Taking other's inventories....

[~graced~]

Just curious..and for discussion purposes:

What do folks think about 'taking another person's inventory'?

Is it ever appropriate? Sponsor to sponsee maybe?

[little726]

Hi Graced,

Since being sober, i've tried to "live and let live." It seems whenever i say something i dislike about someone, it always comes back to bite me in the butt.

When it comes to a sponsor pointing things out to their sponsee, i think that's ok. The sponsor is just trying to help the sponsee grow.

Take care,

Robin

[Tiger]

Hi Graced,

When I sobered up those oldtimers had no qualms to taking my inventory and I have had no qualms in taking my sponsoree's inventory........as long as it's in a constructive manner. After all, when we come to this program we think we have all the answers and we don't know "dip"

The trouble comes when we try to take everyone else's inventory because they don't conform to the way we think they should.

Their not "perfect* but neither am I so I try to practice "Live and let Live".

Tiger

[lildee]

Dear Graced,

You wrote the following :-

"What do folks think about 'taking another person's inventory'?

Is it ever appropriate? Sponsor to sponsee maybe?"

Coming from across the hall..... I think you can take another person's inventory BUT (and that is a big BUT )you had better not pass judgement on it. That is not my job, I'll leave that to a Higher Power. By taking anothers inventory it can show you all the flaws that we all have and how to better yourself. Do I have those same flaws and character defects? How can I change them? By looking at anothers inventory I use it constructively to improve myself.

As far as working with a sponcee, especially a newbie, the inventory will present itself to you in due time. Then I give options for them to choose from. As I cannot change anyone but myself. I let them choose how to proceed. Just my humble opinion.

Love and God Bless
Arlene

[TxRainwater]

Good early morning everyone,
hmmmmm

"What do folks think about 'taking another person's inventory'?

Is it ever appropriate? Sponsor to sponsee maybe?"


I do take a 'peek' at what others may call their inventory, you know, how they respond/react to things or what they say or so called 'normal' things they do. When I really get irritated, I find the same character defect in myself. I try not to inform them how wrong I believe they are or whatever, though.

I have been blessed with a very gifted loving sponsor. She never has reproached me for anything I have said to her , she will just relate a 'story' to me about someone she 'heard' or knew and how they handled it, etc. All in a round about way, she gets me to see a few ways to handle what is buggin me in a different way than I usually would (that is a major part of my problem anyways, doing things the way I always did them).

Learning this live and let live thing is wonderful!
Before I came to this spiritual program and started applying to all my affairs, to the best of my ability, I tried not to judge other people but would sure tell them what I thought about how they should live their lives....lol

Just my lil ole opinion.

Love and light,
Brenda

[knothead]

~graced~ said:

Just curious..and for discussion purposes:

What do folks think about 'taking another person's inventory'?

Is it ever appropriate? Sponsor to sponsee maybe?

I think a definition of "inventory" is necessary here.

See:

education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entries/41/i0214100.html

I think the second definition is probably relevant here.

From one "average" AA member to another, I think it is wrong, almost without question. There could be exceptions, but I try not to dwell on that, personally.

From a sponser to a sponcee, I think it is vital. If a sponsor never takes any inventory of his/her sponsee, what good is the sponser actually doing??? A newbie must *necessarily* be called on his/her BS, IMHO. But it has to done in such a way that it doesn't come off as being "holier-than-thou."

My own sponsor has treated me at times with "kid gloves," and at other times as "a-rebuker-from-hell." He is a wonderful mix, and truly the best sponsor I've ever had (and I've had quite a few over the years). The thing is, this guy has never approached me (his sponsee) in any way that came off as being "high & almighty." I think that is the key.

Hope this helps in some minute way. LOL.

[dordep]

Dear (((Family))),

I take my own inventory, daily, with Step 10, and also in the evening with evening prayers.

My experience of having a sponsor in early recovery and further on in my journer, I can truly say i've been loved into sobriety. To me, there are different kinds of love. The kind of love different sponsors have given me have been different kinds of love....direct confrontation, written assignments, reading assignments, telephone calls, earning an AA medallion, watching others in meetings and their behaviors and then take my own inventory in that area, to see where i need to improve or maybe tone down a little. My experience in being a sponsor, when my sponsee needs to be told something by a sponsor, I do it in a way of a conversation, a 2-way conversation. If this conversation turns into a debate, I will drop the sponsee, as I will not allow my serenity that i have worked so hard for to be upset. In asking someone to be my sponsor...I have been accepted and refused, both of which I think is love. The sponsor was straight out with me that she was too overloaded and wouldn't have enough time for good sponsorship. I take that as a sign of love. When I am accepted as a sponsee, I take that as love too.

