The Topic This Week: Step Four

[caressa]

From Courage to Change - Al-Anon

When I wrote my Fourth Step inventory, I carried a notebook around with me day and night. I didn't want to leave anything out. I discovered my first defect - obsession. I was still writing fifteen minutes before I shared my Fifth Step.

As I took this Step and read my words out loud, some of my patterns became clear for the first time. My behavior paralleled that of the alcoholic. The only difference was I did it sober - insane, but sober. I saw how much I blamed other people for the events in my lofe, how I took everything personally, and how my reactions to the alcoholic were based on my fears.

I expected to feel differently the next day, but nothing much happened except that I felt very tired and a little fragile. But change had begun. As time went by, when I found myself in situations similar to those I had described in my Fourth Step, I noticed that my reactions were less extreme. Some things that had bothered me terribly no longer mattered. That's when I knew I'd begun to change.

Today's Reminder

I am learning the "nature of my nature" through the Twelve Steps. I trust that I will uncover what I need to know for now, and leave the rest for another time. I am worth learning about.

"When we take Step Five...we demonstrate a willingness to change."

...In All Our Affairs

[caressa]

A member requested this topic a few weeks ago for our meeting and they were unable to attend. I thought I would make it an open discussion and hopefully she will be able to come here and find what she needs.

I remember sharing at a NA meeting that I had done 3 Fourth Steps. I was about 4 years sober. This young guy piped up in shock, he said, "My God, you must be darn near perfect now." Far from perfect, but much more aware of what I need to change and when I do something, I recognize it as an old behavior and pattern that I have slipped into and know I need to turn it over to my Higher Power.

I have often said, "God is as He reveals Himself to me in today." The same goes for my defects of character and shortcomings if I am willing and open to be aware and change.

[~graced~]

Three and he thinks you're perfect? *laughing*

Let's not tell him that I do one every year--like clockwork.
As disciplined as I am in doing that tenth step nightly, I STILL end up with 'stuff'.
Whaddaya think....am I an alcoholic or what?! LOL YES I am. I still lie to myself, I still possess character defects and I still do that yearly 4th step. I just do. It works for me.

My first fourth step was done in solitude--captive in my own apartment cuz I'd attempted to avoid it and delay it and refused to do it. I was pretty focused on those upcoming steps when it was about getting back to folks about all these 'unkindly' things I'd done in their lives. Ummmmm.......yeahIthinkI'llpassthanksmuchly....

I was told we'd break it down into which ones when, later.
No, actually, I was tricked...LOL.....but it was probably required because I was such an avoidant creature.

I had a whole lot of resentments--darn few fears. Nowadays it's reversed--loads of fears and few resentments. (I choose to see this as growth....LOL) And it didn't kill me to do the 4th step. I wanted to throw up every time I thought about what was on the list--but it didn't kill me.
I had a smart sponsor--there was no dallying on the fifth step. 4th done, immediately do 5th! *whew*
I'm still here!
And the following steps--FREEDOM!!
No foolin'.....

I stuck with the Big Book format for the 4th step. I had a thumper for a sponsor and it worked for me. I seriously needed the structure and the repetition. Truth is, I still do--which is why I stick with what I was taught when I first hit the tables of A.A.

Is this where I admit to STILL doing procrastination on the yearly 4th? LOL

NOoooooooo....... This is where I just smile and thanks folks for letting me ramble. ;-)

[caressa]

Thank you for sharing. I too did a yearly one until I got to ten years and then I no longer wrote it out. I find that posting and sharing on the boards make me aware of what is going on with me in today.

I do have to admit to procrastinating on doing an Al-Anon inventory. I bought the book and looked at it and it is still sitting here. I got it to do with a sponsee and she chose to go back to school instead of continuing with Step work and meetings. I had a long-timer in AA tell me that it was the best 12 Step guide available. I did mine using the guide in the Big Book. I also did verbals with counselors at Family Services dealing with childhood issues and my feeling in recovery: anger, resentment, control, abandonment, rejection, etc. They had 8 week sessions, I had 2 counselors twice and four others, so I had 8 sessions in all. I also went to another counselor who made me aware of my lack of forgiveness for myself when I was 6 years sober.

Many people say you only do a 4th Step one and then do 10, 11, & 12. I am glad that you affirm my belief that it is an ongoing process. Anything that comes from my past, which affect my life in today, needs a Step 4-9 to my way of thinking. Things I forgot, things I slipped back into and things I was not aware of before, all needs to be inventories to see what is there and what needs to be changed.

Doing the Step Study here at EoR, really helped me.

[Lin]

I've written mine out about 4 times. The in between years I look at it and see how much I have grown and changed. I uded the blueprint for progress from alanon. IT's a little blue book. That worked for me. I foudn what traits I had that were strong and I could build on.I foudn the ones I needed to focus on changing. Before my 4th I thought I was a terible person and by dong the 4th step I learned I have alot of good qualities I was not even thnking about! I think fo rme an important thig I used was the fact I teach. Between 8 and 3 I coudl really practice being a better person. ONce I got home I was often a shrew. So those BAD traits had times of each day that I was not so bad. I learned to turn it on and off somehow. Example..patience. At school I have the patience of a sait when a 3rd grader can't understand long division. But let me get home and a husband has taken off work early and is drunk and being a jerk, my patience goes out the window.

4th step is a very needed step. I jstu enver saw the need to doa complete one every year. That's what worked fo rme. I jstu did a yearly checklist to see progress. Then after a few yesrs I[[d do another written one.

LIN

[BW]

We are only as sick as our secrets. I chose not to be sick today. So when stuff comes up it is important to me to put pen to paper and then call my sponosr and get that stuff out in the open.
I'm blessed to have found another sponosr here that I love dearly. She helps me to see things thru a New pair of Glasses, see my part and then guides me forward to gratitude for what is in today.

She then helps me to develop a plan on how to change whatever behavior needs changing . For me that plan is vital so that growth does happen.. In the past without a plan complacency set in and growth was stunted. Spiritual growth is extremely important to me. Otherwise I will have nothing to give away to others.

[~graced~]

Amen BW!!!!

Thank you.
It's that spiritual growth that flourishes when I'm disciplined in the steps and principles.

[caressa]

Was re-reading your post BW and thinking that my sponsor is due back next month. I sure miss her. She is such a gentle soul and always telling me to not be so hard on myself.

Whenever the road leads away from me, I know it is time to turn around and see where I went wrong. Sometimes I made a zig when I should have zagged, other times, I chose to detour because I didn't want to face the issue in the moment.

It can all add up to finding myself in no mans land and wondering where I am at! Then it is time to take a look at my life to see which direction I need to go and what I need to get there.