Detachment

[caressa]

The "Language of Letting Go" reading, I realized that I wasn't so much detaching, as just blocking out. Not sure if I was pretending is wasn't thre, just not wanting to see it and acknowledge the person as well as the feeling around that person.

My son had a phone that I could call him on but he couldn't call out. I didn't call very often, mostly because every time I did, he asked for money. If I just called to say hello and say I love you, then I felt like I should be giving him the money.

Yesterday I called and got a voice message that the number was not valid.

Today, I went to Facebook and there was a chat message that just said, "Mother" and nothing else.

There is a part of me that is glad that I can't see him in this stage of his addiction. He says he is not smoking crack so that is good. I hope he will find a way to recover that works for him. I gave him links to Smart Recovery and Justified Recovery. Had a bit of trouble with the latter as justification was and can still be, one of my biggest defects of character.

One day at a time, it does get better. One day at a time, we get through this. One day at a time, I turn my life and my will over to my Higher Power.

[BW]

Detachment is never easy. It feels like I am cutting the person out of my life. However, what has helped me is to know that detachment takes love. Love of both self and of the other person.

"I love you enough to not do this dance anymore"
"I love you enough to set you free"
I love me enough to set you free."

It is still hard and yes it hurts. And it is an act of love.

[Lin]

I find it easier to detach from the actions of another person than the actual person.

One reminder I give myself..jsut because another person says something does nto make it true. And jsut because another person DOES something, does nto mean I have to approve it or even like it to accept it. That makes it easier to detach.

LIN

[caressa]

Thanks for sharing ladies. It is always about the act not the person, but sometimes other people don't always see that. Had an incident with my sister today. She didn't even give me an option to agree to disagree.

When you are caught up in it, you can't always see it. She is the belief that if you don't stop your addictive behavior and did it with your kids in your home, you did not love your children. That is just not so. One you can't identify your love by your kids. If you can't find it within yourself, you can't do it for others. You can detach from the act, but you can't always detach from the person.

[majestyjo]

Just got off the phone with my son earlier. He was very angry and told me not to talk to him because he was in a very bad mood. He had his cheque spent and it didn't arrive. He is so into Self, and I try to suggest that perhaps the job he wants so bad, just might not be good for him and he isn't meant to get it but to wait on one that would be better suited. All he can think of is the $16. an hour he will get to start. No thought that some of the work will be out of time and how often he missed work when it was in town.

He helps me out and yet he does it for the most part because he is bored and nothing to do because he is out of work. He also says, "Well I did this and that and it should be good for coffee money or a six pack of beer and maybe a carton of cigarettes.

Because he didn't get his cheque, so instead of putting a deposit which I gave him on shoes for work, he is spending it on drugs and alcohol. It seems like I will never learn. His cheque should be there tomorrow, so I will see how much of the money I will get back, if any. I know it is his disease. That didn't stop me from hurting and asking myself, "Why were you such a sucker and fell for another one of his stories?"

[majestyjo]

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Detaching in Relationships

When we first become exposed to the concept of detachment, many of us find it objectionable and questionable. We may think that detaching means we don't care. We may believe that by controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen, we're showing how much we care.

We may believe that controlling, worrying, and forcing will somehow affect the outcome we desire. Controlling, worrying, and forcing don't work. Even when we're right, controlling doesn't work. In some cases, controlling may prevent the outcome we want from happening.

As we practice the principle of detachment with the people in our life, we slowly begin to learn the truth. Detaching, preferably detaching with love, is a relationship behavior that works.

We learn something else too. Detachment - letting go of our need to control people - enhances all our relationships. It opens the door to the best possible outcome. It reduces our frustration level, and frees us and others to live in peace and harmony.

Detachment means we care, about others and ourselves. It frees us to make the best possible decisions. It enables us to set the boundaries we need to set with people. It allows us to have our feelings, to stop reacting and initiate a positive course of action. It encourages others to do the same.

It allows our Higher Power to step in and work.

Today, I will trust the process of detaching with love. I will understand that I am not just letting go; I am letting go and letting God. I'm loving others, but I'm loving myself too.

It is the last line that is important.  I love others, but I love myself too.

When I detach, it isn't with love, it is because I do love.  If I affix too many emotions to it, they can break down and leave strings and things become conditional, and we need to let go and leave everything in our God's Hands.