Parents

[lildee]

Even as adults, we can sometimes let our parents have control over our lives. A mother's off remark can bring us to tears. An unconsiderate father can make us miserable.

We must understand that we have a choice in how how we react and respond to these incidents, or our Serenity will be broken.

The only changes that we can make is within ourselves. There are times when we must just accept that this is the way these people are and move on. I have the choice how to act when I have been offened. I can lash out and let my toungue whip out some nastiness or I can choose to act differently. I can learn to discern whose remarks to take seriously. This I accomplish by implementing the tools of my program. Going to the slogans for help. How important is it? Do you want to be happy or right? Live and Let Live. Let Go and Let God and Think. If the slogans do not help me I move on to another level of the Program. I start to say the Serenity Prayer. If at all costs I feel my serenity waning, I will politely excuse myself . In other words if I can't remove myself from the situation mentally I will do it physically. My Serenity takes precedent as does my recovery.

How do you handle confrontation ? What tools do you use?

[SaraLee]

My situation with parents is a bit different. They rarely try to interfer with my life, or say things that are hurtful, at least not directly to me. What I find frustrating is their lack of interest in my life or affairs. I know some people would be glad for that, but when parents are not interested in your accomplishments, or what is news worthy in your life, or if they don't care how your feelings or never inquire about your state of health, you begin to feel like your not worthy of their time and concern.

I would often feel like it didn't matter to them who I was and often that would make me feel sad or hurt. I know they love me as much as they are capable of loving and they show me their love in different ways, but their lack of interest was something I had to learn to forgive and accept and allow them to be who they are by applying the slogan of Live and Let Live.
SaraLee

[Lin]

terrrific question! My best reply is YOU MAY BE RIGHT...or sometimes to myself DO I WANT TO BE RIGHT OR DO I WANT TO BE HAPPY? Walking away from a confrontation...saying I'm really sory you fel that way. Or i say let me think abuot this and get back to you tomorrow.

And saralee..that indifference is jsut as hard to take as the nosy interfering relatives.

Lin

[adagio]

I have a different situation that I found that I really have to watch my own reaction about. Both my parents are dead..one was my abuser, the other neglectful and made fun of me. What I have to be careful about is letting the old tapes from childhood run in my head and control my serenity, making me think that I am as worthless and useless as I was taught. What is useful to me is what I do for a hobby, writing parodies to known music. In the beginning, and even now, I would refer in my parodies to 'voices from the grave', which is what they really were...controlling me as I spoke. It is helpful to write parodies, for me...it's almost like writing in a journal. The good thing is, I put the parodies in vague terms so no one knows exactly what I'm talking about.

[Caressa2]

Dear Adagio,

I have the same problem, my parents are both deceased yet I am very aware their spirit lives on.

My father was never there when I was growing up but it was his abusive words that I allowed to play which were big contributors to my low-self esteem. "If you had a brain in your head it would get lonesome, If you had a brain in your head you would eat it, "Who asked you..." and the list went on. I had to recognize these tapes for who they were and the fact that they came from my father who was often active in his disease when a lot of them were spoken.

We are often products of our environment and he left home a 550 acre farm, to go work on the railroad when he was 14. I left home a 200 acre farm, when I was 17. Today I wish I had it to go back to, then I couldn't wait to leave.

Many of the lessons my mother taught me I had to unlearn. They say if you can learn them, you can unlearn them. The best example is my big dislike for housework and although I can do a good job when I am capable of doing it, I hate every minute of it because of my past upbringing. I have no sense of home, I would rather run away from home than be a part of it.

I am so grateful for the fellowships of recovery who taught me that it is okay to be me, that I can make my own choices, and I can work on being a better me. I am not my mother's, my father's, my husband's, boyfriend's tool to be manipulated and abused, but I can become my own person and leave all those old tapes behind. I can't live in the past, all I am asked is to be the best me I can be today.

[adagio]

Yes, I think that is where MY dislike of housework comes from. When I was growing up, I waxed floors, shopped, cooked, anything. So now, any form of housework reminds me of those terrible times. I'm like you, if I put my mind to it, I can really clean house, and cook.

[antonyeo]

Well I recently spoke with my mother about the past and all she could do was deny the past and then she when on to compare me to my cousins of the same age as if the past was at fault.

The funny thing is I have always been a more respectful, responsible person than my cousins, yet she always puts me down. I don't understand that at all.

When I spoke her recently about this all sorts of emotion came up within me that I haven't felt in years (since childhood). I eventually got tired of hearing her talk and simply hung-up the phone...in her face. I love my mother, hate her ways and at that moment I decided approaching her simply wasn't the answer; I was disgusted with her. Strangely enough I felt pretty good after that! My entire mood has eben been better since. I still worry about the future and dealing with my hellish mood swings and depression.

Is it ok to simply post my feeling ? I hope I'm not stepping on someone toes by posting here under this subject.

[adagio]

Is it ok to simply post my feeling ? I hope I'm not stepping on someone toes by posting here under this subject.

Not on mine. That seems to be the way we work it out...just talk.

[Lin]

post whatever you like antonia. This is a safe place to be. We all have felt the same things.

Both of my parents were dead, but I cant count how many times I jsut hung up on them. They said they most irrational things at times!

When i married my parents did nto approve. That's putting it lightly. (we never had a meal in their home for 7 years and then it was the funeral meal after my dad died)

About a week after I married my dad called me on the phone. He told me YOU HAVE DONE IT NOW! BECAUSE OF YOUR MARRIAGE YOUR MOM IS DRIVING HER CAR IN THE RIVER AS WE SPEAK. I hung up and drove to the river. There she was. The top of the car was jsut going under. a boated swam down and pulled her out. They decided since she was drunk they'd take her to the hospital overnight instead of to the jail. My dad motioned for the ambulnce to go on and take her. he was more worried about getting the D*** car out of the river.

That was not my problem that she got drunk and did that. But my parents still blamed me.

You ahve not stepped on my toes at all. share all you like,.
LIN