Topic for the week: "Boundaries" -vs- "Ultimatums"

[SunnyGirl]

The purpose of setting boundaries is to protect
and take care of myself.

My first attempts were more like issuing ultimatums
and failed miserably. Issuing an ultimatum was just
another attempt at controling the addict in my life.

The ultimatum/boundary line IS confusing. I think the
main difference between and ultimatum and a boundary
is what I am trying to accomplish by making them.

If I say..... "Get help or I leave" with the mindset of
trying to get the person to get help (controlling!) and
expects them to change, it is an ultimatum.

If I say ....... "Get help or I leave" with the mindset
that "I have to do what's best for me and I cannot
stay in this relationship unless he gets help" that is a
boundary.

A boundary is stating what I can and cannot live with,
and then sticking to it. I need to be able to express
my feelings and communicate them to others. I've
learned not to be confrontational, but to just state
clearly what I need.

A boundary doesn't have to (and probably shouldn't)
include the "or else" aspect. However if I set a
boundary, I need to have a plan in mind of what I'm
going to do if/when my boundary is violated.

A boundary is about controlling myself and my peace of
mind, and not putting up with behavior that makes me
feel uncomfortable or threatened.

Boundaries are all about 'ME' and not about 'them' - this
means ANYBODY in my life - not only my Addict.

- - - - - - - -

"EXAMPLES OF SETTING BOUNDARIES"

"You don't have a right to tell me what to think,
or invalidate my feelings."

" Don't vent your anger on me, I won't have it."

"This is mine, you don't have a right to use it as yours."

"I won't accept your belittling jokes, your criticism or
your condescending attitude toward me."

"I won't be disrespected -- If you won't respect me,
then stay away."

"Keep your hands off me."

"Stop doing that...or I'll leave; report you; file charges, (etc.)."

" Don't try to tell me what to do."

"If we're going to have a working relationship, I need
honesty, respect & equality."

"I need to communicate when we have a
misunderstanding."

"I need openness and sharing in a relationship -- your
withholding is making our relationship not satisfying for
me."

The "EXAMPLES OF SETTING BOUNDARIES" came from
the link below. There is a bunch of wonderful information
on setting and maintain boundaries.
alcoholism.about.com/cs/boundaries/index.htm

- - - - - - - -

When people violiate my boundaries, I have many choices
as to what the consequences might be. When I say I
will not tolerate abusive language, the consequence
may be something as simple as walking out of the room.
I can shift the boundary if the abuse continues, to include
I am going for a drive, or I am going on a vacation.
And depending on the degree of abuse, it can mean
I am leaving this relationship.

And not all of my boundaries are hard and firm.....
I try not to view the world or my relationships in black
and white or good or bad. There are shades of gray
and times when those boundary lines need to be shifted
and re-drawn. If someones behavior is making my life
chaotic and stressful, I need to re-look at that boundary
and the outcome, if only for my own sanity.

Please share your experience, strength and hope,
on "Boundaries" -vs- "Ultimatums"


Peace on the journey, ~SG~

[dg]

Good Thread Sg.. as always.
I see myself in a good deal of what you are saying.
I have also used many of the things you have listed. Some of them worked up to a certain degree, then the "A" gets used to the "boundaries" and then turns it around on ME.
Some of the times it never worked anyways for it just gave him the excuse to make it into something that is "his way or no way".
I have threated before telling him its either get help or else~ only to get into deeper denial of his useage.
I understand that each of the solutions may work for some and some don't work. Unfortually, it didn't for me, for the "A" in my life tried to convince me that it was all in my head and that I am the one that "needed help".
Since he has left, the only thing I have said to him, if he really loved himself, he would do something about it. And he knows what that is, so far silence is deafening.

[SunnyGirl]

When my daughter was actively using, she became
homeless and was living on the streets. She begged
me to come home. I had only a short time in recovery
but I knew I had to set "house rules" or boundaries,
for my peace of mind in my own home.

The number one boundary on my list was,
NO DRUGS IN MY HOME. On day 2, I found evidence
that she was using in the home and I made her
pack and leave. It absolutely broke my heart to
think I was sending her back out into the streets.
But, I was determined to stick to my convictions,
knowing if I backed down or blurred that boundary
I would have to live with it for a long time.

If I don't insist on what I need for my own safety
and sanity, I am stuck living in the chaos. Today
I've learned to "say what I mean and mean what I
say".

