I am a drunk

[knothead]

I hate to admit it, but I got drunk over "working" my 4th step.

I wrote a few things, looked back over them & exclaimed: "holy crap!" Surely that isn't me . . .

My G-d, cunning, baffling & powerful doesn't even begin to describe . . .

No intention whatsoever to pick up . . . But I did.

I called my sponser subsequently. He basically said I needed a firmer 3rd step to build upon, and a better way to work step four.

The way I was working the 4th step was more or less the 8th.

I apologize.

[ChrisK]

I guess, that might be the first time I ever heard of anyone getting drunk while working a step. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just a suggestion, I've been told to include my good qualities as well. No one in here is without sin. If,I can stay sober you can to. Always remember what made you go to AA in the first place. I'm guessing you came in cause you just won the lottery right?

[~graced~]

Yep.....I had a sponsor who took me back when I fumbled on a step. The steps are written in order for a reason, even if I don't agree or get what the reason is. And I didn't get it. I did what you did and got something close to what you got....I got ahead of myself and started editing what I was putting in that fourth step cuz I knew there was an eighth step following.....I wanted to have some control over who I was going to have to get back and clean up a mess with. Bless my NEXT sponsor (yep, cuz it wasn't my choice to call and get help) who assured me that amends weren't something we were going to get to do for some time!

And pray tell, what is it you're apologizing for and to whom?
Might be the ones ya want to be apologizing to is you and G-d, eh?
If ya always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.....I hated being told that one!

But you're right....cunning, baffling and powerful is only a good start at describing the disease in action. I have a disease that's working at claiming me. I look at it as a live thing...something that's living within me that's awaiting the right opportunity, the right circumstances and the right moment to claim me. It wants me to fail, it wants me dead...and it darn near succeeded multiple times. Ringing the sponsor interrupts with the plan it has. So it ain't all bad.....if we can help you to ring BEFORE picking up, we'll be doing you a service, indeed.

BTW...I have this copy of "I am your disease" that I carry in my Big Book bag. (yeah...I tote the book to every meeting cuz 'back when' it was "required" of me by the sponsor) It's a great reminder for me to take that writing out once in a while and remind myself that it's lurking and waiting for that opportune moment.

I'm glad you got hold of the sponsor and didn't do what I did.
*hugs*

[knothead]

~graced~ said:

Yep.....I had a sponsor who took me back when I fumbled on a step. The steps are written in order for a reason, even if I don't agree or get what the reason is. And I didn't get it. I did what you did and got something close to what you got....I got ahead of myself and started editing what I was putting in that fourth step cuz I knew there was an eighth step following.....I wanted to have some control over who I was going to have to get back and clean up a mess with. Bless my NEXT sponsor (yep, cuz it wasn't my choice to call and get help) who assured me that amends weren't something we were going to get to do for some time!

And pray tell, what is it you're apologizing for and to whom?
Might be the ones ya want to be apologizing to is you and G-d, eh?
If ya always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.....I hated being told that one!

But you're right....cunning, baffling and powerful is only a good start at describing the disease in action. I have a disease that's working at claiming me. I look at it as a live thing...something that's living within me that's awaiting the right opportunity, the right circumstances and the right moment to claim me. It wants me to fail, it wants me dead...and it darn near succeeded multiple times. Ringing the sponsor interrupts with the plan it has. So it ain't all bad.....if we can help you to ring BEFORE picking up, we'll be doing you a service, indeed.

BTW...I have this copy of "I am your disease" that I carry in my Big Book bag. (yeah...I tote the book to every meeting cuz 'back when' it was "required" of me by the sponsor) It's a great reminder for me to take that writing out once in a while and remind myself that it's lurking and waiting for that opportune moment.

I'm glad you got hold of the sponsor and didn't do what I did.
*hugs*

Thanks, graced, once again. You are indeed a shining example of the kind sobriety that this old coot would like to obtain.

(And, before anyone begins snickering here about "step 13," I am a happily married man)

But I'm quite certain that you, graced, didn't get it all at once, given your responces & all.

