Honesty

[caressa]

Today's thought is:

Honesty is the best policy.
--David Tuvill

Newcomer

I've heard people talk about firing their sponsors, about sponsors firing their sponsees. I find that term disillusioning. I thought we were here to help one another.

Sponsor

Human relationships change, for all sorts of reasons, and there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that reality. Sponsors, like sponsees, are just people in recovery, growing and working the Steps; we don't always handle things perfectly. One sponsor may take on more than he or she is really prepared to handle; with phone calls coming day and night from an overload of sponsees, frequency or quality of communication may be inadequate. Another sponsor may enjoy being bossy and have trouble recognizing the difference between passing on program experience and trying to impose his or her will in areas where personal choice is appropriate. A sponsor may discover that a sponsee lacks the desire for recovery or has significant problems in an area in which the sponsor has no experience.

When differences are resolved by talking and listening, relationships grow and deepen. Are we avoiding necessary confrontation with ourselves or others? Or does growth, this time, mean that it's appropriate to separate? Honesty, courage, and love are qualities that help us make transitions in our relationships.

Today, my willingness to grow enhances my relationships with others.

You are reading from the book:

If You Want What We Have by Joan Larkin

This reminds me of my responsibility to my sponsor as well as sponsees. I don't go chasing sponsees, an odd phone call once in a while, after that, it is up to them.

[~graced~]

I dunno that I've ever 'fired' a pigeon. Though, I have been 'fired' a time or two as a sponsor. I'm pretty certain it was something personal--but nothing I needed to personalize. Things happen as they did for a reason. I simply try to trust the process being for the good.

And your comment reminded me of a few years back when I went to the home of a pigeon with a couple old farts from the program and got into the home via a purse through the window. It's nothing I'd advise anyone to do just randomly decide to do--I was clear it was about the person's safety and wellbeing. The ambulance was called, CPR was done..and today we have a 4 year old sober person as a direct result of that 'intuitive knowing' that something was amuck.

Will I 'chase' after a pigeon. Yep, for some I will. More than once someone chased after me cuz they cared enough to get in my way.

[caressa]

Perhaps my remark was misleading. There have been many sponsees, who have often wished that I didn't think to pick up the phone and call. If I don't hear from a sponsee, it generally means they don't want to see me. I had one fellow who I knew since he walked into the program. He suffered from major depression, and he said I was the only one who wouldn't let him stay in isolation. He would get his messages and would find several cheerful messages.

One fellow relapsed, I went into the restaurant to look for someone. He said, "Why did it have to be you?" Why couldn't it have been any of the others?" You are the last person I want to see. One sponsee I called three times and left a message. There has been no call back, so it is time to let go. I have sponsored a girl for ten years. She is just now coming up on nine months sober. She let me go as her sponsor two months ago. I still here from her occasionally. Today she is caught up in her own busy. Part of her busy is my ex-boyfriend and his sponsee who I have known for nine years, it became a conflict of interest, and I could no longer be in the middle. She was no longer sharing her whole truth with me and I had no desire to be in the same space as my ex-boyfriend, who I had been seeing for 18 months.

I had a sponsor fire me when I came into the program. She later told me that I was too sick and she wasn't well enough herself to give me the attention I needed.

Another sponsor fired me because I lived in the east end and she lived in the west end and she didn't see enough of me.

What I was referring to was my own sponsor. She has gone AWOL. The last time I talked to her, it was like talking to a wall. I hadn't talked to her for a while, I had left messages and she hadn't returned them. She has her health issues and that is okay.

[~graced~]

Wow--the stories sound familiar, Caressa. Ya know, I've had numerous experiences of G-d's lovely timing and the groaning of folks who wished it would be anyone BUT me crossing their paths. LOL I'd like to believe G-d's timing, grace and sense of humour has a huge part in it all. Some of my best moments weren't those I went chasing after, but ones that came unaware that I was even entering into when I opened the door. Sounds like there's similarities in our experiences.

And I'm sorry to hear about the sponsor situation. There are times Tom wonders just WHO is sponsoring whom. But I'M real clear! LOL

I'm always amazed that G-d seems to keep Tom one step ahead of me, getting to go through experiences JUST before I stumble into something similar. Those rare occasions when it's me stumbling there FIRST give me great joy and a bit of bragging rights...LOL

Might be time for an additional sponsor or a different one, eh?

[caressa]

Thanks for sharing. I have a good friend from NA, who I have asked to be my sponsor many times and she keeps saying no. When she looked for a sponsor, she went to a woman in her fellowship, yet the two of us share a lot. She says, 'I don't want to spoil our friendship by becoming your sponsor." She has 19 years in recovery.

Having gone to AA, Al-Anon, and NA for 13 years and CA for 18 months, I have met many messengers along the way. One of my favorite phrases is: "That's not odd, that's God."