Lets talk Naranon~

[dg]

Hello everyone,
For the past few weeks things have once again been brought up in my circle of family and friends. Well meaning that they are.
The lack of understanding of a Addict and their disease that over takes our home life at the time of their active use.
The most talked about thing that comes to play is this most used phrase: " But he has done this how many times over?" or this one " How many chances are you going to give him before you realize he is useless" or " You deserve a better person than him" and the last most used phrase is: You are enabling him by taking him back."
It seems to over take my mind that these words that are said to me hurts more than the addict using.
I just am lost at how to put these so called phrases in its place and have tried by saying "I love my addict, he has a disease and I will not give up" or Its about me and my husband." This is such a lonely world to live in when you are pinned up between people with so called meaningfull adivice on how to deal with an addict when they themselfs have never lived with one.
This whole thing makes me revaluate my purpose to come to Naranon or Alanon for that matter, to try to learn the steps of living with the addict, but still am so at lost for words at how to make others that don't use the program understand better.
So far I have only gotten a smaller circle of people in my life because of the fusteration of my friends or family in me for wanting to take on something I still love and hope that one day my dream will come true to have a sober husband .

[Lin]

Great post DG! It reminds me of the quote about not judging another until you've walked a mile in his moccasins.

Freinds and family mean well. They want the best for us. But we do too. And like you, I lvoed my addict and was not interested in leaving him...so those comments were not acceptable to me. The one I got alot was "why do you put up with it?"

One thing I learned very early in my marriage..NEVER tell family my private business. I figured out if I went running to them and spilled my guts about he did this or he said that...then when I have forgiven and forgotten, they will still hold it against him and be angry with him. So for me, finding a safe place to share with people who will not judge me...was AWESOME.

THANKS!
LIN

[Caressa2]

Great post my friend. For me, I was in a relationship where love wasn't an issue. It wasn't there in the first place. I found over the years when I have had others share, that if there is nothing to base the relationship on, like love and trust, there isn't much to hold onto.

People only see what they want to see or they can't see beyond the disease (all types) to the person who is inflicted with it. Also, it is often their own denial, fear, and disease that allows them to point the finger at you and your partner, instead of looking at themselves.

[usdupn02]

Great post DG. I feel like I am on both sides of that issue. I hear the part about "why do you bother" and "why don't you just leave the relationship". But I have known my friend for 22 yrs. and tho I am learning that I have some major enabling/codependent issues, I still care a lot about my qualifier and see lots of good. I like the other posts, have learned what I can and can't tell other friends and family as they don't forget and tend to dredge it up at every opportunity.

On the other side of the coin, my qualifier wants to continue trying to deal with her ex who abused her and is also an addict. I find myself wanting to say to her "why don't you leave him alone" and "why do you bother". When you on the outside looking in, things seem so much clearer and more simple and that self-riteous stuff really comes out.

It is a tough issue. Hang in there DG!!

Janet

[SaraLee]

I had a flash back while reading your post dg. My first marraige was to a moderate drinker who had a lot of alcoholic traits...maybe he was an alcoholic, I was never quite sure, and I never confided in family members about what was going on in our marriage...NEVER... and when I divorced him, everyone was shocked! Even my brothers turned on me for awhile because they thought I was the villian...maybe having an affair or something and just wanted out of what they thought was a rather good marriage!

So when I married the second time to an active alcoholic, I didn't want to repeat what happened the first time, so I updated family and friends constantly about what was going on in our household, only to alienate them from me once again. They could only tolerate so much bad news from me.

It was a balancing act from then on and picking who and what I'd say to others. I did continue to let family know some things, but not all, and shared the rest with Al Anon friends. It can be a tricky business.
SaraLee

[Caressa2]

My marriage ended 24 years ago, and your post SaraLee reminded me of something I heard at an Al-Anon meetings in early recovery. A woman was asked why she kept coming to Al-Anon when her husband had been dead for twenty years. She said, "Because I still have to live with myself."

