What is Abuse?

[caressa]

I saw this in Dear Abby. This is something I wish I had seen years ago...it would have saved me a LOT of grief if I had known about these 'red flags'. Also, these warning signs can be for both genders...women aren't the only ones that find themselves in abusive relationships.


(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."

[caressa]

This reminds me that I can abuse myself and I need to look at how I am treating myself and others as well as setting boundaries and not letting others abuse me.

[majestyjo]

Drugs are but a symptom of my disease, they take many forms. The problem is me. The common denominator between all fellow ships are the 12 Steps and Traditions.



I need to take the words off the page and apply them to me.

No one hurt me more than me!  You can't know what you have never been taught.  So often we are products of our environment, and we only know what we see around us.

Substitution doesn't work, it leads to the same soul sickness.

[joeykins]

While reading this just brought back so many memories of an abusive relationship. I was in and I was co-dependent with another addict who was narcissistic and all of these red flags are apparent. He was allowed to have friends and go out. On weekends alone with his car. I take the car one day and he would have to know where I was and what I was doing or even being at work when I worked for coroner services. He called me while I was. Removing the deceased from a location Just to sort of check-in and if I told him I was working you would get irate in a matter of seconds because he was bored. I mean he would expect me to pay his share of the rent if I wanted to use the car. I had to pay half of his insurance and half of his car payment, but had limited use of said vehicle. He would be physically abusive when? I would say no or I would call him on the fact that. I found information. That prove that you've been cheating several different cases. I mean I was assaulted in front of his mother. I was once assaulted in front of another NA member so all in all Yes, the gender roles don't matter whether it be. A gay couple two males to females a male and a female. It's just less reported when I comes to you. Male on male Because just like it used to be with. Women it's he said she said or he said he said and my ex had that charm Could win anybody over? But the least real superficial fake person that I've ever met tells you exactly what you want to hear and you eat it up because that's what you need to hear. That's what you really want. You want to believe that there is a person out there that can be in love with you and loves you this much. But you kind of sell yourself short. And you get caught up in that web really quickly. Because someone that's attractive is showing you attention. Until You point out their flaws or Character defects? Then the situation changes really quickly. One point in time I brought up the cheating and his drug use and it basically ended in. Well, you know how I get when I use. So it was my fault that you cheated. It was my fault that he got upset because I brought it up. It got to the point where it was one of those live or die moments. When he grabbed a vase that was Pottery so it was Heavy it would have done some damage. And tried to hit me in the head with it. There was a point in time where? I was beaten with a metal. Floor lamp there were times when I was beaten with broom and mop handles. It was one time. We were visiting his mother. And he didn't want me to sleep in the bed with him. So he pushed me off the bed hitting me between the bed in the wall and started kicking in the dark. He thought he was kicking. My shoulders are my arms. He was actually kicking me in the head. So it doesn't matter whether you're male or female. What your sexuality or preferences? Domestic abuse is everywhere. It knows no colour. It doesn't know sex. And most suffer in silence I remember I was working for a funeral home. When the abuse started and I actually reached out to my female manager and other female co-workers and told them About the above-mentioned abuse. To which they told me that I needed to take my car or their company car when that happened at home. So whether it be at night or whatever and go somewhere public where I felt safe like a coffee shop. So rather than helping me out of that situation and calling the police on my behalf. They weren't sure what to do because at that point in time you were both employed with the same company. So they just look the other way. And when I actually came clean about my addiction with that company they put me on unpaid medical leave for 2 months. At which point? I had to get all these forms filled out saying that I was able to go back to work. Once I did that. About three months later So I was off for 3 months not making a salary. And after about two weeks back on the job they decided that they were restructuring and had to let me go. So when it came to Severance time. I only got about one month's pay because they do there. Severance percentage based on the last 90 days that you worked. I only worked 2 weeks of the last 90 days because I was on leave. Oh, yes addiction and codependency has really pause me some grief in my life. And these factors I think everybody should be taught. We should teach these types of things in sex ed to students in high school even Middle School. Because it wasn't until later in life. Late 20s early 30s that I found out what a narcissist was. I found out that people. Aren't really all that honest that's Not everyone in the world. And that's something I will never comprehend. People's lack of honesty and people's lack of good intentions or how in another post I mentioned the sick keeping the sick sick. And at this point in my life I don't care to understand that point of view lifestyle thought process. However, you want to word it. Because even in that relationship the sick kept me or made me even sicker. And because they had what they wanted and needed. Did they didn't care how sick I got As long as he got what he wanted and needed out of me at that moment.