The Topic of the Week: One Step At A Time

[caressa]

TODAY is a new DAY in the free life of mine -
LORD, just like a baby "It's ONE STEP AT A TIME"
AND LORD, should I falter - "Don't let me hide"
Make me pick myself up with ONE step-not a stride.

- Dorothea M.

Originally posted: eor.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=AA&action=display&thread=999

That is how recovery works for me. I have found though that some days, I need all 12 Steps. They may all be worked one at a time, but there have been days when I needed all 12.

There was a time, I would think, "Mmmmm, what Step do I need for this." It was like I took it off the shelf and put it to use. In today and for several years, they have been a way of life. I think they are ingrained in me.

At the beginning of the day, it is the Step 1, 2, 3 Waltz. When anything comes up from my past that wasn't remembered on my original Step 4, I do Steps 4-9. For daily maintenance it is Steps 10 and 11, and Step 12, reminds me if I don't share my recovery with others, I won't keep it.

There is growth through the 12 Steps. The big thing is, once you get to Step 12, you get to start again. If you have only done them once, you have missed out on a lot. It is called Sobriety (soundness of mind). This is a one day at a time program and for me, the solution was the 12 Steps.

Even with one day clean and sober, you have a message to carry. No matter what fellowship you belong to or identify with, the 12 Steps are applicable to all areas of recovery.

[caressa]

When you seem to be up against a wall, no way to turn, no idea as to what you need to do, fear starts to creep in, and your defects of character start to make themselves known, do you stop to think, "What Step do I need in the moment?

Generally it is Step One. I am powerless, I can't, God can, and just for today, I will let Him/Her.
Then if I am honest, accepting and willing to surrender to my Higher Power, then I am ready to move to Step Two. I open my mind and heart to new concepts and ideas as to how I can change, get over the wall, go around it, or go back to where I came from and start again. Then when I realize my God is loving, forgiviing, and caring, I can put my life in His/Her Care, and allow myself to just be, without fear and other foolish thoughts that have cause my life to be unmanageable and my mind to be chaotic. I just need to find the quiet, say the Serenity Prayer and the answer will come.

Step Four is taking an inventory of what is going on in my life and got me to where I am in today. I need to take an inventory to find out what is there and bring it to the Light. Step 5 is sharing what I find, with my sponsor, clergyman, counsellor, someone who I can trust with my secrets. They say, "We are only as sick as our secrets." Steps 6 & 7 are about our character defects that make themselves known in today. I need to look at what is blocking me and preventing me from being the person my God wants me to be in today. Steps 8 & 9 are about amends. They are not about saying I am sorry, it is about changing and trying to the best of your ability to not live out in our old behaviours, attitudes, habits, and character flaws. As my sister said to me, "You were never known for your willingness." I said, "I had a lot of will, what I didn't have was healthy won'ts."

Step 10 is for living and maintaining my recovery in today. Those times I slip up and cuss, have mean thoughts, put someone down to make me feel better or in control, taking someone's inventory and being judgmental, and the list goes on and on. Step 11 is connecting to our Higher Power, building a working relationship and getting to know who our God is to us in today, letting go of old teaching and tapes and making new ones. Step 12 is sharing your discoveries along your life's journey with others. It is about practising the principles of the program in all our affairs. Taking our program out of the rooms of recovery and working it in our home, work, and the community.

The Solution for me is the 12 Steps. It doesn't matter what substance I use(d) whether in today or yesteryear, the 12 Steps are applicable.

[caressa]

Faith, I have heard is a spiritual principle of Step 3. All we are asked to do is have a little bit of faith, faith the size of a mustard seed. I have also heard willingness is too. I had to be willing to go on past Step 3 and work the rest of the program. I needed to find that faith in the program and know it would work for me.

