Controlling

[adagio]

This topic was posted on the Al-Anon board and I replied, but then realized that if I commented any further it would look as if I was posting on the wrong board.
This is what I posted on a topic about controlling:"I think that a lot of people, especially those who grew up in an alcoholic home, may not realize that they are attempting to control, until it is pointed out to them. We had a discussion like this in f2f and it was generally agreed that we don't always know. I usually have to conciously go back in my memory today or beyond and discover ways that I may have been trying to control. It's usually circumstances, because they lead to old pain " then I was going to say that the old pain that we felt is usually something to be avoided at all costs, even if we know that feeling the pain again will eventually lead to us feeling better about it. We will scurry around trying to fix things (circumstances) not realizing that we are in reality just trying to lessen our own pain.

[Lin]

I totally agreed with you and I jsut posted on the alanon baord as a reply.

I know I don't like it very much when another is trying to control ME. So I keep that inmind and it helps me back off from that need.

Controlling and manipulating jsut does not work.

LIN

[SaraLee]

Great post anagio. It is hard to recognize when we're controlling sometimes because it becomes a habit. Coming from a very controlling family who strived for perfection and of course never made it, I also wanted everything to be just right according to how I saw the world.

In my relationships I thought that if everyone would just do things like I thought they should be done, then my life would be perfect. Often I didn't look at my part in it all, only looked to others to make my life comfortable and easy. Often I didn't look at other people's lives either and what they were striving to accomplish. I sure put a lot of burdens on other people.

I'm going out of state this week to visit my daughter and asked my hubby to join me a day later on his two days off. He is reluctant to go for his own reasons. I gave him all the "appropriate" reasons why it would be so delightful if he joined me. I didn't want to try and control the outcome but wanted to make my feelings known to him. Now I need to let it go and let him make his final decision because I don't want to be a nag or try to control what he does.

It can be hard to determine where the line is sometimes but one way I have found is if the other person gets uncomfortable or looks like they may get angry, then I'm crossing the line between asking and demanding.

[adagio]

This was a good definition, SaraLee


It can be hard to determine where the line is sometimes but one way I have found is if the other person gets uncomfortable or looks like they may get angry, then I'm crossing the line between asking and demanding.

[usdupn02]

Saralee just described my controlling habits and reasoning to a tee!!

I often don't realize I am doing it until after the fact when I go "Oh geeze! I did it again"! I've gotten so good at manipulating, they I often camaflauge what I am doing from myself.

Thanks for the posts and the thread!!

Janet