Guidance

[caressa]

Today, I will not make myself crazy by repeatedly trying solutions that have proven themselves unsuccessful. If something isn't working, I will step back and wait for guidance.

Melody Beattie

I think everyone can identify with this statement. I tried and tried my way for years. My best thinking got me to the doors of recovery. Why should I continue to do the same thing over and over again, and expect different results.

Today, I try to listen for that guidance. Little things along the way on each day's journey, affirms my God is with me. Like getting my two special note pads on sale for $1. in a store I seldom go by and never go in. Today finding pineapple, peeled and cored in a store that is more economically friendly than where I normally get it.

Having thoughts of my friend and having her call me. Having thoughts of my other friend and me calling her. I saw a Hello Kitty Doll today and asked the price and was told it was $8.99. I thought not worth it. Found out it was $2. cheaper, but didn't buy it although I was tempted. I kept thinking of the new microwave I am trying to save up for.

Across the top of my monitor is a bear, a frog, a pink pig, and a reindeer. I didn't have room for her anyway and she was white, and I envisioned her to be a good dust magnet. I thought, in the past, it would have been thought, react. It would have been bought, because I wanted it and to heck with anything else.

I have had to change the thinking, I had to still my mind, and in that stillness, say the Serenity Prayer, ask for the guidance and in the quiet, listen for the answer. The guidance is there. Sometimes it is subtle, other times it feels like a cast iron frying pan. Today I wanted to buy flowers. It was only $3.99 for a bouquet. I was wanting to ignore the fact that they were fresh flower and if I had brought them home, I would have ended up with a sinus headache, be all stuffed up and would have to use my inhaler, and my eyes would water and I wouldn't be able to read. Acceptance is the key. I can look but can't touch. I need to play the tape to the end.

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[caressa]

Came to a new awareness, that voice inside isn't always my Higher Power, quite often it can be my disease that is talking.

When I see what people do, act, don't do, or say, and my mind still says or thinks, "Your a$$ is sucking air." I know that I am still in my disease. I know that it is anger, resentment, or a lack of me working part of my program. There are a few choice words in my mind lately, and I came to realize it was my resentment and anger, along with some suppressed feelings and not vocalizing what I really wanted to say. They use to be a lot worse, but that doesn't make them right. It isn't who I want to be in today.

My God wants me to be loving, caring and forgiving, so one day at a time, I will listen to His Guidance and ask for the healing of my own thoughts.

[schell08]

Hi Caressa! I just read these two last posts from you and saw myself in some of what you presented. I really liked that "came to awareness that its not always my HP talking (that inner voice) but rather my disease...hearing you say that brought me to some incidences I have been experiencing in both AA and OA...First, in going to AA meetings and even speaking with others in the program, last Sunday I was at one of my regular meetings, I was still recovering from a bad cold so sat in the back...I brought up the topic on spirituality as it has been bothering me that I have ceased meditating period. I started feeling disconnected from my HP..and have not had that peace inside...an unusal thing happened at that meeting...I noticed afterwards, that I actually LISTENED to others speak...in other words I was totally connected without that internal chatter that my disease likes...being connected to each speaker at that meeting was an amazing experience for me...I looked at each person who spoke..I listened to their shares completely...in doing this I found I was outside of myself...I was learning, I was taking the spirituality of the shares in ...listening to my disease as opposed to listening to that inner guidance (which is peace) awakened me. I realized I may have been present in body at my meetings over the past couple months, but not there in a way...big difference...today I pray to listen, not talk over others, it has been working...the compulsion to talk over others rather than listen comes on strong....Also , in my OA program I am becoming more aware of if its the disease talking, wanting me to revert to an old behavior..which could destroy abstinence in a second...I read this in Voices of Recovery a while back "the answer to life cannot be found in the refrigerator, cabinet, (or the bottom of a bottle) It is a true blessing of recovery to be aware of the voice of the disease and the voice of recovery, and using the tools. Thank you for letting me share, Peace, Schell

[caressa]

Thank you for sharing. Hope all is well in your world. Our disease show up in different forms and often comes out in disguise. Thankfully it doesn`t take so long to recognize it, unless I am in total denial. i.e. My eating half a pan of brownies. Did I ever tell you that I like Garfield. He is the perfect example of a food addict.