They say it is a spiritual program and many just can't seem to realize that religion is not always spiritual, to my way of thinking far from it. I only found spirituality in one church. That is the people who were giving and caring and I felt like I was coming home. It was the hypocrisy, the cliques, the condescension, and seeing people speak one way and act another outside of the church. I went back to church in recovery at 2 years sober and left, with the occasional visit, when I felt the need or had the desire.

Many people coming into recovery are not interested in religion even if they eventually get there and that is okay. My friend use to say, they should have left out the word God in Step 2 and 3, it should read I came, I came to, and I came to believe the program would work for me.

My Osho book says that it can be spiritual doing housework although I have problems doing dishes and not always in the spirit, but I understand the concept. It is about being in the moment and enjoying and accepting it for what it is rather than what you would have it be.

I found that I got something out of any meeting or fellowship I went to. I was looking and searching. If I don't focus on the things people eat, the type of alcohol they drank and the type of drug you use, I can identify. As they say, don't compare, even within your own fellowship. I am an addict, but I have never used heroin, crack, meth, etc. I only used pot and hash once, that alone wouldn't make me an addict, but it was there, and I tried it and ended up resenting that I had lost the booze that I had drunk before I tried it. With the pot, I had been drinking since noon, and lost it at 10 p.m. It has proven to be true for me, it is the thinking behind the drug, whatever you pick up, even with relationships, gambling, and exercise. It is the willingness to give up everything in order to feed our addiction.

For me, it is the thinking in recovery that brings about a spiritual change. Acting out on old behaviours and thoughts, keep me sick and I am acting out in my disease. I had to go on a spiritual quest, to find out what my God meant to me. I found Him to be an old tape, something that was passed down to me, not something I had discovered on my own. Although I was in church, baptized, taught Sunday School, it didn't stop me from being and addict and an alcoholic.

I had to make my God personal and build a personal relationship with Him/Her. My God in today is how He/She is revealed to me in today. I don't have to go to church to find my God in today, He is much bigger than church.

Just as they say, take your program out of the rooms of recovery and apply it to your life, the same is true for church. Don't leave the teaching you learn in church at church and hang them up in the closet with your Sunday Go Meeting clothes, it is a 24 hour a day program, not a 2-4 hour program. That is where I found my faith, faith in the program and finding that it worked for me.

[caressa]

One Step At A Time, can mean different things to each individual in recovery.

For me the most important thing is, taking the words in the literature off the pages and apply them to your life. Knowing something and doing it, isn't always the same thing.

Another big factor for me is that just because I did something once, doesn't mean I don't have to do it again. This is a one day at a time program.

As it says in Step 12, as a result of working these steps..., we really don't know until we go through them, and as we heal, our minds clear, but only if I continue to work my program, which to me is the 12 Steps, no matter what fellowship I am in.

I was just addicted, obsessive, compulsive about my relationships, food, work, my computer, shopping, and my looking at my past, my family, and friends, as I was with my use of alcohol and pills.

The 12 Steps are applicable to all areas of my life, including my chronic pain. I was really upset today because there was a mix up with my medication. I went to my doctor and asked that everything be renewed. My pharmacy had phoned twice, two weeks in a row for a renewal and never got a reply back to their fax. My doctor won't be back until the 27th. I found myself very angry, hurt that people hadn't taken action or told me, so that I could take steps to get a result. As soon as I found myself so upset, I came home, made some phone calls, then I was in my chair with my crystal and doing a medication.

This medication is the only thing that has helped with my arthritis, so that means at least 6 days of pain. I refuse to take Tyenol 3s to deal with it, it would defeat my purpose in all my years of recovery. Where would it get me to take 3 a day, when I am allowed 2 and don't take them, except for extreme pain due to weather along with another scenario like over doing and not getting enough sleep.

No matter what I don't have to use. It would be good to have the medication, which allows me to be more comfortable in my skin (don't have to wear tights to hold it on), allows me to get more rest, and every fibre of my body doesn't scream at me all at once.

I would not be able to get through the next week if it wasn't for my God and this program.

