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Post by Lin on Jul 24, 2013 9:12:21 GMT -5
This is the reading on April 21 in Hope for Today.
One indication of maturity is the ability to consider the opinions of others. However, somewhere along the line in my alcoholic upbringing, I developed the idea that what I believed to be true was always right. My way was the way to think. Such black and while perception didn't allow me to hear, let alone consider different viewpoints. My intolerance was rooted in two of my main character defects--fear and insecurity. My opinions were inseparable from my self-image. If my opinions were wrong, I was wrong. If my philosophy wasn't good enough, I wasn 't good enough. Thanks to particular elements of the alanon program such as allowing members to share without receiving advice and the slogans "listen and learn" and "Live and let live" I've learned a healthier was to hear and respond to views that differ from mine. Just as feelings aren't facts, opinions aren't either. They simply reflect how an individual sees a particular issue. I don't have to decide whether another's angle of vision is right or wrong. I can listen with detachment, accept the other person's right to have an opinion, and perhaps even say. "You may be right". Such behavior gives freedom to both the speaker and the listener.
Thought for the day- Today I'll allow others to say what they think and allow myself to think about what they say.
LIN
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Post by Lin on Jul 24, 2013 9:19:28 GMT -5
My favorite part of the reading is the daily reminder....I need to allow others to say what they think and allow myself to think about what they say.
What also came to my mind is the fact many people have definite opinions on religion and Politics. So those two subjects often lead to disagreements. I can listen without passing judgment. I can remember we each have a right to have opinions and neither of us needs to be right or wrong. I may drive one route to get to a place and you may take a different route. We are neither one WRONG. We just have different ideas. Respecting the opinions and not letting another push our buttons when they give their opinion...very good rule. Another rule I made a long time ago...dont' argue with an alkie when they are inebriated. That's a losing battle. I would say something like...Let me think about that and talk to you tomorrow.
Opinions are like "behinds" we all have one. I ask myself "Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right?" Another way I deal wit the opinions of others and keep my own serenity.
What are your thoughts on OPINIONS? LIN
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Post by BW on Jul 24, 2013 12:46:25 GMT -5
What are your thoughts on OPINIONS?Hmmmm...... interesting question ..First thing that comes to mind is in the rooms of recovery we share expereince strength and hope...for me none of those are opinions...they are personal reflections...Opinions are or could be argumentative and do not extend the heartfelt hand of hope that the struggling person needs when they reach our doors to the journey of recovery. Opinions...for me, come from our wealth of "head knowledge" and again within the rooms of recovery we are hopefully sharing the "Language of the Heart"...with things like faith, love, compassion, peace, truth etc....these are fruits of the spirit and I uncovered them in my heart when I did the steps. When I show at a meeting early or I stay late ..now that is when the opinions are heard loud and clear.. Lin mentioned religion and politics...sometimes those opinions truly get me ready and willing for the meeting or for another meeting What comes to mind here is the 10th Tradition that says..."Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy." [Notice the word opinion is in italics..] What this is saying is a reflection of the line in the book that states "we have ceased fighting any thing and everyone" so yes...the phrase.."You may be right" does indeed apply. In the contents of the 12 x 12 it states.."Reluctance to fight is not a special virtue. Survival and spread of A.A. are our primary aims." Opinions can and do turn people away and we do not want that..we want to attract rather than repel them with fear or animosity. Therefore we go back to where we began...sharing expereince strength and hope with love and tolerance as our code. For me that closes the circle and embraces all. The 12th step says "Practice these principles in all our affairs" so even in those times before a meeting and those times after a meeting I try not to share opinions and keep it at ESH because you never know who might be watching and listening and I ask myself, "Does my talk and actions match my words? Does what I do out here reflect what I say in the rooms? Am I walking my talk? Will others see the program working in how I carry myself and in how I talk, act, respond to others? That wary struggling traveler that is full of fear needs to see that hope not hear my opinions 'cuz actions speak louder than words. That is not to say I don't honor others by not listening..It is important to listen..That is how I add to my spiritual tool box. Ya never know when a gem or a pearl is going to be dropped that can be used. And listening to others is one of the greatest gifts we can give to others. The additional benifit to listening, for me, is I learn also how not to be. So I spend a great deal of time observing and listening. Then I reflect on what I see and hear then go to God or my spiritual mentors and ask them or myself..."Is this anything I can use?" There is a saying in the rooms.."Take what you need and leave the rest" Tho it took me a long time to understand that it is one that does apply in regards to opinions . Anothing I heard once is "Another persons' perceptions does not have to become my reality". I had shared something in a meeting and another person took it personal and confronted me with anger and judgement. They made assumptions based on insufficient facts. When I went to my sponsor that was what she told me. She also said that opinions often, not always but often come from a place of EGO or "One Up Manship". I'd rather let God speak thru me than to have my EGO back...My EGO is not a very attractive lady like person. So my quiet reflections and observations are my humble tribute to the God that brought me here. Thanx for an interesting topic Lin
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Post by Lin on Jul 24, 2013 13:35:32 GMT -5
Excellent share BW! This is the reading I had our Monday f2f on. Something you mentioned was also something I said...we are here to share experience, strength and hope. I also added we don't give advice...just share what works for us. I clarified that the closest thing we do to giving advice is to ask people to try at least six meetings, read the literature, attend meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps. We wont tell you how to get your loved one sober. We just share how we deal with our own lives.
