Night Light - June 14 - Fathers

[lildee]

Today's Reading from Night Light is about fathers.

Some of us remember our fathers with joy, some with sorrow and pain. We may feel cheated out of our relationship with him.

A wonderful relationship with our fathers is a gift, but many of us have not delighted in this gift. For those of us who have had difficult relationships with our dads the reading suggests that we look back and remember the good things about him. Keeping it in a positive frame of mind. And to remember that he was doing the best he could at the time.

A father who waits, worries, counsels and is concerned is a gift.

Do you remember your dad ? And what was that relationship like?

[lildee]

My adoptive dad died when I was five. I found him dead on the bathroom floor. He had a massive heart attack.
There were good things about him. He tried to give me all the things that I needed as a child. But there were things that happened that were not in a postive nature. He was hooked on morphine, as a result of the war. And he had many illnesses from being lost in the jungle. So having a young child around seemed to be a strain on him. I wasn't allowed to make any noise, because it would upset daddy. And if I upset him I would get the beating of my life. Which was usually the case. Some of these beatings I don't think I could ever forget. Like the time I got a whooping and was hung out a fifth floor window, while being threatened to be dropped on my head. But there were some good things I remember. His big station wagon with the wood on it. We got in it on really hot days and went to the beach to cool off.(There was no air conditioning then). Going to the park and being pushed on the swings high up in the air. Sneaking off and having ice cream before dinner. He was a good man but all his ilnessess and addictions made him into a different person.

Five years past and my mom remarried. Why I have no idea. But at any rate my step dad was shy and compleatly introverted. My mom dominated and controled him with the wink of an eye. Has was a good man quiet well educated and very conservative in his ways. He became the calm in my life when things upset my mom. Not that he protected me from my mom's beatings and abuse, but the fact that he was there curbed her aggressive ways. He quietly slipped into our lives and quietly slipped out. He died when I was 15. So for me my experience with dads is limited. Some of it was good but a lot of it was bad. Not the kind of relationships that I would choose today.

[Lin]

Oh yes..I remember my dad. he died when he was 56 from schlerosis of the liver. I was DADDY'S GIRL. I doted on him, but I was not sure why i wa so unhappy with the way he treated me. He'd embarrass me, put me down, belittle and make me feel less than. He used to love to dance and when he'd be drunk and my mom passed out, he'd put on the Glenn Miller records as loud as he could, wake me up and make me dance with his for hours. This was sometimes on a school night. I know it could be worse. Him keeping me awake at night COULD have been for more than dancing, but it never was.

On the 25th anniversary of his death my brother invited my sister and I over for a bar-b-q. We shared GOOD and FUNNY memories of him and none of the bad. He loved to talk. Loved to tell jokes. I can remember a joke for years and years. I probably got it from him.

But when he drank, he was not a pleasant person to be around. His last few years were heartbreaking. he was in and out of the hospital andseveral times in comas. He'd be all yellow and swollen and he'd swell so much his skin woudl pop. They had to tap the stomach fluid several times. He never chose recovery. He refused to stop. I was very angry at him for dying. I sure wish I'd foudn alanon before my parents died. I may have spent those last few years with them alot differently...

LIN

[caressa]

My father always seemed very easy going and after I was I was in recovery I had a dream which portrayed him as a violent man. I could not understand this because he only spanked me once.

He ruled by silence. It was the law, "Daddy is home..."

I don't remember having a conversation with my father until I was 26 years old. I am not saying I didn't, because most of my life is blanked out. He said, "You use to be such a quiet young thing, now you are making up for lost time!" I became his drinking buddy when I wasn't out partying with someone else. I could always be sure that when I got home, there would be 'more' at home.

When I got married the second time I asked him if he wanted us to move out and find our own place or stay with him. He said, "Stay!" He kicked us out at 11 p.m. at night, we came home from the Legion and he was drunk and told us to get out. I woke my son up, and called a friend and we stayed there for two weeks until we found our own place. He was a bachelor and enjoyed someone else doing the cooking, but I know he was glad of his own space when we left.

I called my father on the Monday to see if he would come and join us for Christmas dinner. He was seen going into the liquor store on Tuesday. He was found by my husband and his brother who arrived at the same time on the Friday and he had been dead for three days. His heart medication was al over the floor and the dresser. The temperature was over 80 deg. He had lost the will to die when his girlfriend of ten years was killed in a car accident. He drank himself to death. I had a resentment for many years that he didn't care when my mother passed away, and that he had more feeling for this woman who he knew before my mother passed away.

What an incidious disease this is! It takes everything, body, mind and spirit not only of those with it but those who are around it. I took it on as my own, I firmly believe we are products of our environment. My sisters don't drink, but they knew that if they did, they would drink alcoholically.

[SunnyGirl]

Do you remember your dad ?

My Mom and bio-Dad (alkie) divorced when I was
2 years old. He chose to ignore my sister and I thru
the biggest part of our lives, he attempted to reconcile
in his later years. It was just to little, to late!

Step-Dad #1 (alkie).... Was the father figure in my
life for almost 10 years. The divorce was painful for
me, I was the step-daughter and was not allowed
visitation when my half-sister went to spend vactions
with him. I remained close and would write and call
him often. I was with him when he died and felt he
knew that I loved him and him me.....

Step-Dad #2 (alkie)..... I was a teen when my Mom
married this loser. He was abusive to her, but never
me or my younger sister. It was at this point I decided
my Mom had a very clear pattern going on with selecting
husbands. I also made up my mind that I would
NEVER allow a man to treat me the way she allowed
him to treat her. She was so co-dependent, she married
this one twice......

Step-Dad #3 (alkie)..... I was an adult when she
married this man and my husband and I tried deparately
to convince her he was not what she wanted or needed
as a husband (loser). He played little or no part in
my life, only a sad reminder.... "Insanity is endlessly
repeating the same process, expecting different results"

Step-Dad #4...... At 80 years of age she has just
married for the 5th time. This man is a Christian and
attends church regularly. Mom told me she had always
prayed that God would send her a good man that she
could attend church with. Now she prays that God
will help her to hang on to him......

And what was that relationship like?

After writing all of the above, I now know I had no
relationship that was really a true father daughter
relationship. But then again, I guess it's hard to
recognize a loss of something you never had.

Honey, has always been there for the kids...... He was
not material for "father of the year" but he loves his
family and is my biggest cheerleader.....

Peace on the journey, SG

(((((Lin))))) thanks for a great topic