seeking approval?

[Lin]

I was jsut reading the laundry list for ACOA. It sure did have alot of similarities to my own life when I foudn recovery. The one I seemed to hit a nerve with was "seeking approval or affirmation".

That one was somethign I tried all my life. My parents never sought recovery for their alcoholism. They were not very affirming to me or my siblings. If we got a report card with all A's and one B all we heard was why didn't you get an A in THIS subject. It was like ti was too hard to compliment the GOOD parts they jsut wanted to point out the faults. The support I wanted to much from them, I never got. There is a phrase about this somethig like I had gone shopping for bread in a hardware store when I expected to get support and encouragement from an active alkie.

How did I break this in myself? One thing I did was I bought a little red book called Daily Affirmations for adult children of alcoholics. I read that book. I tried to use the ideas in my own life. I avoided hangin around with negative people. I posted little post-its around the house to myself. I also developed a talent and could take alot of pride in my accomplishments. Each night as I was falling asleep I brought to mind 3 things i did WELL that day. Some days it was a stretch to find something and it might be that both of my socks were the same color. But soon it was easier to come of with genuine things I could affirm myself over doing well. I called this list my DIDWELL list.

LIN

[SaraLee]

This is a great topic Lin. I think I finally got straight the difference between seeking approval and accepting praise from people. I like hearing others tell me I'm doing a good job, but I don't expect others to flatter me anymore.

I can look forward to hearing a few kind words about myself too, but if they don't come, I am still okay with who I am. That's when I give myself a boost with some kind words, or affirmations.

I believe that the more affirming we are about ourselves, the more we work to make it so.
SaraLee[/i]

[SunnyGirl]

( ( ( ( Lin ) ) ) )

I read this thread, when it was on the list of the
last 10 posts made and I meant to come over and
reply right away. When I procrastinate, my good
intentions go right out the window.....

I loved your "DidWell List", I would be ok with just a
"Did List"....

I think the need for "seeking approval" thrives in
many of us. "How important is it" I no longer
feel hurt or "less than" when I am not given praise
or a kind word, for a job well done. SaraLee said it
well: "the more affirming we are about ourselves,
the more we work to make it so."

Great thread..... and terriffic shares!

Hugs, ~SG~

[lala]

both of my parents are recovering alcholics but i seem to always feel like a child when im arround them my dad in his early yrs of sobriety had alot of female companions in and out of my life and with the abandonment of my mother that really affected me i think i cant seem to grasp my own identity when im arround them its wierd i just want not to feel that way cuz i am a 32 yr old woman thanks for the topic and letting me share..lala

[lildee]

Dearest lala,
Welcome. Thanks for the share. That is the wonderful part of the Al-Anon program, finding out who you really are. For me I had dominating abusive mother, fell into a rotten marriage at 15, divorced , went into the army, and then married my A. So throughout my life, I have never really known who I am. There were always other people dominating or controlling me. Now with the program I am begining to see a real person emerging from within. One with thoughts, feelings, emotions and desires. This road that we travel is not an easy one there maybe many bumps along the way, but IMHO it is a journey well traveled. Be patient with yourself. And remember to keep the focus on you, You are worth it. Love and God Bless Arlene

[majestyjo]

A good topic and one I identify with. As I have said, most of my life was spent living through other people with no identy of my own. I patterned myself after what other people thought I should do, say, think, wear, work, etc. The music I listened to, the food I ate, and always looking for affirmation and validation from others because I could not find it within myself, mainly because I didn't know I had a choice. I didn't know it was okay to be me, no matter where I was at and what was happpening in my life. As the saying goes, "Just because I make a mistake, doesn't mean I am one." My old tapes told me I was a mistake many times over.

[majestyjo]

How often did we live our life through others. How many times did we say, "If you are happy, I am happy," with no identity of our own