This is kind of a follow-up to my original post. My sponsor sent out another sponcee of his (he has quite a bit of clean time himself & could easily be my sponsor) to my home.

This guy comes over, ringing the doorbell. After a while, I decided get up off my rump & answer it.
I was amazed to this guy, because I had met him before in meetings. No introductions were really necessary. But he did introduce himself something like this: "I'm Tom, we met at an AA meeting the other day & I believe we have the same sponsor." So, I had to ask who his sponsor was, right?

Long story short, we ended up pouring all of my booze (what was left of it) down the drain. And then, "Tom" invited me to go a meeting with him. I didn't accept at first, because, as you all know, every practicing alcoholic has too many priorties (excuses) ahead. "Tom" more or less called me on it, and I did end up going to a meeting. A speaker's meeting, at that.

The speaker basically told my story, almost to a "T." Not only that, I was able to talk with him one-to-one in private afterwards. How often does that happen?

My goodness, what more do I need? Everything seems to be pointing me in the right direction, and yet I keep screwing it up for almost no reason.

That, I suppose, was the impetus towards an apology. Pretending to be something I'm not (at least not yet). I don't yet have 13 years, 3 years, or even 30 days of clean time.

I want what I want when I want it (NOW).

Oh, and one last thing (from the above speaker): "there is no 'I' in 'we."

The rehabs i've been through try to tell you it is a selfish program. Nothing could be further from the truth, FWIW.

[mender1]

Knothead,
Step 4 is taking out trash,
We fill our lives with problem after problem when we drink.
We do things that the real person inside would never do unless drunk.
We say things and do things that are not a part of our true nature while under the control of addiction.
Step 4 lets us get rid of the guilt of things done and makes room for the positive things .
When we replace the negative with the positive you must exspect your diease to fight back because you are doing what it takes to put in in remission.
It is a controling disease and it does not want to give up control so it uses the tool of guilt to make you sumit.
Step 4 is a cleaning of self and gives you a foundation to build a positive way of life.
Do not worry about getting everything out at once you have a life time to turn it around,
BUT we must have a starting place and a clean sense of mind is the begining.
Write it, say it and give it away and be done with it simple
You will remember more as time goes on and you can take care of the things you missed in writing later.
I have done a couple of 4th step in my sobriety this time around.


My first was less than two weeks sober my sponser
had writing right away and it seemed like a bunch of mumble jumble but it made room for the positive .
With the positive I had a sound foundation to build on.

[~graced~]

Yeah! What Owen said!! (good share, btw...I enjoyed reading that one!)

And I'm inclined to agree with ya, Knothead....A.A. is a selfless program in which a lot of work on 'self' is done....sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly...

And ain't it amazing what happens when we shut up, suit up and show up? I'm glad to hear G-d took care such good care of you by putting several messengers in your path.

G-d doesn't make junk, we're all His kiddos...and there ain't nothing that you and He can't walk through together. Not to mention you don't EVER have to do it alone cuz there's plenty of folks willing to walk through it with ya if you'll just LET them, ya know? Ain't no one here expecting you to 'be' anything....at least you can rest assured THIS drunk isn't expecting you to be anything or 'be' somewhere that you're not. You really can just 'be' where your feet are. Just don't 'expect' me to encourage you to stay there..LOL....especially if my experience tells me that's was a bad plan!

A day at a time....this disease does NOT have to claim you.
And WE can do what you've proven over and over again that you can't do all by your little lonesome.
You're right....ain't no "I" in "WE".

*hugs*

So....sounds like you're back to the surrendering part, eh? :-)
That happens to be one of my daily and favourite steps!
:-D (well, most times I like it..LOL....)