So, for me, all my inventory taking has been done with love, which I believe is God's will for me.

love ya all,

[MrDuck]

Excuse me dear lady. But was it not you that one time took my personal inventory? I do believe it was. And I must say you did a heck of a job of it. I think right or wrong we do it anyway in the real world. I also think that what our motive is for going so sets the stage for if it is right or wrong. If all one is doing it for is to tear someone down then to me it is wrong. If one is doing to be able to understand another person and hopefully help them then I think it is right. And the way one takes another invertory makes a difference. I remember you taking mine. And you did a wonderful job of it. But you didn't just tear me apart. You also took inventory of my good qualities as well.

Have a great day and keep smiling. Good to see you still around.

Ron

[~graced~]

Wow! It's been pretty cool reading what folks have to share.

Tiger, I hear ya...LOL I grew up in program with an oldfart sponsor who had no qualms about taking my inventory, pointing out what defects of character he saw getting in the way. And not unlike Knothead's sponsor, sometimes it was loud and in my face, sometimes it was with kid gloves. There were times I'd be prepared for my face to come off...LOL and he'd just hug me instead. The man had a way with knowing exactly what it was that I needed. I'm thinking G-d kept him well advised! I came to rely on that quality in the relationship. I still rely on it today. That's why I purpose to surround myself with people who will tell me the truth--regardless of my 'poor little fragile alcoholic feeling'!

And Mr. Duck....you're absolutely correct! I DID get invited to take your inventory and proceeded to take advantage of that opportunity.....LOL And you LIVED! (j/k) It was an awesome privilege to be invited. It still stands as one of the finer examples of how loving and loved you truly are--leastwise in this alcoholics life. (((((the duck))))))

I'm always smiling a bit when folks seem aghast that another person would 'take their inventory'. I don't know if that's because of our own humanness and the belief that because we're only 'thinking it' that none of it counts. Was a time when leaving it in my brain was a GOOD thing--"if I thought it, I had a responsibility to say it" was a baddddddd line of thinking for me! We tell folks to 'stick with the winners'.....we invite them to inventory the good qualities but we argue that taking another person's inventory is wrong. Seems to me it's all about motives and what we're actually 'doing' with that inventory. And for me, it's all about loving them regardless.

The topic for the meeting I was in was about taking other's inventories. It got quite heated, as you can well guess.
I still land on the humaness in it all.
And I still inventory what's good, what's not so good in relation to the defect of character list, in relation to the principles of the program. But what I do with that--will drive the experience for the other person. It won't determine my love for them or change my perception of them being a child of G-d, period.
LORD knows I was a handfull!
(still CAN be!)

*hugs*
Thanks for sharing, everyone!

[caressa]

This reminds me of a fellow in my home group many years ago. He kept saying to people: "You own me $5. you just took my inventory." He took exception to it and the resentment he had took him back out. He was in and out for many years. He never stayed until such a time his health deteriated which led to his leg being amputed as a result of diabetes. I haven't seen him for a while but I know he is still alive because he invited me to Facebook.

I don't mind my Al-Anon sponsor taking my inventory. We have gotten to a place were we agreed to disagree. She comes from the same dysfuncitonal background, an abusive marriage. She is not an alcoholic. She does drink, but that is okay. I can identify with her even though she is an Earthling.

My best friend who I met in the recovery house took my inventory when I told her that I didn't need to do one now that I quit drinking. She proceeded to take it for me. I came home and added six more items to the list then had to look for the positive to balance it out.

If it makes someone happy by doing it, that is okay. I will check it out with my Higher Power and come to my own knowingness.

[Ron]

I just reread this post. For a couple of years Morey and I use to joke about taking the others inventory. One day I said, "Yea know you have always wanted to take my inventory so go for it." She did. And I must say she did one heck of a job of it. Still stay in contact with the lady. Thinking it was about 3 years ago that my wife and I went to Iowa for Morey's 30 AA birthday.

I enjoy going back and rereading some of the old post.

Have a great day and keep smiling,

Ron

[caressa]

Me too. That is how I found this one. Sometimes you just need to hear something that you know but have forgotten in the moment. The next time you are talking to Morey, tell her I said hello!

[majestyjo]

It is best if I take my own. I was told that the program is one of reflection. What I see in others, is reflected by something in me. It takes one to know one.

[majestyjo]

Words can be said, but a lot depends on how they are said Are they meant to help or hurt.

I don't mind criticism I will listen but not always agree. The slogan Live and Let Live, is a powerful help mate in recovery. Most addicts can't be told, they have to find out for themselves.