This made a big impact on my recovery. It wasn't about my partner. That marriage contributed to my stinking thinking, and added compound interest to the old tapes and patterns of childhood, but it was about me and my attitude about living in today that I needed to change, especially if I wanted to lean how to have a 'healthy' relationship.

Al-Anon and Nar-Anon have helped me to find me, to make changes in my life and to get to know me. When I found myself, I was able to express what I needed in a relationship, set boundaries, let go of old patterns of manipulation, control, and develop a sense of "Self" and in today, I can become a better partner.

[jonc]

DG -

I also sometimes find it difficult to deal w/ people not in 12step, when they are giving advice on addiction. I know they mean well, and I try to remember how I used to look at things before I was in program. "Black and White, right?"

When I'm getting advice that I'm not looking for , I try to ask myself: What is their motivation? What is mine?

Well, Ok, first I get annoyed, but then, after I've thought about it, I go back and try to think.

One thing I try to remember: I do not owe anyone an explanation for my behavior. If I continue doing something that another person thinks is crazy, I am doing so because either I see it my own way, or perhaps I am just not prepared to do what the other person thinks is right.

At the end of the day, each of us has to live w/ whatever decisions we make. Sometimes it pays to just shrug and say "I don't know -- it's just how I see it right now" or "I'm not sure what I'm going to do, so I'm going to wait" and leave things unanswered.

JonC

[dg]

Thanks to those that replied to my post.
This is pretty much a all time battle that I deal with and after I saw Lins post today on why we stay with our loved ones.. confirms that we are not alone in this particular subject.
I wish we can have answers to say to those that say that they "wish us a better life" ect~
Just by me telling them its my life is never a good nuff answer so, I always seem to be back at how do I conquer this.
Love conquers all.
Have a good day all of you, and thanks again for your ESH.

[Lin]

I was in AlAnon for 8 years when he started abusing Lortabs. It was so different than the booze. It woudl hit me blindsided. I never knew when it woudl pop up and his mood and clarity woudl change in minutes.

We went to file taxes. He was fine. I stayed inside to pay the lady and he went to the truck. On the way home he was driving eratically. His mood changed. His reaction time in driving changed. he almost hit several cars. He had taken 4 lortab at one time. By the time we got home I was a wreck. It came on that suddenly. I had trouble figuring out what on earth had happened. I knew he did nto have any booze but I could not understand what happened. A few weeks later I found the lortab bottle, empty in his glove box. And then i KNEW what he was up to.

The way we got over it was he went to a 93 day rehab. Those few weeks after I discovered the drugs, were a nightmare. He was in and out of the ER, he got a DUI and went to jail...he was told at work to go home and not come back until he got his medications straight. I was trying to work and deal with emotions. 8 years of alanon did not prepare me very well for this. I KNEW it was different but could not pinpoint what it was.

How did YOU deal with the drug use?
LIN

[Caressa2]

Well I was the drug user, and they were like dried up alcohol for me. I didn't know I wasn't operating on all cylinders. I thought I was acting norm. I didn't realize that people looked at me and saw that I was stoned out of my tree.

I didn't feel high, I just wanted to shut off the pain, stop the world I wanted to get off because I was lonely and didn't see much purpose and direction in my life. I was put on valium at 16 at was the only way I knew how to deal with life's problems. I thought men were my problem, then I realized that my drinking got me into trouble and wanted to stop, but didn't know about recovery and tried it my way for 8 years, and as my drinking lessened, my pill intake increased. I stopped drinking for almost a year, but at the end I was back drinking and taking pills.

It wasn't until I had a spiritual awakening and heard a friend talking to the worker at the YWCA that I realized I had a problem. I believe until I was ready to hear, I wasn't capable of understanding and certainly in total denial with tunnel vision, which was somewhat impaired and deaf to any concept that the great I am was anything less than she had always been.

I shared with a friend this week that addiction to medication is difficult because unknown to me was the fact that the body manufactures the pain to tell you that you need more. More always seems to be totally justified, because "I have a pain you know, I have depression you know, I lost my job you know, I lost my boyfriend don't you know, I didn't sleep you know, etc."

