~The Problem or The Laundry List ~

[SunnyGirl]

The Problem or The Laundry List

The problem: We seem to have several characteristics
in common as a result of having been brought up in a
dysfunctional family system.

• We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
  
  
• We became approval seekers and lost our identity
  in the process.
  
  
• We are frightened by angry people and any
  personal criticism.
  
  
• We either become alcoholics, marry them or both,
  or find another compulsive personality such as a
  workaholic to fulfill our abandonment needs.
  
  
• We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are
  attracted by that weakness in our love, friendships,
  and career relationships.
  
  
• We have and overdeveloped sense of responsibility
  and it is easier for us to be concerned with others
  rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too
  closely at our faults or our responsibility to ourselves.
  
  
• We get guilt feeling when we stand up for ourselves
  and instead give in to others.
  
  
• We become addicted to excitement.
  
  
• We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people
  we can "pity" and rescue.
  
  
• We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic
  childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express
  our feelings because it hurts so much. This includes
  our good feelings such as joy and happiness. Our
  being out of touch with our feelings is one of our
  basic denials.
  
  
• We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low
  sense of self-esteem.
  
  
• We are dependent personalities who are terrified
  of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a
  relationship in order not to experience painful
  abandonment feelings. We received this from living
  with sick people who were never there emotionally
  for us.
  
  
• Alcoholism is a family disease and we took on the
  characteristics of that disease even though we did
  not pick up the drink.
  
  
• We became reactors rather than actors.
  
  
• Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal is.
  
  
• We have difficulty having fun.
  
  
• We take ourselves too seriously.
  
  
• We have difficulty with intimate relationships.
  
  
• We constantly seek approval and affirmation.
  
  
• We usually feel different from other people.
  
  
• We are either super responsible or super
  irresponsible.
  
  
• We are extremely loyal even in the face of
  evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
  
  
• We tend to lock ourselves into a course of action
  without giving serious consideration to alternative
  behavior or possible consequences. This impulsivity
  leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control
  over our environment. As a result, more energy is
  spent cleaning up the mess than would have been
  spent had the alternatives and consequences been
  examined in the first place.
  
  
• We think we have more problems with sexuality
  than the general population.
  
  
• We tend to look for immediate as opposed to
  deferred gratification.
  
  
• We are overly sensitive.

THIS IS A DESCRIPTION, NOT AN INDICTMENT!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Source: Tony A. authored the original Laundry List.
It later was adopted as "The Problem" (c) 1984 by
the ACA World Service Organization in Torrance
California. The above is an expanded version, origin
unknown.

[SunnyGirl]

Styles of Distorted Thinking

• Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of the situation.
  
  
• Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you are a failure. There is no middle ground.
  
  
• Over Generalization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or other piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again.
  
  
• Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to tell how people are feeling about you.
  
  
• Catastrophizing: You expect a disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start, "What if's?" What if a tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you?
  
  
• Personalization: You think everything people do or say is some kind of a reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc.
  
  
• Control Fallacies: You feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control makes you feel responsible for the pain or happiness of everyone around you.
  
  
• Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair but are sure that other people won't agree with you.
  
  
• Blaming: You hold others responsible for your pain, or else you blame yourself for every problem or reversal.
  
  
• Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act or feel. People who break these rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate them yourself.
  
  
• Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true automatically. If you feel stupid or boring, then you must be stupid or boring.
  
  
• Fallacy of Change: You expect that others will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes and happiness seems to depend on them.
  
  
• Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities into a negative judgment. When you make a mistake, instead of describing your error, you say: "I'm a loser." If someone irritates you, you label them, "He's a louse."
  
  
• Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove your opinions and actions are correct.
  
  
• Heaven's Reward: You expect all of your sacrifices and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score.

by Adult Children Anonymous

[caressa]

Great stuff, thanks for sharing.

[majestyjo]

Just what I needed to hear.

[caressa222]

It seems so easy, but I often forget in the moment. Thanks God this program is one of practice, practice, practice.

[majestyjo]

It is so good to look at this list and be able to say, "It isn't as bad as it use to be."

So grateful for this program.