Newcomer Jacinta

[jacinta]

Hi Guys,

I just want to introduce myself. My name is Jacinta and I live in Australia. I started a relationship with a friend of 20 years in June this year. He had his family, friends, work and acquaintances all convinced that he had been clean for 12 months. He had been living in his grandparent's loungeroom for the previous 12 months, so when we established our "picture-perfect" relationship he moved himself in pretty quickly. I helped him get a job in rehab. He hadn't worked in residential treatment before - and I have years of experience so my support was vital.

In a short period of time, the 3 month supply of my son's dexamphetamines went missing. I got another script, which also went missing within the week. My partner confessed and I asked him what he was going to do. He packed and left, telling me I was a very bitter person???. (I had handled the situation as cool as a cucumber - even though I was dying on the inside!) In the month that followed, my ex-partner did everything he could to sabotage any part of my life that he could - and did a d**n good job of it!!!!

Having brought an addict into my home jeopardised the custody of my son. My estranged husband tried to make a case against me to take custody of my son(because of my ex-partner's addiction) - and thankfully he was unsuccessful.

My partner's addiction distorted me too - and he had also managed to sabotage my employment, my friendships, my reputation, my lifestyle, my inner equilibrium. I had learnt to trust this man significantly over 20 years - and he destroyed that trust, and that of my little boy - within just 2 months. I was shattered - and had no real support. Even my loved one's could disregard my grief as insignificant due to his actions - but for me, I felt like my soul had been torn out. I was refused counselling because I was no longer in a relationship with him - and I have had to go alone with it for the past 7 months.

I still have not been able to get in touch with NarAnon (30kms away) but have found out they meet on Thursday night. At the moment, I can't make a Thursday night group. I can make the Friday night group (40kms away) though and it that works out even better - because my son goes to his father's every second Friday night.

So here I am! And I look forward to meeting you guys and hearing about your journeys.

I posted under "General Recovery" as a guest. So if you want to learn more about my journey, you are most welcome to have a squiz.

Lin has let me know about the AlAnon meetings on Friday night at 8pm Eastern. I imagine that is US time which is Saturday 11am (Eastern - Australia).

More than do-able! The next couple of meetings will be Christmas Eve (US) / Christmas Day (Aus) and New Year's Eve/ New Years Day. I may get the opportunity to log on but obviously can't be sure.

So I imagine Friday 7th (US), is when I can look forward to meeting most of you.

I think Christmas can harder for us than some families - and my thoughts will be with all of us who do it that little bit tougher.

Merry Christmas!

Take care all...

Jacinta

[Lin]

We'll look forward to seeing you at our online meetings in jan. I'm glad you ahve found a meeting close enough to attend. Are there any alanon ones any clsoer? That might be a plan B.

I'm so happy the custody ruling was in your favor. You didn't KNOW he was an addict and once you learned it, You kicked him out of your home. I'm hapy the courst saw it jsut that way.

Hang in there! And I hope you are having a wonderful holiday with your son this week.

WELCOME!

LIN

[lildee]

Welcome Jacinta,

Glad you have found EOR.

Your story reveals just how vitimized the friends and family of addicts/alcoholics feel. I would like to shre the following reading with you:-

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go.


Owning Our Power

Don't you see? We do not have to be so victimized by life, by people, by situations, by work, by our friends, by our love relationships, by our family, by our feelings, our thoughts, our circumstances, and ourselves.

We are not victims. We do not have to be victims. That is the whole point!

Yes, admitting and accepting powerlessness is important. But that is the first step, an introduction to this business of recovery. Later, comes owning our power. Changing what we can. This is as important as admitting and accepting powerlessness. And there is so much we can change.

We can own our power, wherever we are, wherever we go, whomever we are with. We do not have to stand there with our hands tied, groveling helplessly, submitting to whatever comes along. There are things we can do. We can speak up. Solve the problem. Use the problem to motivate ourselves to do something good for ourselves.

We can make ourselves feel good. We can walk away. We can come back on our terms. We can stand up for ourselves. We can refuse to let others control and manipulate us.

We can do what we need to do to take care of our selves. That is the beauty, the reward, the crown of victory we are given in this process called recovery. It is what it is all about!

