Newcomer Jacinta

[Lin]

WOW...what a shame that your diamond rings are gone. I keep mine on my fingers.

Even thought you KNOW he's the one who took them, it may be hard to prove unless you find who he pawned or sold them too. That's how it is in the US...not sure the proceudre "down under".


It's sad that you loved him and he took advantage of yur love and freindship. I'ts good you have learned how low he was able to stoop. It will help the pain of letting go when you se how unhealthy he was to be in your life.

(keep in mind also..in alanon/naranon we dont TELL you to leave, We jsut help you get stronger and give you support if you do or don't leave.) You made that choice all on your own about the same time you joined us.)

Venting is good. I often vent on paper and then delete it. Getting my thoughts out helps cleanse me. Sometimes it helps me see that my feelings are exagerated and the situation is not such a big deal. Then I can easily let it go. By deleting instead of delivering to the other person, I dont say something I may need to make an amends over later. And it also helps me not to tick them off. LOL

Keep coming back!

LIN

[jacinta]

Hi Caressa,

Sorry about mouthing off about my "recent discovery" before responding to your heartfelt empathy.
I'm on the same page as you, with feeling sad about "what could have been". As you know, N***moved pretty quickly into my life (and I thought nothing of it at the time – yes, another lesson learnt). Within 3 months he had proposed and I had accepted. (I know silly of me to think that three months was enough time to feel certain of our future, despite a long friendship). Then... things started happening that didn't add up... and me being the tough cookie I am, made the very hard decision to end the relationship - based only on a gut feeling and the balance of probabilities - which I'm sure you can understand was a very difficult, painful call to make. But it turned out to be the right call for me and my son. That believing in his recovery, and continuing the friendship, I now know was a step back. Yet, for the first time, in 7 months, I am now certain about something – and that is ending the association with N***, will bring both me and my son, peace and stability in the long term. (My son adores N***!)

Your comments about the grieving processes reminded me of the importance of the FULL resolution of previous relationship issues! When I started the relationship with N***, I was over all my issues with my previous partner - that is that - apart from the fact that he had denied his children access to me - the only mother they had ever known. I had the mothers at the school wanting to know what was wrong with the children, they were so unkempt and obviously traumatised. Heartbreaking… and that there was nothing I could do about it troubled me deeply. (From a distance they now seem a lot happier and better looked after but their father’s friend called in the other day – just to tell me his concerns about their welfare – I told him I didn’t know why he was telling me about it – he could do things to change the situation, whereas my hands were tied).

The loss of the children from my life, who I had taken into my heart as my own - was a grief beyond compare and (in all honesty) it is still something which I am trying to come to terms with. I HAVE accepted that I am no longer responsible for them as their mother, but I haven't yet let go of my love for them; their smell, the feel of their skin, their giggles, their idiosynchroses... even down to combing the headlice from their hair! They are all things I miss on a daily basis. Anyway, nuff about that!

The important thing is what I can do in the here and now. I've ended I disagreeociation with N*** and will not be letting him back into our lives under any circumstances.

Lin, you are dead right with what you said about [the recent theft] “will help the pain of letting go when you see how unhealthy he was to be in your life." It certainly has made me a lot more comfortable with my decision.

I appreciate what you mean that alanon/naranon doesn’t dictate what anyone "should" do in their respective situations - and it was coincidence that the association needed to be finalised at about the same time, I found you guys. That I have the support and guidance of people who have gone through similiar experiences to me, does help me incredibly and I want to thank you all for the assistance you have given me – especially in such a short space of time! I'm like a sponge, soaking up every bit of information I possibly can!

Yeah, I don't think I will see my rings again but at least I have reported them missing to police. The police would have more than enough to deal with at this time of year and a couple of grands worth of jewelry going missing, will most probably not be followed up.

Caressa, in re: to "my vent", I think I should tread a little lighter until everyone gets to know me a little better and gets to know where I am coming from. You seem like an exceptionally caring person and the friendship you have extended to me over the past week, has meant a lot to me. I very feel uncomfortable with the possibility that you may have felt injured by my post. I will put much more thought into how my posts may be perceived by others. Being an "unknown quantity" here makes it all the more important!!!! I genuinely look forward to getting to know you better and hope that you can forgive my thoughtlessness.

Much love,

Jacinta.

[Tiger]

xxxzswJacinta writes:

and it was coincidence that the association needed to be finalised at about the same time, I found you guys.

Hi Jacinta,

I'm from the other side of the hall _ I'm an alcoholic but I know something about addiction and relationships.

First, when a *coincident* occurs in your life take a second look at it - it's usually God working in your life.

Secondly, don't be afraid to "vent" all you want. It's better to get it out then stuff it inside you. Your here for yourself - not any other member of EOR and I'm sure Carresa feels that way also.

Thirdly, Be grateful you didn't marry N****. Can you imagine the "trouble" you avoided? You should be grateful iinstead of sad!

In closing, let me share an "experiment" the old-timers taught me many years ago. Buy a container of milk and pour it on the kitchen floor - That's your past (children, ex's ect). Now try to wipe up all the milk and put it back into the container - as hard as you try it's impossible!

Now you have two choices:

You can stare at the spilled milk and remain miserable and unhappy or you can wipe it up and *go on with your life* a day at a time!

I suggest you wipe it up and move forward with you life as I feel God has a plan for you which ultimately will be *good* for Jacinta!

Hang In There as "This Too Shall Pass"

Luv...........Tiger

[jacinta]

Thanks Tiger,

I appreciate your post. "I suggest you wipe it up and move forward with you life as I feel God has a plan for you which ultimately will be *good* for Jacinta!" I fully intend to wipe it all up as thoroughly as possible. I am also God has a plan for me "which will be *good* for Jacinta!", and I find it reassuring for someone else to express that too!

It has certainly been a pleasure to meet ALL the beautiful folk at EOR.

Metaphorically, we had a nice cuppa (cup of tea), discussed the landscape, you warned me of what to watch out for, you shared the experiences of your own journeys and I shared mine. It was a completely enjoyable experience, stumbling across all of you, and spending that time with you.

Thank you for you wonderfully warm hospitality you have all shown me. I'm certainly not going to abuse that by wearing out my welcome. It appears that now is time, to move on. But I can't thank you all enough for the gems of wisdom you have brought to my life. (I'm glad that it was appropriate for me to briefly meet up with other "travellers", on my own personal "pilgrimage".)

I will continue to study and apply the 12-steps in my life.

I wish every single one of you ALL THE VERY BEST.

Much Love to You All,

Jacinta

[caressa]

Dear Jacinta,

No need to worry about offending me. I share because I care, and recovery is about sharing with others, so we don't have to carry the burden alone.

We are as sick as our secrets. We stay stick, when we allow things to fester inside of us. When we shre, we put things into Good Orderly Direction, and we can put some order into the chaos.