Topic of the Week: Expectations

[caressa]

Expectations have been one of my biggest blocks to recovery. I expect myself to live up to my expectations. What makes it really difficult is that my expectations are very high.

My high expectations make them often unattainable and therefore, I feel less than. I didn't measure up wow I am a failure.

The worst part is that often project those same expectations onto others who are not capable of meeting them, even if they were attainable.

I have tried lowering them, yet even then, especially with Fibro fog, I can't see the bar let alone reach it.

I have to learn to accept my limitations.

As it says in the BB page 452 in Third Edition which is what I have, in the Doctor's Opinion:

I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance. When I remember this, I can see I've never had it so good. Thank God for A.A.!

I was going to post this in the Chip of the Day. When I went to post it there, the words didn't come. So glad I decided to put it here.

So much of my life has been about put downs, rejection, and abuse (emotional, physical, and mental). I was trying to measure up looking for that acceptance than I couldn't find within myself. I was always made to feel not good enough. I didn't know mo one can make me feel anything.

I didn't know I could change it and not take on other people's stuff. I didn't know that I didn't have to expect anything of myself, other than what i could do in today. No matter what that was, it was good enough as long as I tried.

I didn't have to meet other peoples expectations. I didn't have to take on things that were not mine. All I had to do was try to be the best me I could be in today, nothing more, nothing less. I found out in recovery, if it didn't get done, perhaps it wasn't suppose to be done. I was asked, "Did you ever think that God just might have had different plans?"

[Lin]

I have heard that an expectation is a planned resentment. If I set my expectations of myself or of others too high, I am only setting myself up fior failure and a resentment.

TOday I have not eliminated my expectasion of myself or others, but have certainly lowered them! If I expect my brother to be po,ite and not rude, I am setting myself up. He's always rude. So I jsut expect that I will be able to loverlook his rudeness and enjoy whatever occasion we happen to be sharing.

LIN

[BW]

I know what you mean LIn...I find it hard to eliminate expectations altogether tho I sure do try.
I find myself getting hope and expectations mixed up in my head

What I do know is that nomatter how hard I try I cannot meet others expectations..and if that is the case and I am not terminally unique then it follows that others canot live up to my expectations

I also know that when I do put my expectations out on that shingle I have set myself up fro gross disappointment and those disappointments always lead to resentments.

The example you gave Lin of your brother being rude...that is one that I constantly struggle with.
That and people putting their finger in my chest making accusations or assumptions without facts. Acceptance is the answer, I know...And it is also just as important to set healthy boundaries of what we can or will not tolerate or accept into our lives. Yet that is not always easy either especially wqhere family is concerned.

[caressa]

Thanks for the shares ladies. Good Stuff. I think it is so important to realize our limitations and give ourselves so slack. For so many years, we were brought up with old tapes that can still play. We can make new ones but if you are like me, you hit the wrong button, and forget to play them.

Those old sayings like "The Devils makes work for idle hands." In my case, it was "Thou shall not anything!" I did just about it all: smoke, drink, dance, go to shows and the theater, play cards, commit adultery (what is good for the goose is good for the gander attitude), Stole time which is money and stole affections looking for attention), and the list could go on and on. It was such a blessing to know that I didn't have to put high expectations on myself and all I had to do was try to be the best me I could be. I had to realize, I was not my disease. What I did under the influence, I was responsible because I chose to drink, yet it wasn't the real me talking, it was my disease in acetone.

I can't expect to heal and get better overnight. This is not a quick fix program. Neither can I fix the As in my life, it is not my job and I can't take the blame like I did growing up. I was told it was all my fault. It was expected of me to make it all better. It was expected of me to make it all go away. It was expected of me to fit the mold and do what I was told and I just didn't fit.

Acceptance is the keys. Boundaries are necessary. Care for yourself, you are worthwhile.

[caressa]

Trying not to put too many expectations on myself and others these days. I realized that I was trying to make people understand where I was coming from and realized that I don't have to explain myself and my reason for being and the choices I make. I found myself back in an old pattern and behavior because I felt as though I didn't live up to my own expectations.

Then I found myself at the opposite end of the spectrum and that isn't any good either. I found I had absolutely no expectations of myself or others, which lead to lack of trust and not much faith in myself, and as a sponsor said long ago, if you don't trust yourself, you are not trusting God. That is not a very nice place to be in, so was quick to turn it over.

Had hopes of making some morning meetings, but not sure how that will affect my working on Mondays and Thursdays. I have two appointments on Tuesday, my Al-Anon meeting is at noon on Wednesday (I haven't been there for several weeks), I never went anywhere on Friday because I didn't want to use up any energy I needed to go to bridge, not thinking that I just might find some.

I am trying not to put any expectations on my doctor. I do see him on Tuesday and this time he wants to talk to me because of the fax the pharmacy sent to him. I see the occupational therapist on Tuesday morning, so people are working for me. I realized that God was working in my life, often inspite of myself and I needed to put some gratitude into my attitude. The best thing I did was to listen to my body and take myself to the hospital.

So the only expectation I am putting onto myself, is to continue to pray, meditate, listen for the answers, trust them when they come and act accordingly. Figure I can't do better than that. When I need them, God puts people in my path, be it at a message board, on FB, msn messenger, at the mall, the phone, at work, in my building or just taking a walk in the great outdoors, they are there and for each one who is a part of my journey, I am grateful.

I did expect spell check to work, but that is twice it didn't, so hope there are not too many mistakes.

[majestyjo]

Have so much more serenity when my expectations are in short supply.

If I have too many expectations, then I am not very accepting of people, places, and things in my life.