If we can't do anything about the circumstance, we can change our attitude. We can do the work within: courageously face our issues so we are not victimized. We have been given a miraculous key to life.

We are victims no more unless we want to be.

Freedom and joy are ours for the taking, for the feeling, for the hard work we have done.

Today, I will remind myself as often as necessary that I am not a victim, and I do not need to be victimized by whatever comes my way. I will work hard to remove myself as a victim, whether that means setting and enforcing a boundary, walking away, dealing with my feelings, or giving myself what I need. God, help me let go of my need to feel victimized.

In Al-Anon we have something called the 3 C's
We didn't cause the problem.
We can't control it
We can't cure it.

You are not responsible for your friends drug use. You have no control over him or when he is going to use. And you can't fix him.

It is within the walls of an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting that you will learn how to deal with all of your emotions about your friend and yourself.

Find the meetings, get a sponsor (someone who you can share your feelings with), and start working the steps, do as much reading as you can.

Doing all these things saved my sanity and my marriage of 29 years.

This program works, if you work it, so work it , your worth it.

I hope to see you at one of our meetings. On Friday night 8 Pm Eastern and Sunday at 8 PM eastern. You are most welcome to join us.

Love and God Bless,
Arlene (lildee)

[jacinta]

Thanks Lildee,

I've really lost it. Your email came in as soon as I was about to click send on an email to tell him I wanted nothing more to do with him.

I am totally shattered at the moment because I think he is lying to me (again) - and I have to let him go (again).

I've reached the point of feeling like I hate him, my pain is so extreme. I'll be praying that I have the self-respect and courage to do whatever I need to to get my life back on track for the sake of me and my son. I'll be praying that I have the strength to see that our connection may have always been a complete illusion. I'll be praying that I will know what to do and act accordingly.

I'm starting to suspect he may just a predator, not the person he has presented to me for 20 years. It may just a be face he has worn, even prior to addiction, to get what he wants. I'm starting to wonder whether he has ever been the person he has presented to me.

I fear that he doesn't need time at all - not for recovery anyway. I fear that he is just biding his time to line up another victim properly before he lets me go, now he can sense I may not be his victim for too much longer.

I fear he is not getting better - he's just got EVEN BETTER!!!!!!! AT HIDING IT.

You don't know me so I do want to reassure you that I'm not some "crazy"... I'm an otherwise sane person who has been severly distorted by this ordeal. I thought I was getting into a healthy relationship, based on a 20 year friendship. Now I don't know if I ever really known him at all. It's done my head in - and I know I will get back to normal - I may just need to cut him completely out of my life.

Right now, I want "out" of what I fear is a really sick connection. If there was any time for the serenity prayer it is right now.

I hope I learn as much as I can from this experience.
I don't want to suffer (in this relationship or any another relationship) to this degree ever again.

Thank you for you post, I related to all of it.

Jacinta

[caressa]

Thank you for sharing Jacinta, please do keep coming. There is a lot of good material here and online when you can't get out to meetings, but f2f meetings are best, because it gives you a personal connection to others. We are a band aid, and a face to face meeting is the salve you put under the band aid. (i.e. hugs, smiles, and literature)

[jacinta]

Huh! Funny story - I took my son over to his father's house so I could go to the NarAnon meeting tonight. As soon as I got to his house - it dawned on me today is Wednesday, not Thursday - my son was so happy to be staying at his dad's that I ended up losing my boy for the night! It has worked well though. I have been able to take the time to think through my situation. I saw "him" today. I was as calm as a cucumber but seething inside. I didn't say a thing. He just said "you really hate me now don't you?" And I just said "Yep".
and walked away. He called after me "I'll ring you" and I said "No, you won't" with the ambiguity intended. (I was saying that I knew he wouldn't and even if he did get the inclination - to not bother - it was over).

I hope I will never again allow myself to have contact with him and if I happen to "bump into him", I hope I will manage to ignore him. He is toxic for me and it is now time for ongoing self-protection. I still feel grief but it is more manageable and I am focussing on other things as much as I can.

