Post by caressa on Feb 21, 2010 16:01:08 GMT -5
Wrote this in April 2005. I am so grateful that ACoA allowed me to look at myself and helped me to get honest and get rid of the blame game and the shame role I played for so many years.
It was great to find that I was no longer alone and not unique in my disease but unique in my journey to get to the doors of recovery. We all get here through different routes and when we get here the goal is the same. It is ironic that according to some people, I did things in reverse. Most people go to ACoA only to find that they have inherited their disease or if you will, which I think is closer to the truth, we were products of our environment. Not everyone chooses the same path as our alcoholic/addict relatives and their drug of choice but often find our outlet through other substances like relationships, work, food, etc.
How grateful I was that I had found AA before I went to Adult Children of Alcoholics. I would have stayed in my blame game.
If I hadn't gone to AA first, I would have remained in my denial a lot longer and may never have entered into the rooms of recovery for myself.
At my first meeting, it was like "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, which of us hurts the most of all!" I identified so much with what people shared, but I know that I would have taken it as an affirmation of my using, rather than the fact that I was a product of my environment.
My father was an alcoholic, my mother died as a result of her overeating, and I became an alcoholic and addict. In today, thanks to recovery, I know that they are not to blame, that I made my own choices, and that when I made the choice to stop, I couldn't, without the rooms of recovery. I could stop, but I couldn't stay stopped.
Justification and rationalization darn near killed me, it kept me sick and in denial for a long, long time. I need to always remember that for every finger I point toward someone, some place, some thing, I have three fingers coming back at me.
I was so grateful that I found out that alcohol wasn't the problem, it was but a symptom of my disease. My problem was an obsessive compulsive mind, a disease of perception, and one of denial that told me I was just "fine" and it was everyone else who had the problem not me, and if everyone just did what I thought they should, or acted the way that I knew the good Lord intended them to act, and if they would just not annoy me, and they would do as I say, then everything would just be just grand! LOL.
Sounds good in the telling, but in reality it is really sick! Thank God for the rooms of recovery and a second chance at life. Thank you for the gift of self-honesty and the gift of forgiveness and grace. One day at a time, I do get better. I will always have the alcoholic thinking I believe. Recovery is about what am I going to do about it. In today, it is called change and freedom of choice
It was great to find that I was no longer alone and not unique in my disease but unique in my journey to get to the doors of recovery. We all get here through different routes and when we get here the goal is the same. It is ironic that according to some people, I did things in reverse. Most people go to ACoA only to find that they have inherited their disease or if you will, which I think is closer to the truth, we were products of our environment. Not everyone chooses the same path as our alcoholic/addict relatives and their drug of choice but often find our outlet through other substances like relationships, work, food, etc.
How grateful I was that I had found AA before I went to Adult Children of Alcoholics. I would have stayed in my blame game.
If I hadn't gone to AA first, I would have remained in my denial a lot longer and may never have entered into the rooms of recovery for myself.
At my first meeting, it was like "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, which of us hurts the most of all!" I identified so much with what people shared, but I know that I would have taken it as an affirmation of my using, rather than the fact that I was a product of my environment.
My father was an alcoholic, my mother died as a result of her overeating, and I became an alcoholic and addict. In today, thanks to recovery, I know that they are not to blame, that I made my own choices, and that when I made the choice to stop, I couldn't, without the rooms of recovery. I could stop, but I couldn't stay stopped.
Justification and rationalization darn near killed me, it kept me sick and in denial for a long, long time. I need to always remember that for every finger I point toward someone, some place, some thing, I have three fingers coming back at me.
I was so grateful that I found out that alcohol wasn't the problem, it was but a symptom of my disease. My problem was an obsessive compulsive mind, a disease of perception, and one of denial that told me I was just "fine" and it was everyone else who had the problem not me, and if everyone just did what I thought they should, or acted the way that I knew the good Lord intended them to act, and if they would just not annoy me, and they would do as I say, then everything would just be just grand! LOL.
Sounds good in the telling, but in reality it is really sick! Thank God for the rooms of recovery and a second chance at life. Thank you for the gift of self-honesty and the gift of forgiveness and grace. One day at a time, I do get better. I will always have the alcoholic thinking I believe. Recovery is about what am I going to do about it. In today, it is called change and freedom of choice
Attachments:
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.