Topic for the week: "Hands off the Addict"

[SunnyGirl]

I came into Nar-Anon believing I had to mico-manage
the lives of my "qualifiers". I had made their lives so comfortable
why should they want to change? I cooked for them,
washed their laundry, gave them money when they spent
theirs on drugs (the rent had to be paid).......
In other words, I had no faith that they could survive without
me.

My daughter has been clean for over 3 years now and
I still find myself questioning her about her recovery. I
still believe that there just may be one thing I can do that
will make her recovery last forever. As much as I want to
believe that this is the time, I have no assurance she will
never slip. I have to prepare myself, for the possibility
that she could stumble. I pray this will never happen,
but it is not in my hands, it is between her and God.

Keeping my "hands off the addict" is really allowing myself
to detach with love. When I quiz her about her recovery,
when I snoop around looking for those tell-tale-signs,
I am not taking care of my own business. It's not easy
to let go and allow them to make that fall, but it's just
not within our power, to prevent it. Thy will, not my will
be done....... It is my goal to continue to work on my own
recovery, one day at a time. Going to meetings, using the
slogans, working the steps and applying them to my daily
life, all help me to keep the focus on myself and off the addict.

Please share your thoughts on "hands off the addict"....

[usdupn02]

I feel like I am doing a much better job of not "snooping" to see what my "addict" is doing. The recovery/use is seldom if ever brought up. The other day, I noticed that she had gone back to wearing her NA charm, but I didn't say anything. I can only hope that it was a good sign..at least for that day.

Where I have problems detaching is with the other medical problems. As many of you experience with your qualifiers, there are often other legitimate medical problems that have to be dealt with. I have a very difficult time determining between when help is truly needed and when I am just sticking my nose in too much. I tell the other person to ask if they need help but then my impatience gets in the way and I just jump in. Very tough balancing act that will take a whole lot more work!!

Janet

[Lin]

OUCH! I have a slight problem with this area also. But I dont do it whnere he knows about it. WHen I suspect he may be over indulging in his prescription meds, I sometimes count them and note the date they wre filled and see if he's taken more than he should have. But I rationalize. (Don't we always do that???to make excuses for our inappropriate behavior?) I rationalize that IF he has another stroke, or IF he passes out or has an accident and the doctors ask me what he may have taken I wont have to say I have no idea. I dont count all of them...jsut the 10 MG valium. Those seem to be the favorites lately. He takes about 8 differnet things, btu once in a while I snoop and count the Valium. Since the hospital in early Nov. The count seems to be jsut where it should be. Once it showed me he had taken 19 in three days. 10 MG valium. I'd be dead. I know that is too many. And I'm not telling his doctor or his sponsor or his freinds. I am jsut keeping it to myself in case he goes down.


Is that hand off of the addict? I dont tell HIM. In fact I knew he was taking the valium 3 months before he told me. And i never let on. It's probably not "keeping hands off". LOL But I see it as needed since he is not himself. HIs memory is not what it should be.

But I will try not to do it very often. How's that? LOL

LIN

[mrsspanish]

TEXT

great topic!!!! hands off the addict was something i was never able to do in the beginning. i searched for alcohol and drugs and flushed them down the toilet. as time went on, and i was online with essence of recovery and i chatted, etc, i learned that it was a waste of time and effort because he would always get more and he would only recover if he wanted to. well, i guess, he never did want to.but, when his behavior and actions really started to affect the family in a serious way, the only answer for us was to throw him out of the house. now i completely have my hands of this addict! and that is my story!!

[SunnyGirl]

( ( ( ( Doris - Arlene - Linda - Janet ) ) ) )

Many thanks to each of you, for your replies.....
Lin brought up a very good point having to do
with the word rationalize.....

Aren't we all guilty of it? When I put things off or
procrastinate, my first instinct is to list all the good
reasons why I didn't get it done. I used to call much
of my anger, justifiable, if they hadn't done this or
that, I would never have reacted in the way I did.

Justifying or rationalizing, was a good way to cover
my bad behavior, so I didn't have to look at what is
really behind it all. It reminds me of the addictive
behaviors of the addict/alkie in my life, blaming other
people for their own actions.

I think it was fear that lead me to sneak around and
check up on my daughter. Instead of dealing with the
fear I was feeling, I would "snoop" around and it would
make me feel guilty and compound the situation. If I
had taken the time to identify what I was really feeling,
I might have reacted differently. I am accountable
for my own behavior, no one else, just me.

I need to keep the focus on me and my recovery. I am
powerless over the addict, but I am not powerless
over my own actions. Just for today, I am going to do
my very best to, "keep my hands off the addict" and
mind my own business.

