Willing to admit faults/self-righteous

[majestyjo]

The other night I was talking to my friend about the dark circle under my eyes and wanting to know how to remove them. I always blamed them on having to wear glasses since I was 14 years old. I hated them, and I realized a lot of it was associated with anger.



She said, "She said tenatively, "I get that it has a lot to do with vanity." I replied, "Of course it is!" what else would it be? LOL!



Even in my old age, in can creep in, that old vanity and pride, wanting to look good and fearing what others will say or think when they see me.



I spent most of my life growing up looking for validation and affirmation, and yet there was a part of me that wanted strokes and praise for what I thought were my good points, like my dark brown talking eyes and great legs! Then sum of the parts never seemed to make up a complete package that I was happy with, or I was too please with myself (which didn't happen too often), unless I got a lot of that attention to validate something, I could seldom find within myself.



As they say pride goeth before a fall. Sometimes it was the little things, like the zit at the end of your nose when things just had to be just so! It seems like the whole world was out to get you. It was the end of the world.



Colouring my hair auburn, going into the pool at the YWCA, going to school and having a girl telling me she really liked the shade of my hair, and she sounded sarky and me thinking "b*tch!" Only later to run into her and having her say, "Did I tell you I really like that shale of plum, and going into the bathroom, to find my hair was coloured plum. The chlorine had changed the colour of my hair. My sister tried to change the colour and it came out wine. I didn't have the attitude back then to carry it off, I felt very insecure, shame, introverted, yet wanted to put on a mask and play the aggressor and put on the bravado and not let on how hurt I was.



The games we play. The games we can still play. The roles we play. The roles and masks we can still play, if we don't apply the program, take an inventory, find our true selves, and allow ourselves the freedom of recovery. It is okay to be me.



Every once in a while, I keep thinking of going back to being that blonde. I have a box still stored away. It was done at the suggestion of my son, and I think it would be nice for a change. I did it at first because my hair was about 4 different shades. When I was smoking, the nicotine made my hair an ugly colour and there was a lot of self-justification. When I first done it, it made me feel beautiful, and that was good. In today, that isn't necessary, I feel more beautiful with my white hair, that is as long as I am not having a bad hair day! :grin:



Oh what a tangled web we can weave when we practice to deceive, especially ourselves.

[Lin]

Interesting. I never thought abotu the dark circles under my eyes.

But I do know I did another 4th step a couple of weeks ago. and discovered a new defect to work on....humility.

When I first came into recover4y 22 years ago I was so broken and beaten down that I never could accept a compliment. If somebody said they li8ked my outfit I woudl tell them how old it was or how I didn't really like how it fit me. But then over the years, trying to change that, I seem to have swung the pendulum WAY the other way...if somebody says they liked my sandals I told them I liked them so much I bought them in three colors. So when I realized this, I can see where I probably appear to be bragging alot. That's not very humble. So I am working very hard to work on this one!

This seems to fall under the category of admitting faults.

LIN

[majestyjo]

Have been very lax in keeping up in this section, yet my defects of character have been very much 'glaringly apparent.' Maybe it is because I have tried to bite off more than I can chew, but I was sharing with a friend today as to how grateful I am for this site, and how if it wasn't for this site, I don't think I would be alive let alone clean and sober in today.

It was here when I needed it. I am very grateful also that material from my sites are here and that a part of me that meant so much to me, is not completely lost.

Some people may think I am being self-righteous because I post so much and think I know it all, and yet, it is far from the truth. As I go back over the posts, I see two things. The message never grows old. It is still true in today and I need it just as much in today as I did when it was originally posted.

In some areas I can see growth and in other areas I can see wear I have slipped, and I need to do some work and apply the program to that area of my life again and rethink some issues. That doesn't mean it was wrong then, some of it is new awareness. Some of it just no longer applies, and yet some of it is, "What on earth was I thinking?"

A lot of it has been about forgiveness. Forgiving myself and forgiving others, and making a decision as to whether I made the right choice to come back here. My reasons for coming back are still for the same reasons, Traditions Three and Five.

With winter coming on, I tend to be even more isolated. I needed to have a place share with other alcoholics and addicts. They say, I can't keep my sobriety unless I share it. I hope you will continue to allow me to share my recovery with you.

[majestyjo]

Here I am again, it was good to get out today to my group. I haven't been out since last week. It was really cold, and I just stood outside and absorbed the sunshine and took in the fresh air, even though it was really cold.

I think every time I have chaired the meeting at my home group, I forget something. Today I made a point of going around the room and having everyone introduce themselves, and then I forgot the announcements, which I had given to another girl from our group to read.

I am so glad, that this is progress not perfection. I just have to remember to practice, practice, practice, one day at a time.