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Post by SunnyGirl on Jan 20, 2012 15:16:38 GMT -5
"If no one is around to see, hear, or feel your happiness, does it exist? Does happiness need a witness? Someone to validate it? Someone to share in it to make it real? -unknown
Self-Worth and approval seeking go hand in hand, why do we depend on others to validate our feelings of worth? It's been my observation that ACOA's suffer from this as much or more than the other 12-step groups.
When I do things in order to look better in the eyes of others or I fish for compliments, this is approval seeking or asking for validation of my feelings and accomplishments. The need to feel like we are doing things right, the need to feel accepted or approval in the eyes of others. I've come to the point in my life where I do the best I can and if others don't approve it's on them not me....
The problem with validation seeking is that you are constantly looking to others as a source for your good emotions and self- esteem. Why I ever thought I needed other people's opinions to validate my feelings is a mystery. I may ask Honey how I look, but I'm only looking for feedback. I'm not going to change my dress or hair style because he prefers another.... but if he tells me the hem is coming out of that dress, I will appreciate his validation.
Today I just want to be me.... I'm not perfect, but those I love treat me with love and respect and it's their opinions that matter. "What other's think of me is none of my business"! Some validation makes us feel good and to some extent we probably need it, I think it is a huge mistake to hang our happiness on it.
Anyone have any thoughts on "Approval Seeking", "Self-Worth", or "Validation".... please share your thoughts.
Peace on the journey, SG
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Post by SunnyGirl on Jan 21, 2012 15:40:40 GMT -5
Have been reading about this subject for several days now and I made a statement above, saying ACOA's are most noted for "approval seeking". I can now say that from what I've read, codependents are also trouble by this as well. I can't speak for the the groups on the other side of hall as I do not qualify.
I know that when I came into the rooms I was playing the role of a martyr well enough to earn an Oscar. I was the good Mom, trying only to fix her broken children, and felt like I needed recognition for my actions. I wanted to be Mother of the Year for all I had sacrificed and given. When I would finally take a stand, I felt guilty and would usually give in.... Setting boundaries in the beginning were a joke! I draw my line in the sand and when others would encroach I'd push the line back.
I will say that once I truly began to put the 12 steps to work in my life, I no longer felt the need to have the approval of others. As I've grown in recovery I've learned a new sense of assertiveness, I've learned to ask for what I need.
Peace on the journey, SG
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Post by BW on Jan 21, 2012 16:22:50 GMT -5
Great topic...I don't know if us aklies and addicts suffer as much or more than any others..That is not for me to judge..I just know we do or did suffer from it...that is often hy we drank and used..For me..the negative attention was sometimes better than no attention.
At one time I couldn't say it was validation or approval I was seeking as much as it was just plain attention...I was so sick and tired of being knocked into a corner and being told "Shut up or I'll give you something to cry about"...I didn't want to be kissing the darn wall any more. I wanted to be heard.. I wanted to be listened to. At some point I went from needing attention to desperatly seeking approval.. I had no idea because I was never taught that I already had the approval within me. I never knew that happiness was an inside job. I never was told that it was God alone that was the ultimate judge and was all that mattered in terms of who I needed to please and seek approval from.
It was not until I came into the rooms of recovery and found that I was already forgiven and all I needed to do was surrender that I finally learned that approval seeking was in fact a waste of my time and energy. Allowing others to judge me was giving them power over me while robbing me of my own joy. Surrender to win took on a whole new meaning when I realized I could empower myself by setting healthy boundaries and allowing God to guide and direct my life.
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Post by Lin on Jan 26, 2012 18:32:32 GMT -5
I know the approval seeking for me was because i was aqn ACOA. My parents were not generous with support, encouragement or compliments,. If I made all A's on a report card and one B they woudl ask me what happened in the other class...not say a word abotu how hard I had worked to get the A's. They never told me they were proud of me and so I looked for ways to seek approval.
As an adult I am very competitive ...like at work. If my meeting had 50 members and the other leader had 60 one week I was angry. it was unacceptable to me. I worked very hard on product sales so the company would give me awards for that. I got 6 in 3 years. they only give 3 each year, so that was half of them in our territory. But for me it was not enough.
I finally figured out that my happiness needs to come from within. I dont need to wait for compliments from tohers. I decided to find my talent abnd develop it. My talent was painting on wood and on shirts. I made tons and tons of them over a few years time. I got lots of praise and compliments from others and I had something to show for my talent. It felt good to know I really CAn make something that is nice and others will appreciate it. Last year I gave away all of my paints. Today I dont need to make shirts to kow I am a good person and worthwhile.
Thanks for the post SG!
LIN
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Post by SunnyGirl on Jan 29, 2012 16:01:29 GMT -5
I remember my older son coming home in high school with 5-A's and 1-B..... I did give him a high five for the A's, but also stressed that he should work just a little harder and bring home all A's next time around. I know he felt a little miffed about my lack of enthusiasm, but I also knew he didn't have to work all that hard to achieve the A's and with a little more effort he'd have all A's.... Will have to ask him about it as he now has a son who is a gifted student.... wonder how he will handle it with his own son? I meant only to inspire and encourage him.....
Thank you both for your replies, it was a great meeting topic and the follow up was wonderful....
Hugs, SG
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Post by caressa on Feb 18, 2012 4:00:01 GMT -5
Self-Worth is something I never had. It was one of the reasons I used people, places and things, to make me feel better. I used people in my life to validate me, to affirm my worth, and I thought if I pleased them, they would like even if they couldn't love me, because I thought I was unloveable. I used places, like the Legion, to affirm my worth because I got active in different committees, wanting to be a part of the 'in' crowd. I used my bed to hide from the world because of shame, anger and guilt. I used things, that I felt would make me feel better. Alcohol helped me to live in a world of illusion. Pills helped me to hide and not see reality. Food helped me to stuff my feelings along with cigarettes, the worst offender of all. Today a guy asked me if I had a cigarette. I said no, I quit 13 years ago. He said, "Oh a filthy habit eh?" I said, "Maybe, but if I could be smoking and smoke safely, I would be smoking in today. For me to smoke is to die." I also used work and later in recovery, I got busy doing service and helping other, which I came to realize, allowed me to still look at others instead of my own issues. Many times, when I had to stop and address something, my God made sure I got stopped and had time. I was told that anything that I put before myself, and between me and my God, was the 'god' of my life. I never thought I was good enough, I needed that something more. In today, my God, is more than enough. He meets my needs. A woman in early recovery who took me to my first meeting said, "God doesn't make no Junk." Her words kept me coming back. I was no longer alone and I was loved. Attachments:
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Post by caressa222 on Feb 22, 2020 19:27:59 GMT -5
Don't take other people's projections. My self worth isn't based on other people's opinion.
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Post by caressa222 on Mar 14, 2021 3:41:50 GMT -5
A good topic. so grateful to the program.
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