There are always a lot of excuses but not a good reason to take more than prescribed. My family doctor was my supplier for 17years. I went into Relapse Prevention at our local hospital and they sent me home and said I didn't have a problem, my doctor said I needed the medication for my migraines, stomach disorder and my anxiety. Meanwhile he is going on holidays several times a year thanks to the kick back he gets for writing me a script!

All I did was sleep, I was not living I was existing. I use to be a very social person who became totally isolated and introverted. That may seem highly improbable to those of you who have got to know me here at EOR, but when I came into recovery if I spoke you didn't hear me, if I spoke at all. It took almost two years for me to totally detox from the medications I was on so that I was thinking clearly and out of the fog. Then I learned I had fibromyalgia and I realized were some of the pain was coming from. In today, I still don't take pain medication for it. I do take a muscle relaxant, but I have to be careful, because it could be addictive too. It helps relax the muscles so I can sleep. I have periods when I have to up the dosage to the full amount to two a day to give my body the rest it needs, but more than that would be using. Sometimes I just do without the sleep and for me meditation is the biggest tool.

It gives me the conscious contact I need with my Higher Power. Often it is stress which triggers it, so I have to do what I call "defrag" my body and mind so I can relax and go to sleep. Look at the source, and why I am in the pain and what lead up to it. The Twelve Steps work for me when dealing with my chronic pain and fatigue.

Perhaps awareness can help you find the acceptance of the disease. Use the same tools that you used for his drinking, it doesn't matter what the substance is, it all leads to the same soul sickness. It doesn't have to be drugs and alochol, it can me gambling, food, shopping, working, etc. Anything that stand in the way of living this life the way my Creator would have me live it, becomes the "Lower Power" in my life, and it stands in the way of my recovery and communication with my Higher Power who can empower me to help myself.

Someone else can't do it for me, I had to do it myself. I had pushed my son, my sister and her family, even a lot of the women at the Y. It is bad when you become isolated in a room which is full of women. They use to call me the unofficial Den Mother of the fourth floor and people were coming from the third and the fifth too, and I was the caretaker, rescuer, and dumping post for all the people and I compounded my misery with everyone elses.

[Lin]

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us Caressa! Hearing the other side of it all...helps me understand how powerful addictions are and in that understanding comes compassion.

LIN

[SaraLee]

Yes, thanks caressa. I was glued to your post as I read it. What a story. I'm not sure I've had a spiritual awakening and think that I must be holding onto some part of myself and not allowing God to totally take care of me. Even after all these years in the program, I'm still not sure how to turn everything over and have an awakening like you speak of.

I also didn't know that doctors get a kick back when they write scripts. No wonder they love to push pills.
Thanks again,
SaraLee

[dg]

I thought I could handle my husband addiction easy because I myself used to be addicted to coke and pills in the 80's. When I quit in 82, I never went back to it, so I thought when I first found out that my husband was using Methaphamine, I could handle it. After all I was an ex user!! Wrong!! Oh it was hell for me when I first found out.
I tried telling him that he needed to go to rehab, his reply was, I can quit anytime. I dont' need to go to NA or whatever.. he went from bad to worse.
Got busted several times, did time several times, left me several times.. all that and I didn't know how to cope, he pretty much had me convinced that it was my fault that he went to dope. I knew that wasn't true, because when I first started drugs I put myslf there, no one forced me~its a underlying disease crying out in pain.(for me it was)
Naranon had put things into such a different outlook at this disease that many don't want to accept.
I have come to the point now, after this time around of him being back in prison for drug use, that its up to him to get straight with his life. I keep reminding him that life is short, life is to precious to be all wacked out on dope and doing time is taking us away from our marriage that I want to have. Today, he is trying real hard to get the help he needs in prison, its something you can't get unless you demand for it, or worse, a court order.. he is trying hard to focus on his NA programs and substance abuse program.
For me, its a ODAT thing, and for me to try real hard to take the time to learn my recovery. Hard it is at times, I know its the only way of dealing with an addict~ is learning how to take care of me.
Thank you for letting me share~