Masks

[caressa]

The reading yesterday was a real remember when. It gave me pause for thought and I wondered if perhaps I was back wearing them.

I realized that in a way I had been, more about masking my emotions than hiding behinds a mask. I have been going through a grieving process in regard to my son. Each step of his journey, and as it changes, I seem to be doing more grieving, as he loses himself, I feel the loss personally. Mainly because, I have been there and done it.

Role playing, masks, walls, defense mechanisms of all kinds always seemed to be necessary to hide me from you. I was sure you wouldn't like me and I was always looking for that security, acceptance, validation and love.

I am so grateful that I don't have to go there these days. The only one I have any problem with is security and that is of my own making.

What you see on this board is me. The only mask is the name, it is not mine. It was the name I drew from an angel card deck. It said, "I share because I care." As a result, that was the name I singed on with and kept.

I use to use the name butterfly long ago at AEB and then it was changed to firefly, because another butterfly came along. It was all a transformaton, because it was back then that I was on this inner journey to find myself and to bring those things hiding in the dark out to the service and into the light.

eor.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=spuds&action=display&thread=11566

[BW]

To thine own self be true

[majestyjo]

The Masks Have To Go

"... we covered low self-esteem by hiding behind phony images that we hoped would fool people. The masks have to go"

Basic Text, p.32

Over-sensitivity, insecurity, and lack of identity are often associated with active addiction. Many of us carry these with us into recovery; our fears of inadequacy, rejection, and lack of direction do not disappear overnight. Many of us have images, false personalities we have constructed either to protect ourselves or please others. Some of us use masks because we're not sure who we really are. Sometimes we think that these images, built to protect us while using, might also protect us in recovery.

We use false fronts to hide our true personality, to disguise our lack of self-esteem. These masks hide us from others and also from our own true selves. By living a lie, we are saying that we cannot live with the truth about ourselves. The more we hide our real selves, the more we damage our self-esteem.

One of the miracles of recovery is the recognition of ourselves, complete with assets and liabilities. Self esteem begins with this recognition. Despite our fear of becoming vulnerable, we need to be willing to let go of our disguises. We need to be free of our masks and free to trust ourselves.

Just for today: I will let go of my masks and allow my self esteem to grow.

pg. 214

Today, I am myself, just not too up on the Majesty part. My ex-bosses son once called me "Her Majesty," so I took the name as a joke in a way, but it also reminds me that my disease is Self and I need to work on my isms every day. The program doesn't work if it is about I, Self, and Me.