[caressa]

So grateful for this program, prayer and letting go. I called the doctor's office and contacted the pharmacy, prayed and asked for help to get through without my medication.

Early this afternoon, I got a call from the Pharmacy that the doctor's office and phoned in a renewal and I was able to pick them up later.

It is so nice to be able to recognize, turn it over, ask for help, and let go. If they hadn't been renewed, I know with my God, I would have worked through it. To top it off, I didn't think I had any left, but found two tablets in a bottle, ones I felt I didn't need and had put away until such a time as I did.

I have so much to be grateful, especially this program and the Steps to Recovery, one day at a time.

[caressa]

THIS IS A PROGRAM OF REPETITION. KEEP REPEATING THINGS SO YOU DON'T FORGET.



WE MAY GO TO LOTS OF MEETINGS, AND I HAVE HEARD PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT SAYING THE STEPS AND TRADITIONS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, YET THERE ARE THOSE WHO ARE ASKED TO REPEAT THEM, AND THEY CAN'T REMEMBER THEM. HAVING SAID THAT, "IT IS BEST TO KEEP SEARCHING, BECAUSE WHEN WE THINK WE KNOW, WE FORGET TO KEEP ON SEARCHING AND LOOKING TO THEM FOR HELP."

Something I posted on another site. It reminds me, especially when I was in early recovery, thinking, "Why do we do this day in and out?"

It is because our disease never goes away. I need that constant reminder that there is a solution, and it is the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions that are my guides to a better way of life.

I love to go to a meeting where they read "How It Works." I say it along with them, it is like a prayer for me.

[caressa]

¸

Just had the thought, "This is a living program." Each day unfolds as it should when I turn my life over to the Care of my God.

Before I left home to get my hair cut at First Choice Hair Cutters, I had the thought of a woman who had done my hair a couple of times and a person my friend used before she left town. When I got there, she was not only on duty, but the only one there.

As I headed downtown, I got the thought to look to the right before I crossed with the light. If the light is red, I would have gone right, but found the sidewalk blocked with construction. I was debating Tim Horton's or A & W in my head. So I crossed the road, and as I was coming up to a restaurant called the Sunrise and I had the thought, maybe I should eat in there, I can rest while I eat before walking downtown. I said to myself, I would eat there if they had sausage on the menu, and when I stood in front of the sign, it said the special was sausage. They had homemade cabbage soup, a tossed salad, 4 links of pork sausage (my favourite) with apple sauce, two small scoops of potatoes with gravy, and sliced carrots for $10.64 with tax.

I wasn`t planning to go to the $1. Store but followed the thought with action, only to find brownie mixes for $2. and bought 3 and a plastic spatula for scrapping the bowl out after mixing. We had a few accidents with glasses, so bought 4 and two 8 in. square glass dishes to cook the brownies in. When I came out of the store a long time friend from AA was sitting on the bench waiting for her husband. I sat down and had a wee chat with her and later on I passed the two of them on my way to the bank and got to say hello to him too.

While in Denninger`s they had their Devilled Ham Spread on the shelf, it is generally not there when I go in. When things like this happen, it shows me that I am where I am suppose to be. It wasn`t because it was pay day, it wasn`t because I was running away from home and just needed the exercise, it was the Good Orderly Direction happening in my life.

When I went to the library, I didn`t find the book I was looking for. There was one book called Amythest, but didn`t know if it was the right one. What I did find was a new Janet Evanovich book that I had a hold on and I got a book from the express shelf that I don`t think I have read. They haven`t been ordering many new books and are bring back last year`s Express Books. If it is one I have read, then I have 14 others to read instead.

To top it off, when I got to the bus stop, I bus came in about 3 min. so I didn`t have to walk home. I had one woman asked me if I had bought out the stores because my walker was very heavily ladened. It is nice to be one month from your 71st birthday and have guys look, and look again. Don`t expect it at this age, thought those days were long gone. Must have been the `Michelle Obama`haircut I got, even though it was mostly covered with my black cap or my black skinny jeans that made my pharmacist comment on my skinny legs. They were always my best feature and even my son said, `Mom you should always wear heels,` but my chiropractor told me to lose them about 15 years ago.