[TxRainwater]

Hi Knothead,
Brenda here/alcoholic in Texas.
Thank you for sharing so honestly. As my sponsor was working with me on the steps and we came to the 4th, she just told me....jokingly........you know, these steps are in order for a reason...don't take a fifth over your fourth (meaning a fifth of.....'whatever'). Many have.
She explained the fourth to me as bagging up my garbage, then taking it to her for help in carrying it out. She did that, it seemed I could get some on paper ...but, then didn't know or really want to do anything with it.
We had our appt for my 5th step I was there with her for about 4 or 5 hours then (I had gone over a lot of this 'stuff' with her in times before )went home to sleep. I slept wonderfully for the first time in no telling how long. First thing tho in the morning, I remembered the one little paragraph that I had slipped into the shredder before I left for her house....yes, I thought I could get away with no one ever ever knowing about THAT. I called her on the phone and told her I was gonna die if I told her and I was gonna die if I didn't....(I can laugh now) and I was serious. She said well, you better get it out now and we will see. Never before did I ever make it to a 'real' 4th/5th step. I know that is why I could never stay sober. I started tryin in 1986.
I love my sponsor and am so grateful to her. My HP sure did good having her in my path at just the right time.
Here I am still sober. I didn't die. If I make it, it will be a year on the 29th of this month.
I know now that here is nothing that I have thought, said or done that hasn't been done by someone. I am not alone. I know that. I was as sick as my secrets. Let me tell you I was a sick pup! I thought I was just so special I HAD to be perfect or I was nothing.
Yes, it is a we program. Together WE can do what I cannot do alone.
Thank you again for sharing and letting me share also.
Love and Light,
Brenda

[mender1]

Brenda,
I LOVE YOU,
I agree with you it is just trash that pollutes our inside and feel's us with guilt.
There will be times later on that amends can be made if possible, to take away the guilt that remain's.

Brenda,
I remember a year ago when I first encountered you you were really messed up in your way of thinking.
Look at what you went thru this last year and look at the way you think now.
All the reading and shareing and applying the spiritual things that were given to you has really change the person.
You are a special person and have given me insight's that I choose to overlook before.
I can not begin to tell you what you have done for me my friend.
Just makes my hearts smile .

[mender1]

(((((((graced)))))))))

It really is hard to surrender I must of really like the fight not wanting to surrender to win.
WOW what a statement "surrender to win"
Does not even sound right
But if I can not give what I can not handle, to God then I have already lost.
I have proven to myself over and over that I can not do it alone.

Knothead I never look down on anyone who's diease turn's on them in a moment that the only defense we have is to turn it over to a higher power and pray for the obsession to leave.
It could take a moment or hour's depend on how you want to handle it.
I am sure I can not say anything you have not heard in the room's only my ESH on how I did it wrong for 11 years before I finally did what it takes to stay sober.
I am sure you have phone #'s and you made the choice not to call.
I also know you know how to stay sober
Don't drink go to meetings
sounds simple you know why because it is,sometimes that is all we can do is not drink go to meetings.
Then something happen's,
Since we are not drinking then we cause less problem's for ourselves and more positive thing's start happenning
Before you know it a year is here and life is not alway's great but it is at least liveable.

You are starting over but the only thing that has changed is the date.
You still have inside what you choose to keep along the way.
do not trip on the step's walk them.
I know I come across hard some times and when I do just know I do out of compassion and love that this program has taught me.
I can say all the thing's you have heard again for you but you have to choose to listen.

I believe it is all about choice
I have to make a decision to drink today,it is not as it use to be where I drank because that is how I thought I survived.
I have to make a choice am I going to do the thing's I have come to believe keep's me sober
or do the thing's I know led me to getting drunk.

If I chose to drink then I am giving my choice away because just wanting to not drink does not happen and I have another drink in me, but can I find my way back to this program before it is to late?
I must do the thing's that has kept me sober for over 11 years now everyday.
If I leave something out then something is left out of my day it seem's.

My suggestion would to be start writing now on your fourth step.
The oldtimer's that came off the ward at St Thomas Hospital in Akron, Ohio did Step 1-5 in 1-2 days.
I think it was done so fast because we are filled with so much guilt and pain we must release it some how.

[lala]

hey knotthead all i can say is KEEP COMMING BACK IT WORKS IF YA WORK IT CUZ IT DONT WORK ITSELF however i had to do this thing in and out over 15 yrs and i still cant say I WONT EVER DO IT AGAIN cuz its a one day at a time deal but hey dont try this alone it doesnt work trust me just KEEP COMMIN BACK TAKE CARE AND EASY DUZ IT.....LALA