery and make changes in today.

[SunnyGirl]

thank you for your thoughts.... SG

[caressa]

Just because I accept someone for who they are and where they are at in today, doesn't mean I like it or that I choose to have that person in my life. I went through treatment with two girls and we all stayed sober for one year. The other girls relapsed. I had to detach from both of them and not have them in my life even though we were really close. One I lived with at one time. She came back into the program. I saw her quite often, they she got involved in a relationship, an old pattern for her, and I had to detach again. Not to the extent I did before, because she is still sober. She has made the decision to quit meetings and made other choices that I don't feel are healty for my sobriety. The other girl is begging on the street, asks me for money when she sees me, and I don't give it to her. I will still stop and say hello and depending on her condition, I will pass the time of day. If she starts yelling and making a scene, I walk away.

I had a sponsor in Al-Anon. She didn't feel comfortable around me and sharing her life because she drinks. That is her choice. It has nothing to do with my sobriety and my program. It is her issue, not mine. I go to my bridge party. There are people there who are not alcoholics who don't drink. I don't tell every one that I am a recovering alcoholic. But I have share with a few who I have become friends with. Quite often they go out after bridge to eat and party. I have been invited, but have chosen not to go. It isn't about their drinking, it is about my sobriety. I have gone and ate with them and been the only person not having a drink with their meal. They accept me for who I am and respect my decision. If I decided to have a drink, they would be quite protective of me and would try to stop me. One Christmas someone brought a cake with alcohol in it and they came up to me to tell me and told me not to have it. They don't realize that if I chose to have a drink, there would be nothing they could do to stop me.

[caressa222]

Well I can't recall going along to get along too many times in my life. If I did, it didn't last long and I would have been in their face.

I don't think others need to accept us, we need to accept ourself. If they do accept us, I think it is called unconditional love.

I know I am not my dtsease. Yet I do know that my dis-ease is part of who I am.