Post by caressa on Aug 23, 2011 17:20:19 GMT -5
When I was using and when I fall back into old patterns and habits in today, my decision making is generally around three things, me, myself, and I.
It was always about my drug of choice and what I want and not about what other people wanted. I was the big I am and it was my way or the highway. There were no options, no comproise, no discussion, no avenues other than the direction I wanted and the way I wanted it, which was now, yesterday if possible.
When I learned to do all the things I hadn't been doing to process things and live in today, without using people, places, and things, then I could open my mind and my heart and include others and look at what was good for the whole and it was no just about me. Just for today, that is all I have. I learned to deliberate. If I didn't know, then I leaned to accept it without covering it up with a lot of bluster, promises, conftontation, and threats.
As my spiritual advisor said to me, "If you don't know then the time is not right. If the time was right, then you would know. If you ask that the knowingness be given onto you, then it will be there." I have come to believe in this and found it true in my life. It helped me to not beat myself up by meeting unattainable goals and timelines.
So much of my life was should I, shouldn't I. I ended up shoulding all over the place. Then I would rationalize and say, If I did this, and try to figure it out instead of leaving it in God's hands. I would think, "I could do this and this, and again trying to play 'God' with my life instead of letting go and letting my God lead, guide and direct me."
Just for today, my life is in His/Her Hands. I have been in too much pain. Something has to change, and I know it will. My doctor never called back, so call or no call, I have quit the medicaiton. Nothing further can be said to change my mind or make me think I made the wrong decision, even though the pharmacist yesterday told me I should come off it gradually. I haven't wanted to take this medication for a long time. I kept listening to my doctor instead of myself. No more, I need to do what is good for me. I should have researched it further and things wouldn't have gotten this to this stage. When it started affecting my eyes, enough was enough. I already had an enlarged kidney before the present damage was done. Not waiting for it to affect my heart too. I don't see the internist from the hospital until Sept. 3. I have no desire to wait that long.
It was always about my drug of choice and what I want and not about what other people wanted. I was the big I am and it was my way or the highway. There were no options, no comproise, no discussion, no avenues other than the direction I wanted and the way I wanted it, which was now, yesterday if possible.
When I learned to do all the things I hadn't been doing to process things and live in today, without using people, places, and things, then I could open my mind and my heart and include others and look at what was good for the whole and it was no just about me. Just for today, that is all I have. I learned to deliberate. If I didn't know, then I leaned to accept it without covering it up with a lot of bluster, promises, conftontation, and threats.
As my spiritual advisor said to me, "If you don't know then the time is not right. If the time was right, then you would know. If you ask that the knowingness be given onto you, then it will be there." I have come to believe in this and found it true in my life. It helped me to not beat myself up by meeting unattainable goals and timelines.
So much of my life was should I, shouldn't I. I ended up shoulding all over the place. Then I would rationalize and say, If I did this, and try to figure it out instead of leaving it in God's hands. I would think, "I could do this and this, and again trying to play 'God' with my life instead of letting go and letting my God lead, guide and direct me."
Just for today, my life is in His/Her Hands. I have been in too much pain. Something has to change, and I know it will. My doctor never called back, so call or no call, I have quit the medicaiton. Nothing further can be said to change my mind or make me think I made the wrong decision, even though the pharmacist yesterday told me I should come off it gradually. I haven't wanted to take this medication for a long time. I kept listening to my doctor instead of myself. No more, I need to do what is good for me. I should have researched it further and things wouldn't have gotten this to this stage. When it started affecting my eyes, enough was enough. I already had an enlarged kidney before the present damage was done. Not waiting for it to affect my heart too. I don't see the internist from the hospital until Sept. 3. I have no desire to wait that long.
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.