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Post by caressa on Nov 1, 2004 1:30:25 GMT -5
This weekend was difficult. For the last two weeks my son has come into my apartment in the wee smalls (with his key) because he was too drunk and stoned to walk all the way home or so he claims. Of course, he couldn't have left in time to catch the last bus. I found myself getting up and checking my apartment on Saturday morning to see if he had come in this Friday unheard.  He did show up at 7 p.m. on Saturday in worse shape than he had been on the other occasions. I know I can't talk or reason with someone who is using, but when the time is right, we are due for a little heart to heart talk. I brought up some issues, yet there are others to discusss like the returning of my key. I took it from him before and gave it back. It is much more convenient for him to have it because without it I don't get to see him very often, but I sure don't want to see him in the condition he has been in lately. I know he is in active addiction and I am powerless over his choices. What I am not powerless over is my safe place and I need to take steps to make it secure. Going into my bathroom after someone who has been using has been there is not condusive to serenity. |
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Post by lildee on Nov 1, 2004 2:15:07 GMT -5
Dearest Caressa,
I am sorry you are going through such a tough time right now with your son. True you can't change him but you can change yourself. Set boundaries of what kind of behavior you are willing to accept. Put it in writing if need be. Stop enabling him by providing a nice comfy place to crash. It is an invaision of your serenity. No mother wants to give their kid the boot, but you need to let go of that motherly role to help him. Protecting and providing for him is only enabling him. Don't think of him as your son treat him as if he were one of your sponsees. Plant the seed about getting into a program or rehab. My prayers are going out for both of you.
Love and God Bless
Arlene
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Post by Lin on Nov 1, 2004 4:19:22 GMT -5
I agree with Lildee. It's time for TOUGH LOVE. He does nto have the right to invade your serenity. Telling him he is welcome to come by when he's clean and sober,....telling him you love him but won't allow somebody who is stoned to be under your roof...and by all means, DO get that key back. I ahve heard horror stories about what lengths people go to for drug money. He COULD come in while you are out and steal you blind.
We think we are helping our family by dong so much for them. But in reality we are allowing them to stay in their disease a little longer.
I pray you can handle this with him soon. It's no fun to have to watch somebody we love kill themselves.
LIN
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Post by caressa on Nov 1, 2004 4:49:49 GMT -5
It has all been done many times. He knows about recovery, has been to my anniversy many times, has brought other people to meetings and left.
He know he isn't suppose to come by in that condition. He knows and has acknowledged the fact that it harmful to me, and I get apologies and a reprieve and then it starts again.
The boundaries have been there for years but he refuses to acknowledge them. I have a problem with noise and can't loud confrontation (partly due to my past and partly because of my fibromyalgia) and I just don't have the strength to put him out physically. He generally walks in the door and passes out. I have a small one bedroom apartment and last night he spent it on the floor until such a time as he could come around to open the couch.
He is due to come over tomorrow and I plan to have a talk with him. I also know that his ownership and his 'right' to be here attitude stems back to my using days. His anger tells him I owe him and I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't a little bit of "pay backs a pregnant dog mom, deal with it!"
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Post by caressa on Nov 2, 2004 12:02:31 GMT -5
Well I called that one pretty close, you would think he had read my post. He left his key at home as though he knew he was in danger of losing it if he brought it.
He does know he has a problem. He has admitted it but says he will never, never go to AA, NA or CA.
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Post by lildee on Nov 2, 2004 23:50:50 GMT -5
Dearest Caressa, If your son admits he has a problem that is a start. Maybe he just doesn't want a 12 Step Program. There are other types of programs and rehabs available to him. Might I suggest SOS . Founs at the following website. www.secularhumanism.org/sos/Good luck and God Bless to both of you. Arlene |
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Post by caressa on Nov 3, 2004 3:56:15 GMT -5
Thanks Lildee for your concern and thoughts. Believe me, I pray he gets help any way he can get it, in fact, I firmly believe it can't be through me.
He does know and is in contact with a friend who I helped get SOS started here in the city, unfortunately, it closed due to lack of support and his poor health.
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. I will be back looking for Lin and others.