I feel so much better. Liberated. I'll check out this NarAnon meeting tomorrow. I am interested in it for the 12 step program. Even though I will most probably be excluded from attending the group again once I tell them I no longer have contact with him, surely they won't be rude enough to chuck me out the first time I'm there? My sense of urgency in going has subsided since ending it with him (which is a good indicator I've taken back my own power). Although I am open about learning what I have to learn about the experience, I don't want to wallow in "what he did to me", "why we had to break up" type stuff. I just want to learn as much as I can from the experience move on. I am not going to waste my precious resources in gaining a deep understanding of addiction, now it is no longer an issue in my life. After all he doesn't exist for me anymore.

I appreciate you post Caressa and hope you are having a good day.

Best wishes,

Jacinta

[caressa]

All you need to qualify is to know someone who is an addict, you don't have to live with them.

I met a woman in Al-Anon who was asked why she continued going to meetings when her husband had died 25 years ago. Her reply was, "I still have to live with myself!" Sounded like a good reason to keep coming for me. I split up with my ex-husband in 1980 and believe me, I have no desire to live under the same roof, even if he is clean, unless he has worked a miraculous program and he appears in front of me in the form of a saint.

I just broke up with a man who has "five" years in recovery, yet a man who is very much still in his "disease" who often acted out in old patterns and behaviors. After all, it takes one to know one, so I should know!

[jacinta]

Thanks Caressa,

It's so ironic that the day after I finally find an on-line discussion group and a NarAnon group, I cease contact with him. For some reason, I have had to go through the entire experience up to now alone. It is so nice to know that I "qualify" somewhere. I know I still have so many issues to work through within myself and related to his addiction/recovery. That he decided he no longer wanted me in his life completely devastated me. Even though a line had to be drawn because the issues related to his addiction/recovery had become too detrimental to me, I still have a long way to go before I really let go of the fantasy I had - that our connection was strong enough to get through it together. I haven't had contact with him for two days now and I am already feeling soooo much better. Sure, I will still grieve - afterall it was a significant friendship/relationship in my life. But it is liberating to focus on my own life; my own needs and not have addiction/recovery issues always in my face for once.

Really appreciate your assurances. It is refreshing to be assured that with NarAnon "relationship status" isn't the criteria but rather "the impact addiction/recovery issues have had on one's life".


Jacinta

[Lin]

Unless they do things drasticaly differently 'down under" than they do here in the states, you will never be asked to leave or told you dont qualify any more. Living with or even loving and not living with an alkie/addict has effected you. Your life is now changed for a very long time. People whose husbands ahve died or who ahve been long divorced from the addicted person STILl come . Nobody tells them to leave. 12 step programs jsut dont work that way. If you are an alcoholic and still drinking and come to a meeting drunk, They dont tell them to leave and come back when they are sober. (not the meetings I have attended...) but they instead continue the meeting and probably hope each of them is able to say one thing that person needs to hear. it's like plainting a seed. They hope that seed will sprout and the person will hear what they need to hear today to get sober tomorrow.

That's the same with the anon sides. You come hurting and we are there to help hold you up until youa re able to stand alone.

Sorry you had to end it to get help. Maybe it is for the best. Maybe you will one day get back together. it's not up to me to say. The main thing...you are there for your son. You are there and need to get healthy and well to be able to be a good mom.

Hang in t here. And I hope we do get to have our meeting on Friday. right now it looks good for me. My town had the biggest snowstorm in 7 years. We yhad 17 inches of snow in 24 hours and them 35 MP{H winds brougth drifts 3 to 5 feet. My husband and I ahve been shoveling the driveway all day. it's 2 ro 3 feet deep. Tomorrow morning we ahve offered to take a neighbor to his dialysis treatment so we ahd to get the driveway ready.

So unless it gets much better outside and we are GONE for the evening, i will be here and we WILl ahve the Christmas Eve meeting.

Talk soon.
LIN

[caressa]

Dear Jacinta,

One of my favorite sayings is, "If you let it go, and it returns to you, and you still want it, it is yours to keep."

Letting go is a difficult thing to do. Our disease is mental, emotional, spiritual and physical, and we need to do this on all four levels in order to heal and recover.

For myself, I have worked the Steps many times over, and have found this to be a living program. One time it will be to heal on a new level. A favorite story in recovery is that we are like an onion, we peel off the different layers, to get to the core. Personally, I like to think of myself as a rose today. I wasn't capable of thinking of myself as a rose when I came into recovery, and I really identified with that onion.

