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Post by SunnyGirl on Mar 14, 2013 16:55:41 GMT -5
Rigorous Honesty
Coming into Al-Anon I learned I was going no where with my recovery without honesty. Not just your basic cash register honesty, but rigorous honesty in ALL MY AFFAIRS. Not to say I could be brutally honest (that is hurtful) but I had to learn to be completely honest myself and others and in all aspects of my life.
I had always considered myself a good wife, mother, daughter, etc... But, as I began the journey, I recognized that although I loved my addicted loved ones, I was in truth hurting them. By failing to detach with love, my "helping" them was killing them. Learning to stop making excuses for my behavior and stepping up to make these much needed changes, was when my life really began to turn around.
In reality, little white lies are not rigorous honesty! I've learned to tell the truth but to say it in a kind and caring way. Our slogan: "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" This slogan has helped me greatly on the journey.....
“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.” —Spencer Johnson
Honesty is key to our recovery, what are your thoughts??
Peace on the journey, SunnyGirl
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Post by Cherie on Mar 16, 2013 16:28:30 GMT -5
“Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility.” (P.59 12 AND12)
I am replying to my own original post, using Cherie this time around because I just love the signature gif that our very own Kathleen made for me years ago. (Just felt like I needed to let you know it was me and I was being completely honest with all.)
How many times have you had a disagreement with a friend or family member and blamed the incident on the other person. I know I have been guilty of it! Learning to become rigorously honest with ourselves and others means we have to own our part in arguments and other types of incidents . It's so easy to point the finger at others! When I get real serious and look inside me I can see that I could have done to cut it off short or ended it before it got out of control. I've had to learn to name it, and claim it, otherwise I am not being honest.
Just a thought..... Cherie
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Post by SunnyGirl on Mar 17, 2013 14:39:01 GMT -5
;D I honestly wish someone would share their thoughts on "rigorous honesty".... hugs, SG
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Post by BW on Mar 19, 2013 9:50:19 GMT -5
Thank You SG
As you mentioned it is in fact"RIGOROUS" and not brutal.. Something i heard many years ago that stuck in my heart is..."Honesty without love is brutality"
This means I need to come from a loving gentle place both with myself and with others I say what I mean, mean what I say, I just don't say it mean. There are no shades of color with honesty. If I can not say it with kind words then it need not be said.
The Big Book gives me instructions and suggests that I pause when agitated or doubtful...I refer to that as PTA.. which stands for PRAY TRUST and ACCEPT I pray and ask for direction..I trust that God will give me the right words Then I accept with gratittude the directions and words He gives me to use
Do I do this perfectly?...Heavens No...I am stil practicing as I still have an overreact that magnifies at times where I go from a nice quiet reserved [YEAH me...LOL] sweet kind lady into a raving witch with a capital B in .000009 seconds. The good news is that doesn't happen quiet as frequently as it once did since I found that pause button and discovered I thoroughly enjoy the peace and serenity within so much more
I also enjoy the happiness that honesty brings me. It is so much easier to live with myself . I don't expend so much energy trying to remember which lie I told to which person, Thank You SG...great topic
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Post by Lin on Mar 21, 2013 6:18:11 GMT -5
I had an experience with this word early in my recovery. I was asked to be a girl's sponsor. I said yes and worked hard with her. Then we had a recovery weekend and the whole weekend the topic was HONESTY. It was strange with C. She kept spending time with others and when I would try to sit with her she said she was saving a place for so and so. I got home Sunday nigh and called her on the phone. I told her al weekend I felt like so and so was her sponsor and not me. She said I was right. She had "fired" me and gotten a new sponsor but didn't tell me. I was so hurt. I should have been feeling lifted after a whole weekend of meetings and recovery but instead I felt like I had been stepped on. Her excuse was I was too moral for her to be comfortable sharing things. I guess that's not a bad thing...to be moral. But I just wish she had told me. Today she is still active in our district and area. When they have weekends and workshops she is always working on them. I refuse to go because I don't want to look at her all weekend. I usually have a second excuse like having to work, but in the back of my mind I know it is so I wont have to see C. and remember how she made me feel.
