Post by caressa on Apr 9, 2011 14:50:14 GMT -5
Have heard the words from my son, "You wouldn't understand mom." He is an adult child of an alcoholic mother. He was brought up in the home with a step-father who had a drinking problem and a grandfather who died from his disease.
How many times I thought I was different. I didn't fit in. It was like I had two heads, two left feet, and figured everyone was looking at me, and I felt like it was a confrontation and wondered if I had a 'zit' or something else wrong with me. Do I have a button undone, is my hair messy, does this blouse match this skirt, always with the self doubt.
Insecurities, feeling less than, not measuring up, figured everyone was talking about me, and not realizing that I didn't stick out except in my own mind or by my actions in which I shut down and put up barriers that wouldn't let people in.
If you really knew me, you wouldn't love me. I don't think like otherr people do. Often not realizing that it is a disease of perception, and why should my thinking align with someone who is an alcoholic/addict. Why am I trying? How can I know if my thinking is normal (cycle on a washing machine) or not if I don't communicate with others. Shutting down with fear of appearing stupid, silly idiot that my parents and my husband(s) told me I was. Why am I believing them? No matter how many times people told me I was attractive, I didn't believe. My husband ran around on me. That had to mean I was not a good wife, person, lover, mother, etc. and I was ugly and unattractive. How could you know how I felt? I am different don't you know?
How many times I thought I was different. I didn't fit in. It was like I had two heads, two left feet, and figured everyone was looking at me, and I felt like it was a confrontation and wondered if I had a 'zit' or something else wrong with me. Do I have a button undone, is my hair messy, does this blouse match this skirt, always with the self doubt.
Insecurities, feeling less than, not measuring up, figured everyone was talking about me, and not realizing that I didn't stick out except in my own mind or by my actions in which I shut down and put up barriers that wouldn't let people in.
If you really knew me, you wouldn't love me. I don't think like otherr people do. Often not realizing that it is a disease of perception, and why should my thinking align with someone who is an alcoholic/addict. Why am I trying? How can I know if my thinking is normal (cycle on a washing machine) or not if I don't communicate with others. Shutting down with fear of appearing stupid, silly idiot that my parents and my husband(s) told me I was. Why am I believing them? No matter how many times people told me I was attractive, I didn't believe. My husband ran around on me. That had to mean I was not a good wife, person, lover, mother, etc. and I was ugly and unattractive. How could you know how I felt? I am different don't you know?
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.