If you need to connect with anyone, please feel free to do so over the holidays. I will be at home and a friend will be here with me, but I will be checking in, so if you need to talk, I will be around.

[jacinta]

Thanks Caressa,

Any clues to the way to AlAnon chat?

;D Jacinta

[jacinta]

I was so scared about coming here today - so filled with emotion - about the situation - and then apprehension about a very new experience - out of my safety zone. I feel like a little girl in the middle of a crowded shopping centre who has lost her mummy.

But I'm a big girl so I'll wait on line and see if Lin or Caressa pm me back and come and "claim me from the lost kiddies" room.

Jacinta

[lildee]

Dear Jacinta

This is the link for the new chat room Hope to see you there Sun at 8PM EST. or Fridays at 8 PM EST

64.176.15.93/sigmachat.html

Love Arlene

[jacinta]

Thanks Arlene for your post (and Lin for your pms). You both and Caressa have been very accomodating to a me as a newbie. I appreciate the help from all three of you.

I am now confident that I can make the meeting in approx. 4 hours.

Jacinta

[jacinta]

Thank you all for a very healing meeting...

I've read over your post Arlene, regarding owing our power. I can see how I can improve my life.

I have read a bit about codependency lately, and thought a lot about it. Sure I can see parts of it in myself and I am willing to work on those areas.

Maybe, I'm in denial but I thought I was there for N*** because I wanted to be. It appeared to me initially that he was talking responsibility for his addiction and that it wasn't inappropriate for me to support him.

Being blown off with cold contempt just seemed to come out of nowhere and it is a characteristic I haven't seen in him before, within two decades of friendship.

The meeting the other day, help me accept the fact that he is gone, and the reasons why hardly matter. It's just the way it is.

I may be coming to terms with accepting this, but I still feel sad about the loss of a significant friendship. I know my grief will subside in time. I also know that I am better off without him, given the unacceptable way he has treated me. I know that my future holds a lot more promise without him in it.

But it still hurts.

Jacinta

[caressa]

Dear Jaciinta,

I can identify with your pain. I just broke up a fifteen month relationship with a guy who was a lot of fun, and on the whole, was good to me. I think a lot of my grief was the loss of what could have been.

It is normal to feel sad, and grief has many stages and it takes a lot longer than we think and in my case, wish it would take. The last time I didn't go through the process completely before I got into a new relationship, and I think this also affected this one.

In today, I need to heal my past, let it go, so I can move onto a new tomorrow. I thought I had done that, but there was unfinished business that just surfaced. I have come to realize that life happens that way. Things happen when they are suppose to in spite of me, and often because of me, but that is okay, I have a program to deal with it.

[jacinta]

Well, they say "all will be revealed in time". Well, it appears the time has come. For the past week I have had this knawing feeling to check my diamond rings, which I've brushed off. I've just checked and just as I suspected, they have gone. I'll report the theft to police and if they manage to trace it back to N***, it looks like he may going back inside for a little while... Live and learn.... But how long after "the end" does the bullnuts continue, I wonder???
Jacinta.

[caressa]

As long as we allow it my friend, as long as we continue to give up our power.

Recovery has been freedom of choice. I have made some choices that weren't so good, but the nice thing is that being sober, and working the program, I get to make another one.

[jacinta]

Thanks Caressa,

...but I meant the question more rhetorically... I was merely venting on this occasion...

It has only just occurred to me that only the fullness of time reveals - the full extent of what we have allow to have happen - sometimes long after we have ceased contact with our A's.

I feel that these sort of discoveries may keep popping up, for a while.

Nevertheless, you are more than welcome to pull me up on victim consciousness any time! I genuinely appreciate the feedback. So keep it coming!

Lots of love,

Jacinta
XXXX

[caressa]

Well my friend I identify with you, as I have been on both sides of the fence.

I have been the victim, have chose to be one and allowed myself to be one, even in sobriety. The nice thing that now it doesn't take me as long to recognize the fact and put a halt to it.

Venting is good, sharing is better, and caring is best. I always appreciate feed back and other people's opinion. This is a disease of perception. It is also a dis-ease that makes me think I am just fine, when in truth, there are days when I can be one sick puppy!!!