living odat but ready to move on

[recoverygal]

HI all,

This is going to be a bit long so I apologize in advance.

I've been married to a crack addict for 4 years. He's been in and out of recovery. He relapsed this spring and has been on a binge since the end of July. We just bought a new house but he has since been fired from his job, maxed up all his credit cards, spent all his savings, and left me with a house full of bills and his 16 year-old daughter to care for. On top of it all the day after he left I found out I was pregnant. I've spoken to him a few times and he knows about the pregnancy.

Two weeks ago he said the reason he relapsed was because of me. Said I was a control freak (which I was before I found al-anon 2 years ago) and even though he acknowledges that I've changed, his relapse is still somehow my fault.

I did not take ownership of it. He was high at the time and I know I didn't cause his addiction. He had this problem long before he met me. But that day, something changed in me. He crossed the line. By blaming me, after everything I've put up with and after standing by him through years of chaos, to dare to blame this on me was the last straw. Plus, I don't want to raise this child in active addiction.

I have no reason to believe he will get clean and stay clean. He's never been clean longer than a year and he's not willing to follow a real recovery program, at least he hasn't been in the past, and I'm no longer willing to stick around to see if he does in the future.

I know I'm supposed to take it one day at a time. But I'm at the end of my rope. I love my husband and I thought we'd be married forever. But his problems are too much for me and I can't keep letting him bring me down. I just want to sell the house and move somewhere on my own. Me and my baby will be fine.

I'm pretty numb and I don't know what to do, b/c it's hard to make decisions about a marriage and a house and a life together when one partner is AWOL. But I keep praying for guidance and I'm no longer willing to accept the unacceptable.

I know he won't respond very well to my decision. But I can't live like this anymore and as someone pointed out to me, he was the one to abandon the marriage by making the choice to use again. I didn't.

Thanks for listening.

[lildee]

Hi recoverygal,

Placing blame is just one of the characteristics addicts develope along the way. As well as lying , cheating, and stealing. Don't take his blame to heart . You didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, and you certainly can't cure it.

As for ending your marriage.... I won't tell you go for it. That is your choice. You are the only one who can make that descision. For me I stayed. I won't say it was easy but it is getting better as time passes and we both work our programs. Right now your responsibility is to yourself and your baby.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

love & God Bless
Arlene

[recoverygal]

Arlene,

If I may ask, how long did you live with your husband in active addiction? Did you guys ever separate?

Thanks,
RG

[lildee]

Hi recoverygal,

Taking a guess he was probably active about 2 - 2 1/2 years. Pretty much the whole time his mom was diagnosed with cancer and after she died he went wild with the dope. Can't really be sure. He used most of the time while he was out of the house. And no we never seperated. We have been married 24 years. I am lucky his active addiction wasn't longer but it is just as devastating for the family. Any more questions feel free to ask.

love ya
Arlene