Peace on the journey, SG

[dg]

Hi sorry I didn't get a chance to share yesterday when the topic came up.
I have been living with my addicts problem for over 4 years, in the beginning of our marriage (9 years) things were ok, then the sneaking stuff started to pop up, at first I thought I was the one that was at fault over alot of the issues of marriage, little did I know it was Methaphamine that was the issue of our marriage.
So over the years I have battled with my husbands leaving the home and hitting the streets. I, of course wanted to fix him, at first I used to go out and find him where ever he was at to bring him home and then I started to get to know his "friends" to try to pass little messages to him to get him to come home then I started to make deals with him to get him to fess up to his problems and go to rehab. Only way that worked is if he ended up in jail. He then only then would work the system and on us.
He did do well for a while, and started to really focus on our marriage.
Yet, in between all that, I always seem to have that WALL up around me with me peeking over that wall wondering if I was going to get slammed dunked again on wether he was going to end up back out there with his friends and drugs. It happened as soon as he was off parole.
Once again, I was back at looking for "a sign" to red flag me. But only this time, I didn't go looking for him, I didn't call him (hardest for me not to do)and little by little he chipped away what was left of our marriage by leaving me for good. He chose to be on drugs, and I know he hasn't reached rock bottom yet.
He still comes around, still calls me, and still lets me know he loves me and for me, I can only say this that as much as I love him with all my heart, I sure hate his addiction that robs him of a person that is so full of good things deep down inside.

[SunnyGirl]

Dearest Dg,

I think what I love the most about 12-step recovery,
is the fact that each of us have the ability to get up
each new day and do the best we can.

Many of us hang on for as long as we can, when the
pain becomes to much we slowly learn to let go. I've
watched you progress thru the years and I've watched
you struggle. This is the same with all of us......

In a perfect world, we would work the 12 steps and
receive our certificate of graduation. But this is not
the case, none of us are perfect and the recovery is
found one day at a time. Nar-Anon is a life program and
we learn more every day! You keep taking care of
you...... Hugs, SG

"Hands off the addict"

[SunnyGirl]

"Hands off the Addict"

It's funny sometimes, how I have to repeat the same
things over and over, before I get the point.........

I've had a problem communicating with my sister, (an
active alkie/addict) for a long time now. I would call
and she was always in the middle of doing something
any time I would call her, always saying she would call
me back. She never did! Each time this would happen
it would bruise my little feelings and I would allow myself
to get in a huff over it.

It finially got to a point where I decided that calling her
and getting myself upset was silly. I decided to just
wait and when she wanted to talk, she could call me.
I don't push to stay in contact, but allow her to reach
out when she wants to. This has been going on for
about 4 months now and it seems to be working just
fine for both of us. There is no pressure on either of
us and the time is always convienent for her.

Sometimes, I can complicate the simplest things.....
I've been working on my recovery for a few years now
and keeping life simple seems to work the best, for
me and the addicts/alkies, in my life.

Just thinking out loud today.... SG

[DianaK]

I haven't snooped around to see if my husband is still using pot. I guess I should have snooped sooner in the MA online chat he's on tho, because I discovered he's having an internet affair with another recovering addict in there. Needless to say, there was a huge blowout here last nite over it.

Diana

[Caressa2]

It is ironic, my son went back to his girlfriend. She is on medication and can't smoke dope or drink and she has quit cigarettes and he has to smoke outside.

I got a call today to see if they could come for the supper and the evening and play cards. Mom is safe, she isn't using and just for today, I can't be around my friends.

Personally, I don't think I could live with someone who is using, certainly would allow it in my home. It is bad enough the boyfriend hasn't look like carrying out his "no smoking" resolution. I didn't say a word about quitting, but I did let him know he stunk when he came in from my smoking parlour (my balcony), so I guess I have more work to do in that area.

[SunnyGirl]

( ( ( ( Diana & Caressa ) ) ) ) )

Thank you for sharing, so many wonderful replies in
this weeks topic.

Many times when I have played dectective, I have
found things I really wish I had never seen. Today
it's so much easier for me to let go and detach from
the addict.

Like the addict we have choices in our lives. If we make
good choices, we will have serenity in our lives. If we
use bad judgement and make poor choices, there is
bound to be chaos.

Nar-Anon and all of the 12 step programs are so very
simple. Unfortunately, we are complicated people. The
best way to get started working on our recovery is .....
"ONE DAY AT A TIME"!

Peace on the Journey, SG

[majestyjo]

Some good recovery expressed here. I was told it was none of my business. A sure way for me to want to stick my nose in, because I always wanted to be "in the know."

Knowing never made it any better, so I would have been better not asking or snooping to find out.

My son has his own HP, and I'm not it.

[majestyjo]

Do glad this program is one day at a time.