As far as rigorous honest...I think that needs to be with ourselves and our HP mostly. If I am rigorous to everybody around me I will step on toes. Perhaps that makes it brutal instead of rigorous.
Good topic!
LIN
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Post by SunnyGirl on Mar 23, 2013 14:56:14 GMT -5
You may be right Lin, rigorous honesty should always apply to ourselves.... but then again if I am not using this same type on my friends and family how do they know they can trust what I am saying?
Me, I try hard to be rigorously honest with everyone! But, being direct and totally truthful with others needs to be done in an honest and loving way!
"Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" ..... I take this one to heart!
Sending hugs, SG
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Post by BW on Dec 29, 2013 22:54:01 GMT -5
Lin...May I suggest a couple things? 1)..Try not to take it personal This says more about her than it does about you. 2) I could be wrong but it sort a sounds like a similar situation I went thru and when I looked at it honestly ...after I got tired of it twisting around in my belly and talked it over with my sponsor...she asked me "Why are you hanging onto the resentment? It is only blocking you from the Sunlight of the Spirit. What does the book tell us to do with those resentments?" When I thot about it I had to honestly admit she was right. It wasn't really the hurt anymore or the fear of running into that person ..it was me hanging onto the resentment...I mean after-all I was was being of service and that makes me special don't ya know and my sponsor burst that special bubble real quick... That is not to say we ignore our feelings...Our feelings are ours. They are real. However I have a loving God that will take those hurts and bruises and give me comfort if I just talk honestly to Him about them and be willing to let go of them. The other thing I need to realize and that I am learning is that acceptance or non acceptance as the case may be here will also block my spiritual growth. I too did not go to functions because of someone and once again my sponsor and her questions burst my bubble yet again...The questions that get me picking up that onion and peeling away the layers and getting honest and real asked me what it meant in the traditions where it says "Principles before personalities"...Ut oh...time for me to get more honest and possibly another lesson in humility too. There are folks who just don't know how, especially in early recovery, to communicate clearly or were never taught the right way to communicate what was going on..I used to run and hide from stuff I didn't want to face. Wouldn't it be important to practice love, tolerance and acceptance for others new in recovery and BE the honest example?
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Post by BW on Dec 30, 2013 4:06:20 GMT -5
Picked up one of my bedtime books and opened to this one so thought I'd share it here as well since it is on the topic of Honesty
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You are reading from the book Today's Gift
The price of dishonesty is self-destruction. —Rita Mae Brown
There once was a woman who told her husband what she thought he wanted to hear. She told him she was happy when she wasn't. She told him she liked his friends when she didn't. She tried to figure out what he wanted so she could do it for him. She felt hurt when he didn't do the same for her. She felt he should also try to read her mind and do what she wanted without her having to express it. She was scared to tell him how she really felt.
However, her pain and resentment grew so much she couldn't stand it any longer, so she told him her true feelings. He was so used to hearing her lies that he called her a liar when she told the truth. Now she knew how much she had hurt herself by trying to please him at the cost of her own honesty and needs.
Honesty is necessary for a good relationship with anyone. When we lie to ourselves, we cannot tell the truth to others. By being honest, we open our doors to others, we trust them with our true feelings, and they love us for who we really are.
Who can I tell how I really feel today?
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Post by majestyjo on Aug 24, 2019 23:48:18 GMT -5
It took me a while to get the rigorous right I take it to mean comdtrly honest forgetting nothing. No sugar coating, no omissions, no smiling Whitey's,just the simple truth. I found it to be my truth, which could change as I got more awareness . It was not about beating myself up or putting someone down. A lot was about how it was said, the tone of the voice, the body language, and the choice of the words us
It took me a long time to get in touch with my feelings and a long time too give myself permission to cry
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