The finger of God

[lildee]

This has been an odd week to say the least. The "A" has been isolating and shutting me out for the last few weeks. Communication at best was a few grunts and yeses, with him disappearing into another room. So it has been tough in that department. Normally he would come home and talk his daily goings on at work or if he went to a great meeting, but nothing. For almost a week he skipped meetings saying the "weather is too bad". OK his choice, his program and I let it go.

Then on Friday night all heck broke loose. Smack dab in the middle of my meeting he comes trotting in to tell me that he is going to a rock concert on Sunday, and trotted off. Ok now I am really annoyed with this childish behavior. After the meeting I went down to the bedroom to discuss this with him and through no fault of my own I overheard a conversation which was not intended for my ears, even though you could hear it throughout the house. In this conversation it was disclosed that his drug dealer was a female. More lies more secrets. My blood was at a boil. I was so enraged I stormed out of the house and went for a walk in the freezing rain. It helped somewhat but I was still furious beyond all reproach. Now shivering from the cold and rain I came home. Only to find a battle waiting for me. The "A" poised with his hands on his hips scowled at me "How dare you listen to my conversations!!!" So the battle began. Needless to say it got pretty ugly, with threats of divorce and abandonment and so on. By this time I was numb. All the life force had been sucked out of me. Completely empty. In all my years that we have been married I don't think that we have ever fought like that. And I don't ever remember seeing him yell and cry the way he did, or the way I did. Everything came out. It was like the flood gates of hell opened up.

Finally after a while things settled down to a low roar. We sat for hours talking about what was going on. Part of it was complacency for me and the family and part of it was the guilt that he was carrying for not diclosing the truth about his drug goings on. It was eating him up. When the Big Book says brutally honest it means brutally honest. Does it matter to me that his dealer was a female? No, I couldn't care less about that. It could have been a Martian for all that it matters, that was in the past. What upset me so was the lying and deceit. More hidden secrets. Well, this is one secret that is out in the open.

The next day was Saturday and he was off to work. The kids and I were in shock for most of the day talking hashing it all out, curled up in my big bed.

Saturday night he went to a meeting and spilled his guts. Whatever was said turned him around, back to being a civil human being.

Complacency of the heart or of the Program can be deadly. Naturally I made my amends and am getting on with life again. God had a finger in this one for sure. There is no other way to explain it. For me to hear that conversation at that particular moment, there is no other explanation. I thank God for bringing us closer than we have ever been. The lines of communication are open and the secrets and guilt have been abandoned. Amen

[dg]

Wow Lildee, what a vent.!~
Looks like God was busy Saturday nite, as I was in sorta in the same game.
This is where I find that life is so full of choices, and roads to go to.
I am glad to hear that Rick went to a meeting instead of turning the other direction.
This is a definate ODAAT program to work on when dealing with a loved one on a program.
By the way, Did he still go to the concert?
Take care Lildee and keep the faith.

[SunnyGirl]

Mornin Lildee,

God does work in mysterious ways....

It always seems that when I am listening, HIS
plan for me is so much clearer....

From my experience, honesty was a very difficult
commodity for my "A". They share just as much
as they want you to know at that moment. The
truth usually comes out at some point, but not
always in early recovery. There were so many
times when the truth would have been easier than
the lie......

There were times when I would "overhear" or
"accidentally" come across some information that
was not intended for me.... And I was hurt and
angry, beyond belief. In my case, it was fear
that the "A" would pick up and use again. I had
to back off and fully concentrate on me and my
recovery.

I am so happy that you husband chose to make
that meeting and that things are good for you
now.

It took me such a long time to learn to "act" instead
of "react" in situations like this.....

Peace on the journey, SG

[Caressa2]

My new boyfriend is in recovery too, but I can send him home. I find that he doesn't talk alot about his recovery, he listens to me spout off, agrees, disagrees too, but I am glad he has his own meetings, his own therapy, and his own groups he goes to for his own issues. It is his program, my program and our program, but I have not been out to many meetings lately and he is working 6 days out of seven and the next week he has extra hours to work and a meeting to go to for the next two weeks in the evenings.

We have been playing bridge on Wednesday night and it may not be an option for several weeks, so I plan to go to Women For Sobriety which is only half a block away from me. I have found them to be very positive and good food for my soul and maybe God is leading me back to where I need to be.

I discussed with him the possibility of playing on Tuesdays instead of Wednesday, so we both need to just let go and let God.

One thing I am very aware of is that this is a one day at a time program. I may have been around for over twelve years and him over four years, but we can hurt, and be challenged any day over many things, especially the little ones which can build up if we allow them and not discuss them and bring them out into the open.

Time means nothing, it is quality sobriety and the length of time means nothing if you aren't being honest and applying the spiritual principles into your life to the best of your ability in today.

[majestyjo]

Smiling, I need to remember and listen to myself.

The boyfriend is long gone.  He got too comfortable in my space and wanted to move in, without making space for himself.  He was too needy and figured I should need him in my life.  He took offence when I said, "He was in my life because I wanted him there.  I didn't need him, I was complete and whole within myself.  A needy relationshipp is doomed to failure or a lot of hurt and pain.  Don't have a man in my life in today and no desire for one. Maybe God has other plans, but if He does, He will have to speak very loudly if He wants me to hear.

I went to Women for Sobriety and it was good for where I was at. I didn't continue going there, for one, I moved, secondly I didn't find them very spiritual to my way of thinking.

[majestyjo]

Reading this and thinking, it was good for where I was at, but when it was time to move on, I was directed to another fellowship. As you know, I like to say, "The common denominator between different fellowships are the 12 Steps and Traditions. A few fellowships have different wording, and one is Al-Anon's "aim toward spiritual perfection."

We are not saints, but we are asked to try to do the best we can each day. That means doing, not sitting and being complacent or procrastinating and putting it off until tomorrow. We need to remember that tomorrow never comes. It is always today. It is up to us to pick up those spiritual gifts and apply them to our life.