I hate me

[knothead]

I just got drunk again.

I don't even know why.

I mean, everything seemed so good last night.

But I like the liquor. No, I like how it makes me not "feel."

I thought I had it. I was wrong.

d**n, this program hurts.

Honesty sucks.

[lala]

knotthead thank you for your honesty i would like to share with you that i have been in and out of aa for over 15 yrs each and every time i thought i had it i thought for sure each time was it that i would never drink again and low and behold everytime id end up doing it again somehow i felt doomed like maybe i was one of those hopleless alkies that would die of this disease until one day it just didint do for me what it had always done before i saw for the first time that my best friend could no longer take pain from me it was then that i turned to god and said take my life its yours do with me what you will lead the way and i been sober ever since but the important thing is i never gave up even though i came in and out and in and out it was more of what i thought others were thinking of me rather then what i thought of me your not hopless knotthead your NOT DEAD as long as you breath the air your not hopeless keep commin back it duz work..........lala

[TxRainwater]

Thank you for the share. Don't waste your time beating yourself up, turn that passion towards loving yourself. As in navigating a trip, things happen to slow us down sometimes.....fix that flat and get back on the road! Sometimes we take the wrong road and get a bit lost, turn around and find your way again. All is not gone, you are still breathing as LaLa said. There is always hope.
I have also been in and out for 20 yrs, this is the first time that I have given it all to a power greater than myself. I have to want sobriety more than anything, or I won't have sobriety at all.
Nothing worth having is ever easy.
Welcome back friend.

Love and light,
Brenda

[knothead]

Thanks, you guys.

I'm nursing a hangover.

But I'm still alive.

Ya'll give me hope.

I fell asleep after that last post (actually, I kinda blacked out).

Whoever said "fake it 'til you make it" was speaking to me.

I'm an asp.

I like to believe I'm somehow different.

NOT.

We are all unique, from different backgrounds. Our disease is the same.

Thank God.

Relating comes easy, with an open ear & heart.

You people are wonderful!!!!

[ChrisK]

Read your first post again. U said u like the way booze made u feel. U have that wrong. It's not the way it makes u feel, it's the way it stops u from feelin. It's hard dealin with emotions when, u first get sober. I thought , this sucks!1 i held on to my butt both hands. u can't pick up that way. After a few 24 hours it got so much easier except 4 my typin that is LOL

[mender1]

I started in 81 and my sobriety date is 11/19/92 it took me 11 years in and out before I made it about we instead of I.
I listen to Keep coming back
Then one day I stayed

[~graced~]

You have a sponsor that you think highly of--call him, eh?

It's a 'we' deal. The best I can do for me is to let other folks help me. Not always easy, but for me, it's required.

And yep...I didn't get this right the first time either. My propensity is to think too much and not do. And while I was busy trying to 'figure it out' I kept floundering.

Try not thinking and picking up the phone?

*hugs*

[knothead]

Thanks to everyone that responded.

I don't hate me because I'm a selfish SOB.

"I want what I want when I want it."

And tried to face life on life's terms & didn't like the way it made me feel, so I did what came naturally: I prescribed myself an order of booze. "My gawd, if you were in my shoes, you'd drink too!" I'd make an excellent MD, don't you think???

Meanwhile, everything is crashing in around me because of alcohol & drugs. Some family members don't want to be associated anymore; the freaking pets are even wary of me.

And, normally, I'm not even a violent personality - type.

I'm "passive-aggressive" at best, according to a psych test I once took, many years ago. That is, I tend to store stuff inside, and then get revenge in an ulterior way at a later date.

But all of that being said, I am, thankfully, back on the wagon. Just for today.

That is all any of us have. Today. Thank God I don't have live this life one decade at a time.