Post by stickmonkey on May 25, 2007 0:25:50 GMT -5
"Staying Off the Drama Train"
There's a train around here, called the drama train. It has an engine
called gossip and a caboose called resentment, and it destroys NA. It
only takes one thing to start the train moving but it takes all of us
to stop it. It looks tempting, fast, shiny, and seems like it might
even be the best way to get what we think needs to be done
accomplished.
Only one thing, once in motion the drama train takes on a life all
it's own, pretty soon it isn't even going where we thought it was, it
starts crossing from track to track running over everyone in it's
path. Elusively it moves into each of our houses, patiently waiting
for us to "Hop Aboard!!" finally it has all the energy it needs to run
amuck all on it's own energy.
It owes us nothing and takes everything; trust, friendship, love,
spiritual principals all fall by the wayside as it's engine chugs
along and it's caboose shreds whatever's left.
We, the first word in all but one of our steps, are the only ones who
can stop the train before so many of us get unsuspectingly run over
and there is just a pile of destruction left in our groups. We, find
ourselves confronted by the very self-centered nature of our disease
that we are justified in our actions by some false sense of purpose or
loyalty. We can use the steps to stop the train; here's how I use the
steps to choose not to get on the train.
Step One, I am powerless over others, it makes my life unmanageable
when I attempt to impose my will on others.
Step Two, I come to believe that I can remain or be returned to sane
behavior if I live by spiritual principals and a power greater than
myself.
Step Three, I make a decision to trust my HP to care for those I love
(and those I am none to happy with) and turn their will and lives over
to him, her, it.
Step Four, I take an inventory of how I am feeling and what actions I am taking.
Step Five, I share with someone I trust and check my motives and actions.
Step Six, I accept that I am human and often fall into defects.
Step Seven, I humbly ask that my HP keep me from acting on my shortcomings.
Step Eight, I make a list of my part and become willing to make amends
(only my part, I don't own anyone else's).
Step Nine, I sweep my side of the street, own up to my own behavior
and take responsibility for my actions, amending whatever damage I
can. Then I let go.
Step Ten, I keep a daily check trying to avoid repeating the same
mistakes, reminding myself of that which is mine and that which is
not.
Step Eleven, I pray that I follow the path my HP sets out for me and
live by the principals I believe in.
Step Twelve, (and this is a biggie) I realize that of everything I may
feel or do or say, every suffering addict has a right to their seat at
a meeting. I am not God and while I may feel angry or hurt I have no
right to deprive another of recovery. I reach out to the suffering, as
best I can; which sometimes is just allowing them to sit in a meeting
without feeling they don't belong because of my actions (if they feel
that way as a result of their actions, that is for them to deal with).
That is how it works for me. I don't pretend to do it perfect, I often
fall short, what I won't do (to the best of my ability) is jump in the
fray and help drive the drama train right over the life of our
fellowship.
I don't have to co-sign behavior I think is wrong. I also don't have
to shun those acting out. Resentment spreads like the plague in NA,
quickly making the jump from the original issue to infect us all;
skewing my perception of people and reality, destroying my spirit, and
taking my ability to live in my HP's will.
Especially hard for me is when so many of the people I care about and
love are all on the drama train. I have witnessed the destruction done
to this fellowship by the drama train; addicts use, meetings die,
friendships end, and every now and then an addict dies. I, and this is
just for me, cannot justify the death of NA for the satisfaction of
being right. It scares the hell out of me, because I fear I will lose
my own friendships for not jumping on their train. I cannot live my
life like that any more. I worked to hard too long to be myself and
live within my principles and my HP's will, it's not easy, just the
only choice I have for me. I fear those I respect will not respect me
or will view me as a moral coward, yet I realize that I must respect
myself or I will not be able to feel respect ed, I must live by my
morals or I am truly a moral coward. I fear that those in pain will
reject me for not "taking sides," yet I realize that I only reject
myself if I cannot be honest with them and me.
No one ever told me that living a spiritual honest life would be easy,
they just said I might be able to survive, not use, and have some
semblance of peace in my life. So...
Just For Today I choose not to get on the drama train. I hope to see
you all at the station.
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.