Wrong Focus

[knothead]

I get bent out of shape over people talking about others after the meetings sometimes.

You know, "the meeting after the meeting."

Gossip, basically.

I told this to my sponsor.

He basically said: "What the hell has that to do with you or your recovery?"

I said, because this certain individual broke the 12th tradition.

He said, "so, you are SO pissed, that you are going to allow him to come between yourself & sobriety?"

I thought to myself for a while.

I told him, "dammit, you make too much sense sometimes!!!"

Why should I (or anyone else) allow someone to be that important to me.

We are all humans. And we are all alcoholics. And we quite naturally F-up now and then.

The focus should be, necessarily, on my recovery & the steps. Not on anyone else, inside or outside.

[~graced~]

Verrrrrrrry good, Knothead! :-)

Awful easy to let the distractions become what gets your time and attention, isn't it?

My old fart sponsor said it elequently when he announced to me that other people's opinions were none of my business! He also had this 'opinion' of gossip, which I wasn't suppose to pay attention to...LOL...but did.
"I figure if they're talking about me, they're leaving someone else alone"
LOL I liked that so much I stole it!

I don't much like gossip when it's about someone else....I don't tend to give a care when it's about me. I figure if they're talking about me, they're leaving SuzieQ alone....LOL I've found it really simple to pat the other person on the back and simply remind them:
"Love and tolerance of others is our code" which only serves to remind me that I need to practice that with them as well--which is all about me and MY recovery.
Ain't it cool how it all comes back to that?

LOL Which means you should pay no attention to what I just said.....LOLOL
Oy oy oy......LOL

Hey! It's a Monday morning and I'm a bit caffeine deficient! (leastwise that's my story and I'm sticking to it for this moment in time...)
You go have a great 24!!!!
I know I will!

[knothead]

~graced~ said:

Verrrrrrrry good, Knothead! :-)

Awful easy to let the distractions become what gets your time and attention, isn't it?

No Kidding. It sure is for this old drunk. I tend to want to try & rectify everything that is wrong in my small, insular world, without having to deal with biggest culprit: moi.

My old fart sponsor said it elequently when he announced to me that other people's opinions were none of my business! He also had this 'opinion' of gossip, which I wasn't suppose to pay attention to...LOL...but did.
"I figure if they're talking about me, they're leaving someone else alone"
LOL I liked that so much I stole it!

Man, I like that as well!!! I think may have steal it & use it myself sometime. Seriously, I have issues with a certain individual in my home group concerning the 12th tradition. My sponsor told me I should bring it up at the next Group Business Meeting, which is this coming Friday. There is problem with that, though. This man, though a very religious meeting attender, has just recently been kicked out of his house (not paying rent on time). How do you kick someone when they are already in dire straits? He does mean well, but he is a "busy-body" that talks too frequently before and after scheduled meetings. I am sincerely afraid that he could actually scare some newcomers off (even though most seem to appreciate what he shares During the meetings). This guy is very clever. He has his "newcomer" routine down to a science. I think he is probably in his mid-sixties, he has been bobbing in & out for many years now. I saw & heard him when I went to my first AA meeting, about 15 years ago. His message to the newcomer has not changed one iota. But he defintely has a problem with sharing about almost anything outside of the first 3 steps.

I don't much like gossip when it's about someone else....I don't tend to give a care when it's about me. I figure if they're talking about me, they're leaving SuzieQ alone....LOL I've found it really simple to pat the other person on the back and simply remind them:
"Love and tolerance of others is our code" which only serves to remind me that I need to practice that with them as well--which is all about me and MY recovery.
Ain't it cool how it all comes back to that?

YEP, it sure is!!!!!!!!!! Thanks so much, ~graced~. That made my day (well, actually, dayS).

It isn't so much about the stuff going on around me, as it is how I react to it, either internally or externally. How a given situation actually affects me, deep-down.

LOL Which means you should pay no attention to what I just said.....LOLOL
Oy oy oy......LOL

But I did pay attention & it made perfect sense to me, despite your being caffeine-deprived. Thanks so much!!!! Heck, no one I've ever met got arrested for drinking too much coffee.

LOL, yourself, comrade!!!!!!!!!

Hey! It's a Monday morning and I'm a bit caffeine deficient! (leastwise that's my story and I'm sticking to it for this moment in time...)
You go have a great 24!!!!
I know I will!

