12-step program necessary?

[antonyeo]

I keep hearing about the twelve-step program and dealing with addiction but I have no addiction to a substance. Does it matter? Do I still need to complete a 12-step program? The biggest problem I have is depression. There are just some days or times during a day that my life feels worthless, very much the way I felt as a child. My father was/ is an alcoholic, but I haven’t been around him for over 10-years. I guess those feelings and emotions that I experienced in my youth have been deeply ingrained in my self. I have a great life, good flexible job, caring wife and son, but I’m nearly always unhappy. It just doesn’t make very much sense! I constantly question my life and where it’s been and where it’s going, I question my love for my wife and all the decisions I make from day-to-day.

The really strange thing about this whole problem is when I was a child I dreamed of getting away from my parent and living a better life yet I’m so unhappy and they are not around. I’m starting to realize all the time I have wasted in previous years basically going around in circles and making the same mistakes twice and more. Failed relationship, debt and just making bad decisions. Please tell me this gets better…or will I have to walk around the rest of my life analyzing my every emotion for problems in my past?

[~graced~]

I didn't start out my healing by involving myself in a 12 step ACOA group. There were none around in the area where I was living and although I recognized it as problematic, I had no real desire to make that the focus of my life. I actually pooh-poohed the idea that there was healing to do--cuz my father had since died and I really didn't have to buy those messages I'd been given so many years back. The problem was, I DID buy into them and had established some really distorted ways of looking at life and dealing with life circumstances. Not unlike you, I couldn't quite put a handle on moving forward and how to heal, despite being determined that I wouldn't let it rule my life. My determination was great....only I had no plan, no means of moving forward....no real tools to use.

I had a great psychologist friend who handed me a book by Claudia Black entitled "It won't happen to me". Later, I picked up her workbook entitled "Repeat after me". Great stuff....it got me looking at the problem in a different light and gave me some solutions to practice, work to do to undo some of the damage and a way to focus on making some changes and learning about ME. You might want to spend some time in your local bookstore for workbooks or materials which you feel could help you--having a therapist well versed in ACOA issues wouldn't hurt either. Mine was a smart one--he gave me material to read and snagged me into looking at my life in a pretty nonthreatening manner. And boy, was it an awakening!

It wasn't until months of therapy addressing some of the issues that I inquisitively stuck my nose into the room where an ACOA meeting was being held. I immediately discounted it because I was already working a 12 step program of recovery and figured I'd simply apply those steps and live happily every after. What I'd forgotten or perhaps 'dismissed' was the healing power of the "WE". I didn't have to be alone in the journey, I could gleen help through other's experiences...I didn't have to continue fumbling in the dark alone, I didn't have to reinvent the wheel and I could have my own personal cheering squad--something I sorely needed because progress wasn't moving as quickly as I wanted it to.

Honestly, I'd qualify for just about every 12 step meeting around today...LOL....well, save the one for chocolate addicts! I'm compulsive and sometimes obsessive, I've tried the gambit of drugs and alcohol the world had to offer, I've had to deal with the depression, the eating disorder, the failed relationships, the controlling, the disassociation from feelings and the overall despair wondering if this is all there is! Coming from the alcoholic household, I learned and spent a whole lot of time unlearning thinking, patterns of behavior, poor boundaries, impulsive decision making--geeze, you name it, seems I've had to go there and do that. It was a welcomed thing to stumble into a room to find people LIKE me, working to become free and find a degree of serenity and peace that had alluded them their whole lives. I was one of them....I'm glad to say I got into the solution and I've found a new life.

Nope, it's not required that you show up for a 12 step group in order to do some healing. I can only share that I didn't start there, but that's where my feet eventually landed. Curiosity at first...kindred souls making the journey with solutions that I didn't have to invent on my own has proven to be a priceless experience.

Good luck on the journey...it's been a glorious, freeing one for me. Hope to see more of you around the board, Antonyeo--it's not required for you to be in a 12 step group to stick around with the winners at EOR!

[lildee]

Dearest Antonyeo,

All I can offer you is my ESH. I went through life with many of the same feelings as you. You do not have to have an addiction to a substance to be in a 12 Step Program. I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol or any of those things. A 12 Step Program such as Alanon, Naranon, ACOA or CODA, offers us a chance to change our ways. To change our thinking. To change our lives. Working through the 12 Steps has offered me the opportunity to deal with issues from the past and put them to rest. I too went through a period of depression. I went to see a doctor and his answer was taking a zillion pills and working through my problems. I tried it for 2 or 3 days and all it got me was numb and sleepy. It didn't help with my depresssion. I felt even worse. I quit the pills and went head long into working my program. As you will see when you work the steps you will have the opportunity to bring up all of the past problems, resentments, guilts, fears and so on. I was able to hash them out, sort them in my mind, deal with the feelings and close the book. The best part of doing this is there is no one to judge you, there are no fears of reprisals, you just say what you feel in your heart. Once you are able to release all this "baggage from the past" you can begin to live. You will learn how to act and not react. You will learn about the spirituality of the program. For me the 12 steps has made me a better person. And yes it does get better. There is a new sense of freedom, as if a great burden has been lifted from you. The biggest part of working this Program is being honest with yourself. I shed plenty of tears working it but in the end I had dealt with issues that were stuffed down for way too many years. I wish you the best on your choices.

God Bless
Arlene