So during today, I used the Steps during the course of the day. Did a meditation and prayer after came home and went for a 4 hour nap. My card was `Retreat`and the prayers were for my son who got his check, bought groceries and then proceed to spend the rest of his cheque on drugs.

I was aware of my pride and vanity coming out which was balanced by gratitude for the gifts of the program. As a guy told me about 15 years ago, you are well preserved in alcohol.

I owed my son an amend, and although it is his disease, and I have a right to set boundaries, it is about how I set them, my tone of voice and the words I choose to speak.

The other day I saw a guy who had stayed sober 5 years and went back out and has been back in and out several times. I saw people I knew who qualified for the program and people from my building. I have seen people who were in recovery and choose not to go there, some back using, some not, but none of them using the program. As one guy from my group told me when he relapsed, `Of all the people who found me, why did it have to be you, why couldn`t it have been one of the guys, you have a way of spoiling a good drink.` There are two guys I see in today quite often, and by the looks of them, they are not happy to see me. One left treatment and doing his thing, whatever that is, can`t be all bad, I see him having in the library and having a coffee. The other guy, had the little black bag of a dealer. It really bothers me and I had to do a lot of work on it, those who had been sober or are sober but still choose to give drugs to still suffering addicts.

One step at a time, one day at a time, life doesn`t change, I do.

[caressa]

Remember hearing in early recovery, `You need to learn to crawl before you can walk.` I know for me, all I could do was put one foot in front of the other and get myself to a meeting.

I went to a lot of Big Book and !2 Steps and 12 Tradition meetings. I enjoyed topic meetings, because I wasn`t in touch with my feelings and by going and listening to others, I was able to identify instead of compare. I had to stay away from speaker meetings because I would compare, and I stayed sick. I would think, `Well I never did that! That never happened to me, so maybe I am not an alcoholic.`

It doesn`t matter what our addiction was, we all used for the same reason. To avoid ourselves, look to other people, places and things to meet our needs and find the love and acceptance we couldn`t find within ourselves.

As soon as my head cleared, I start working a Step 10. It is a maintenance Step and it made me aware that the problem isn`t with others, it begins with me. I have a disease of perception and for so many years I played the blame game. i.e. If you had a husband like mine, if your kid was like mine, if you had my parents, you would use too. No one did a bigger number on me, than I did on myself. Step One is for all aspects of my disease. Whether it is about alcohol, pills, relationships, work, gambling, etc. the First Step is about me getting honest with me, surrendering to the fact that I need help and don`t know, and accepting what is and knowing that by continuing to work the Steps, I can change my life around.

My journey has been an awesome one. Some may think it boring and as I often say, I am the busiest person doing nothing I know. All I do is sit at my computer and share my recovery, on 3 now not 15+, read, watch some TV, cook, go out and get some sun and some sunshine when I can. I don`t get out to meetings because night air is really bad for my cough and arthritis, but I can come to sites like this and get the spiritual food I need and connect with others.

I no longer need to keep busy, make things happen, and I am alright with being alone, which is a total miracle in my recovery. I no longer have to have a man in my life, if one is there, it is because I want him there, not because I need him.

As they say, as a result of working the Steps, we find a God of our understanding, but just as importantly, I found myself. They say I can`t keep my recovery, if I don`t give it away. It is not mine to keep, it is mine to share with others, however I choose to do it. We all have different talents and can give in our own way. My favourite was always at the door of a meeting, sticking out my hand and saying, `Hi, my name is Jo and I am an alcoholic.` Just as my sponsor told me, `You are only part of a hand shake, I am only part of the whole.`

Al-Anon`s 12 Steps says, `12 Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.`