[~graced~]

"Seriously, I have issues with a certain individual in my home group concerning the 12th tradition. My sponsor told me I should bring it up at the next Group Business Meeting, which is this coming Friday. There is problem with that, though. This man, though a very religious meeting attender, has just recently been kicked out of his house (not paying rent on time). How do you kick someone when they are already in dire straits? He does mean well, but he is a "busy-body" that talks too frequently before and after scheduled meetings. I am sincerely afraid that he could actually scare some newcomers off (even though most seem to appreciate what he shares During the meetings). This guy is very clever. He has his "newcomer" routine down to a science. I think he is probably in his mid-sixties, he has been bobbing in & out for many years now. I saw & heard him when I went to my first AA meeting, about 15 years ago. His message to the newcomer has not changed one iota. But he defintely has a problem with sharing about almost anything outside of the first 3 steps."
~~~~~~~

Yep, love and tolerance of others is our code. And my old fart sponsor gave me three simple criteria to meet prior to opening my mouth. "Is it necessary, KIND and true?" See, I believed I had the 'responsibility' to say truth cuz it was necessary..cuz I deemed it so, cuz I saw it as hurtful to another person or A.A. as a whole. (please note the number of times the word "I" is used in that one...)

KIND wasn't necessarily a part of my menu. Sometimes I could get two of the three and lacked the third one--and forged ahead to say it anyways...LOL "Two outta three ain't bad?" was my weak excuse to the sponsor who'd promptly whack me a good one and remind me of the criteria....and back I'd go, hat in hand to give my amends for being mean.

It was a tough thing for me to hold on to stuff and say zilch until I was certain it would meet the three criteria. Mostly, articulate as I was, I struggled with self appointed power/responsibility and since I 'got' the book smarts of A.A. and lacked the grace in which to deliver it, I got to revel in what I KNEW...... in silence. Say what's necessary, kind and true.....or sit on it until you can was his answer. (well, that's not exactly what he said, but there's an edit feature here that won't LET me say what he said.....LOL)

I'm one who had all the book learnings and no grace in which to deliver it. Remembering that 'rule' helped me develop a bit of tact....it also helped me pause long enough to check my motives around the 'necessary' part. I learned to look at the whole picture and recognize what was brought TO folks. I learned to take circumstances into account. I learned that what I said and did truly did affect people and I had the responsibility to choose wisely.

Perhaps the best solution wasn't to say what was necessary and true in a group, and it was more in the 'kind' arena to do that one on one, or maybe it wasn't even best coming from my mouth cuz I didn't have the relationship with the person that would lend to it being heard. Sometimes I don't 'get' to be the messenger cuz Joe Schmoe from Cocamo is better served to be that messenger.

Sometimes a gentle reminder to the group keeps all of us on our toes. After all, I'm responsible to take my own inventory...and sharing my experience, strength and hope sometimes is exactly what the group needs to put themselves back on target. Are ya so sure it's not a group problem? Gotta have some audience to say it TO.....leastwise I did....LOL What 'fun' was it gossiping all by myself to myself! :-)

Tough but awesome thing, that meeting after the meeting. It's where I got to do a whole lot of practice of the principles, it's where I got to start taking that 'hour' into the other 24 of the day that G-d graced me with. Tough because it lent me a whole lot of practice of those principles....awesome because that meeting after the meeting was filled with a whole lot of love and fellowship.

That 12th tradition is there for a reason. It's really good for me to be reminded that the steps kept me from killing myself and those traditions keep me from killing everyone else. LOL I was a good one to go in shooting for folks who were shooting at others.....after all, principles before personalities! And.......after the sponsor whacked me for that one he was kind enough to say "EXACTLY!"

*hugs*
Just food for thought!
And I'm caffinated and feeling rather chatty, obviously...LOL
Let us know what you decide....I'm sure you've prayed about this one a whole lot, huh?!

[knothead]

~graced~ said:

"Seriously, I have issues with a certain individual in my home group concerning the 12th tradition. My sponsor told me I should bring it up at the next Group Business Meeting, which is this coming Friday. There is problem with that, though. This man, though a very religious meeting attender, has just recently been kicked out of his house (not paying rent on time). How do you kick someone when they are already in dire straits? He does mean well, but he is a "busy-body" that talks too frequently before and after scheduled meetings. I am sincerely afraid that he could actually scare some newcomers off (even though most seem to appreciate what he shares During the meetings). This guy is very clever. He has his "newcomer" routine down to a science. I think he is probably in his mid-sixties, he has been bobbing in & out for many years now. I saw & heard him when I went to my first AA meeting, about 15 years ago. His message to the newcomer has not changed one iota. But he defintely has a problem with sharing about almost anything outside of the first 3 steps."
~~~~~~~

Yep, love and tolerance of others is our code. And my old fart sponsor gave me three simple criteria to meet prior to opening my mouth. "Is it necessary, KIND and true?"