( ( ( ( Dg ) ) ) ) )

The list is just an example of boundaries....
What works for me, certainly may not work for others.
Each of us do the best we can and get up each day,
willing to begin again. ODAT


Peace on the journey, ~SG~

[Lin]

Awesome list! Not much more I can add. I agree..my idea of the difference is the words, "OR ELSE". Tht means it is an ultimatum. It has definite consequences if the phrase is an ultimatum. A boundary is somethign I set to protect ME. It is not abotu what will happen tot he other person if they CROSS my boundary.

I'm not so clear on your MINDSET thoughts. If I say get sober or get out...that's an ultimatum. EVEN if I mean it to manipulate them into seeing I am right. It the meaning is jsut based on mindset, how does the other person expect to read my mind?

I see boundaries as some being very rigid and some being a little bit more flexible. But ultimatums are rigid. They have consequences for actions and i better be prepared to back them up with compliance when i set them, or next time they will walk all over me. I only once in 35 years threatened divorce. (and it was not over drinking) I even kicked him out for a week. And believe me..when he came crawling back with his tail tucked between his legs, I set some rules and he towed the line!

Great topic!
LIN

[lildee]

Great thread , wonderful shares.

I tend to agree Boundaries are to protect Me. What behavior I am willing to accept and not accept. As Lin metioned some boundaries are firm others are a lot more flexible depending upon conditions.

Ultimatums have a definite consquence. So far there has been only one ultimatum that I have issued since I have been in recovery. I have a post nuptuial agreement in effect. In it it lists exactly what behavior I will accept , and what those consequences will be. I don't dwell on this but I think of it as protection for myself and my children. It is a tough ultimatum but it made my "A" very aware of what he would loose. (Basically everything.) Yes he had a great deal of resentment about it. Well tough, I have to take care of myself and my children. This is something that he has come to terms with and realizes that I will support him in his recovery but not in his addiction.

This is a process that is not for the faint of heart, and by no means am I reccomending it for everyone. In my circumstances I needed more protection than a hope and a promise. So this was another route to give me the added protection that I needed.

[SunnyGirl]

I'm not so clear on your MINDSET thoughts. If I say
get sober or get out...that's an ultimatum. EVEN if I mean
it to manipulate them into seeing I am right. It the meaning
is jsut based on mindset, how does the other person expect
to read my mind?

I didn't mean to confuse anyone with my wording.
But if I come to the conclusion that I can no longer
live with an active addict, I need to set a boundary
to that effect. If I state this clearly, "get help for
your addiction, or I can no longer live with you" it
sounds like a boundary to me. My focus (or mindset)
is on what I need. The addict has to make a choice,
my choice was stating what I need. I may be off base,
but that is just my opinion.

Excellent shares, I still learn from all of you......

Keep in mind that no one way works for everyone.

Setting boundaries, helps me to create a space where
I have peace in my life. It should in no way, become
a way to try to punish or fix the "A". It's all about me!

Hugs, SG

[Caressa2]

Boundaries for me aren't barriers but more like permiters. This is my sacred space, this line can not be crossed, this area is by invitation only, and outside that, it is an area which is open, but conditional to things like actions, words and deeds.

I am worthwhile today, I have self-respect and self-worth and abuse is not tolerated in any form. My son is the biggest offender, followed by his girlfriend, who tend to be blind when it comes to walking on or trambling boundary lines and I have to keep re-erecting them until they get the message.

It really is difficult to administer tough love!

[usdupn02]

Great topic and great shares!!

For myself, if a vocalize my wishes such as "if you bring drugs into my house, you have to leave", that is an ultimatum. It sets me up for a confrontation before the fact and everybody gets on the defensive. If I set in my mind, decide myself, that if the A brings drugs into my house, I will ask them to leave, that is a boundary. There may still be a confrontation but when they ask "why do I have to leave", I can say "because I don't allow drugs in my house." They get the picture. I don't feel I need to warn them in advance what the boundaries are for myself.
This of course, sounds very simple, but when the time comes to follow thru, it is very difficult. I am learning to do this for myself ODAT.

Janet

[SunnyGirl]

......excellent shares!

If my boundaries are for creating a safe space
for me, I have to communicate what I need to
others. The addict is not a mind reader. They
need to know before hand, that I need to be
treated with respect and if they cross that space
there are consequences. I may leave the room,
leave the house or leave town...... We each
do the best we can to protect our serenity.

Hugs, SG