LIN
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Post by SunnyGirl on Jul 26, 2013 13:48:34 GMT -5
Thank for typing out the reading Lin.....
It's a great topic and wonderful shares from the two of you..... You're what keeps me coming back!
This topic takes me back to all the on-line meetings I've chaired and attended. They all closed with the following statement:
"In closing I would like to say that the opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you liked and leave the rest."
All any of us can share in a meeting or in life, is our opinion. My beliefs and thoughts make me who I am.... What works for me may never work for anyone else! In the meetings I can listen to how others have handled life and use their methods or discard it as it just wouldn't work in my life. Other times I will find a pearl of wisdom and try it and it was a life changer. You just have to sort it out and often pray to come to a decision.
BW... mentioned, "Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues". Makes no sense to bring up topics that just might tear the group apart as opposed to bonding. Years ago I would stop by another recovery message board, strictly for entertainment. It was around election time and they were debating who was the better candidate. There was needless to say a whole bunch of strong opinions and it only caused friction and hard feelings. I didn't have to stay long to figure out that some really weren't practicing recovery in all their affairs.
Lin.... and her "you may be right" has been a real life saver for me! Today, I can listen to any ones opinion, doesn't mean I have to agree but I can listen instead of arguing.
Many of my opinions are based on beliefs that my mother and grandmother held for many years.... I shared these same opinions with my children and they've sorted through them and hold the ones they think are correct. I've learned that it's best for me to not try to sway them, but just accept that we agree to disagree. We have topics that we just don't discuss and it just seems to work out for the best.
Great discussion topic Lin, thanks for all you do!
Peace on the journey, SG
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Post by Lin on Jul 26, 2013 14:40:07 GMT -5
Wonderful share SG. Glad to have your computer back working..for now at least. Hope you figure it out.
LIN
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Post by DJgrrl on Mar 28, 2014 14:04:39 GMT -5
My mom is 83 and not in that great of shape. I have had to block her phone calls as I just could not support her emotionally any longer. I feel sad and guilty about this but it was affecting my health. I'm wondering if anyone has a suggestion what else I can do ? I just can't see it as I need support myself right now. If she were to die tomorrow I am sure I would feel a great deal of guilt and fear. I will miss my mom. She went to Al Anon for only a few weeks many many years ago ... but she did pick up or tell me about the saying " You could be right". Sadly.. I think she is the only one I have used that with.
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Post by BW on Mar 31, 2014 12:45:34 GMT -5
Hi DJ Heard in the Al Anon rooms that it takes love to detach. That is to say I do not just shut the person out of my life completely...They do still live in my heart. I just cannot allow them to drag me down and rob me of my serenity or God's peace. When I became stronger in God's love and light and my faith shield was fortified and I was very clean with blance and boundaries that I knew I was not walking alone then I was able to have limited contact. That took a while and a lot of prayer, meditation and the support and encouragement of many of my prayer warriors.
Bear in mind tho that what works for one person may or may not work for another...I will pray that God gives you what is right for you.
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Post by majestyjo on Oct 24, 2014 17:58:52 GMT -5
Great topic Lin, just reading. I was always told, it was something everyone had and was entitle to, although I always felt I wasn't granted one. Even in recovery, I seemed to get shot down when mine was expressed.
I was about two years sober and went to my sponsor after a meeting and said, this guy disagreed with me and said I was talking from my head. She said, "That is ok dear, if that is where you are at, that is ok. I said, "But how can he disagree with me when it is me sharing my experience, and it was my interruption. I felt even if I was wrong and coming from the wrong place, he didn't have the right, especially at an open meeting.
He may have had a different perspective and might have been in a similar set of circumstances, but it was my life, and even in today, I realize, that I still have a wee resentment. It wasn't so much about what he said as how he said it. If he had said he disagreed instead of coming across as I was wrong, I might have been more accepting. Just because I had about 2 years of recovery, doesn't mean I don't know. I had a Higher Power, I had a program, I had a sponsor, who I later let go, and it was my truth in the moment, and I had the right to express and share my experience, strength, and hope at that meeting. It wasn't my opinion on someone else's share or experience, it was my opinion on what happened to me. Yes, there might have been a more indepth meaning, but at that time, I was not aware. He did not make me aware. His words were not enlightening, if they were, I didn't hear, I was so annoyed, I shut him completely out. It made me very aware that it often how we say them, not just what we say. Something I will probably always have to work on.
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