It is most definitely true. . . . However, I doubt the world would end tomorrow if I held my tongue in check for a while (not really neccesary). And if were to go out with my present attitude at a private group meeting & say what I'm really feeling, it would come back & bite me in the old proverbial nether regions (if ya know what I mean). And may even be distarous for the group.

See, I believed I had the 'responsibility' to say truth cuz it was necessary..cuz I deemed it so, cuz I saw it as hurtful to another person or A.A. as a whole. (please note the number of times the word "I" is used in that one...)

No kidding!!! LOL!!! But I perceived MYSELF as doing MY duty by seeing to it that no one gets harmed by this individual. For the good of the group & (potentially) AA as a whole. WAT A LOAD OF CRUD!!!!!!!!!!! I ain't all that special. AA has existed all of these years w/o little ol' ME. Heck, I can't even change my own self alone. What makes me think I can change anyone else, much less an entire group???

It comes down to this: 1) It probably isn't necessary, since the group has survived the whole time I've been in & out, and 2) it wouldn't be kind in the least.

I've talked with my sponsor since & told him about this guy getting thrown out of his abode. He said that he wasn't aware of that fact, and that it probably wouldn't be such a good idea, given the circumstances & timing. Besides, he said that he was really just trying to be fatcetious, to hopefully allow me to make a better decision on my own (could be true, I dunno).

Well, now, I get it. I just hope he had plans for interrupting my ego sometime during the meeting (if not before), before I did something totally stupid.

Whatever, its all good. LOL. This 'situation' worked itself out just right, again proving to me that forces greater than myself are at work in this old recovering drunks' life as we speak (er, type?).

Thanks again for the input.

[ChrisK]

Tolerance, the longer you're sober the more tolerance you develop. Weed your own garden, you'll be too busy to worry about your neighbors.

[~graced~]

Gotta love it!

And don't ya just love how Chris said in two sentences what took me eight paragraphs? LOL

I am a wordy sot! ;D

*hugs*

[knothead]

ChrisK said:

Tolerance, the longer you're sober the more tolerance you develop. Weed your own garden, you'll be too busy to worry about your neighbors.

Thanks, so much, ChrisK!!!! That last sentence is the whole 'ball of wax' in a nutshell. Man, you speak volumes in very few words, dude.

Not to diss ~Meander~ however ("wordy" doesn't begin to actually cover ~meander~). "Wordy" is a term I have often used for Bill W. or Shakespere. ~meander~ doesn't even begin to approach those levels of "wordiness."

NA does a better job at getting "to the point" in their main text, so far as I'm concerned. Maybe its simply generational differences, who knows??? The venacular of a different age, perhaps.

Anywho, thanks again.

You guys are great!

[~graced~]

I like both texts, actually. They speak volumes!

I thought my first 'real' sponsor (cuz there was a succession of ones I picked that gave me milk and cookies and told me what I wanted to hear.....LOL) was pretty weird. Way early in sobriety he drug me to auctions. Weird places......LOL........especially to his captive audience of little ol' me who really had better plans for a Saturday than to stand with a buncha folks raising fingers at some jabbering, bearly understandable dude who would point and say 'SOLD' if you nodded wrong.....(yep.....I learned read fast to not nod and look in that dudes direction....LOL) Auctions turned out to be a pretty good sober activity for me. I didn't have a clue how to spend sober/clean weekends, ya know?

We quit going on a weekly basis--not because I ended up with some stupid, ugly looking floor lamp (TRUE!) but because the sponsor found what he was looking for. It was a dictionary from the 1930's that turned out to be pretty darn useful for me even if I didn't like the phrase "look it up!" LOL

Oh.......and 'warning warning'.......I LIKE Willie Shakespere! LOLOL

[majestyjo]

How can you say it any differently. Totally awesome.

After reading you can say two things: Amen or Ouch, or maybe both if you want to get honest.