nothing changes, if nothing changes....

[SunnyGirl]

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always
get what you always got, and you'll always feel what you
always felt"....

In reading on-line today I ran across the saying above, not
sure where it originated, but I was certain this is where I
needed to share it with you.

My biological father was an alcoholic as were the 3 step
fathers that followed him. My Mom was so codependent
she was always drawn to the same type of man..... That
being said, I have never felt scarred by my "dad's drinking"
but I was definitely jaded by my Mom's codependency.

We all enter this world as infants, so change is inevitable....
As a child I watched my parents closely, trying to figure out
how adults are suppose to act. As a teen I rebelled from time
to time but as an adult I was forced to grow up and face life.
What my childhood taught me was, I knew I did not want to
repeat the past.....

Even the deepest wounds, the one's that scar, will heal if
I bring them into the light of day. Today, I'm not perfect,
I still have some codependent tendencies but I am equipped
to deal with life. I don't always welcome change, but when
I'm certain it's here to stay, I adapt to it. Each day makes
me more certain, that working the steps and using the slogans,
have helped me to do a lot of housekeeping in my mind.

I no longer play the blame game, I no longer consider myself
to be an adult child. Yes, there was alcoholism, but I now
consider my experience as a good lesson of what I didn't
want to be when I grew up. I am a grown up, all of the
decisions I make today are based on my own thoughts, not
left over from my childhood. I have been blessed with only
a few minor scars, but nothing I can't handle with a little
help from a loving Higher Power, whom I call God.

Have a wonderful Saturday, SunnyGirl

[caressa]

Someone told me the other day, that I could go out and have that one drink. To most people's way of thinking, if I did that, it would mean I am not an alcoholic. That being said, I know that when I got honest, I had the thinking behind the drinking." I did not set out to get drunk, many people said they never saw me drunk and didn't think I had a problem. Yet again, that being said, I can't be sober if I can't remember whether I had over 20 or under 20 drink on a Saturday night. I wouldn't have hid the booze so that I had something to drink when my dad and my husband passed out. I didn't like beer. I can't be an alcoholic. Yet I tried to drink beer and try to belong and be one of the crowd; going so far as to add coca-cola to it to see if I could get it down that way.

I was looking for attention, I was looking for love, acceptance, validation, and affirmation because I couldn't find it within myself. My insecurities started in my childhood. I remember the fear as a child. I had major anxiety when I had to go to my grandparent's place. They didn't drink. My grandfather was a minister and my grandmother a teacher. Both uncles and my father drank, but I didn't know this growing up. I only saw my dad drunk twice. It was not allowed in our home. Mother hid it well.

The changes had to come from within me. For so many years, I looked outside of myself to make me feel better. If my son was okay, I was happy. If I had food to eat, rent was paid, and I had money left over to have a bottle, I was really happy.

I didn't know that I was addicted to caretaking and fixing others. I didn't know that I focused on them because I didn't want to look at myself. I was a people pleaser, manipulator, controller, and so self-centered, that I if I helped you, you should give me what I wanted or pay me in kind and if you didn't, you owed me.

When I was living with my father, a 26er of rye was $16. and he would give me a $20. He would ask me about the change and I would tell him it was transportation charges. That didn't stop me from helping him to drink the bottle either. I went and got it, so it was only right that I should help him drink it. What is yours is mine. What is mine is mine. I was constantly at war with myself. Living in my body was not fun. Living with a head, that was constantly fed by old tapes, mixed messages, and denail of my disease, brought me to a point of insanity where I wanted to stop the world because I wanted to get off.

The only thing I can change is me. I had to recognize what it was within me that had to be changed. I had to be willing to change. I had to be willing to turn me, others, and life over to my HP. I had to get honest. I had to surrender. I had to become willing. That is HOW the program worked for me.

I am an adult child because my father was an alcoholic and my mother was a food addict. I have a son who is an adult child who had a grandfather who was an alcoholic, a step-father who I labelled an alcoholic, and a mother who is a recovering alcoholic.

Just because I am in recovery doesn't mean I am all better. It means that just for today, I choose to turn my will and my life over to my HP and I will try to the best of my ability, to be the best me, I can be.

[SunnyGirl]

Sept 18, 2010 16:22:53 GMT -5 @caressa said:

The only thing I can change is me. I had to recognize what it
was within me that had to be changed. I had to be willing to
change. I had to be willing to turn me, others, and life over to
my HP. I had to get honest. I had to surrender. I had to
become willing. That is HOW the program worked for me.

Just because I am in recovery doesn't mean I am all better. It
means that just for today, I choose to turn my will and my life
over to my HP and I will try to the best of my ability, to be the
best me, I can be.

(((((Caressa))))) well said my friend!

Peace on the journey, SunnyGirl