Common Charateristics of ACOA's

[antonyeo]

Characteristics of ACOA

Janet Geringer Ph.D list several characteristics that are commonly shared by ACOA. I thought it might help to open communication a little and talk about these issues that many us may share. So here they are and by the way I have experience nearly all of these characteristics.

1. ACOA’s guess at what is normal
2. ACOA’s have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
3. ACOA’s lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. ACOA judge themselves without mercy
5. ACOA’s having difficulty having fun.
6. ACOA’s take themselves very seriously.
7. ACOA’s have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. ACOA’s overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. ACOA’s constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. ACOA’s feel that they are different from other people.
11. ACOA’s are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible
12. ACOA’s are extremely loyal even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
13. ACOA’s are impulsive. (Lock self on course of action without give proper consideration.

Can anyone share?

[Lin]

I can relate to most of these. 8 & 9 are the worst that I can relate to.

I can't count the times i wnt into a tailspin over soemthing that was out of my control. If i had signed up for a class andplanned to take it and jsut before time for it they class closed because not enough signed up, i went NUTS. I worried over how I'd get that class...when and where. If i planned a meal and told everybody to be there at a certain time and we'd eat at a certain time and a few did not arrive until after the time, I was not very polite about them being late. Lots of similar things happened to me over the years.

Last year I planned a birthday dinner in Feb for a family of 12. The salads were made, meat and break bought, fruit and veggies ready. The night before, we had a blizzard. It closed many highways. The Louisville part of the family was snowed in...roads closed for ice storm. The Indiana side of the family had ice and none were experienced at driving on it. NOBODY could come. What did I doo about all that food? I called my best freind and my sister. They brought their families over. We had our dinner and watched a movie. it was great. Instead of the panic I used to ahve i found a suitable PLAN B. This shows me how much i have grown.

#9 is seeking approval and affirmation. I never got much of that growning up. Instead I got criticism. So when I was in another situation such as school, camp, music lessons, scouts, etc. I was constantly asking somebody if they liked what I did or was that good. Today i have learned with positive afffirmations that I dont ahve to have approval from others. i I like it, it's GREAT. If I'm not sure if I like it, I tell myself what i DO like about it and can tell myself i am good and worthy and I do good work. it's like if nobody pats me on the back I can do it myself.

thanks Antonio!
LIN

[~graced~]

Can I relate! Just about everyone of those fit the mark for me. I was chronically the 'over responsible' child. I hadn't a clue what an intimate relationship was and I was forever trying to remain in some delusion of 'control'. Loyal was my middle name--you wouldn't talk bad about my circumstances or my father, PERIOD. It was all about how it looked to the world around me and I endorsed those three rule that are born out of alcoholic/dysfunctional households--don't talk, don't trust and don't feel. I knew I was different from the world around me and I was pretty darn hell bent on keeping it appear 'normal', though I didn't have a clue what that was. I think I had to run it til the wheels fell off on just about every listed characteristic that's listed.

I'm still working on it today. Setting boundaries, setting realistic goals vs. unobtainable ones, learning to say 'yes thank you I'd like to HELP do that'...it's all been a process.

As an ACOA I've had to 'unlearn' some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms and fight to establish my own thoughts, my own ways of reconciling differences. I didn't have a clue how to do that. Ignoring problems, hiding them and hoping they weren't noticed was a big deal in our household. It was all about how it appeared to the community at large--hence secret keeping was a must and trust was forbidden.

That saying that we're only as sick as our secrets rang pretty clear for me. It was clearly 'family business' what went on in the household--telling the truth could be catastrophic and would be branded as disloyalty. Talking wasn't seen as an option. That 'don't talk, don't trust, don't feel' method of operation is a pretty powerful one.

"Normal" to me was what occurred in the household. The host of sick behaviors that were happening in the household WERE normal to me. Didn't all folks drink after work, go downtown on a Friday night to loosen up after the work week? Didn't all families deal with problems as a unit, barring involvement from strangers--wasn't it normal to have 'family matters' that were simply the family's to deal with? It wasn't until I started getting out in the world that I realized there was something 'wrong' with my father's drinking and abusive nature. The solution wasn't to seek help, it was to bury it deeper so it wasn't seen. Shame worked well, and hiding the problem from the world around me became my mission.....Going to friends houses for the night became a solution--inviting them to the house for an overnight wasn't an option, ya just never knew what shape dad would be in.....folks would know and bad things would happen(of this I was convinced!). Oh, the things I did to cover the problem, the lengths shame worked in me to keep the family 'secret'.

Even as a young adult, there wasn't a whole lot of talk about dad's drinking. It was a taboo conversation, one that got hushed over and over and over again. My father opted to stop drinking and shortly thereafter died of heart failure--his last well kept secret was the cancer that had spread through his body. We all 'knew' that all wasn't right with him....we'd asked and although we were dissatisfied with his answer we were well indoctrinated in those three little rules, we let it go. We didn't trust his answer, we didn't bother to discuss any feelings about his obviously declining health, and we certainly didn't talk about it. The discussion had been closed. And so was the final chapter of his life.

One day at a time, it's been about freeing myself to talk about those things that happened in the family. I've needed to take a long hard look at ME and what quality of life I wanted to live. Intimate relationships became problematic over and over again, picking up and embracing my potential for alcoholism and making that a reality under some false belief that "it won't happen to me" happened and the bottom fell out of my world. While I struggled to come to grips with my own insanities, it was clear that the rules in the home were deeply ingrained and needing to be challenged. And a day at a time, they get undone. It's been a freeing and healing process....one that's been worth the journey.

Great list to share with folks here! Made me reflect back and become grateful for the work that's been done to date and helped motivate me to keep moving.

Thanks, Antonyeo!

[adagio]

I know that I used to fit all of the characterisic's that you listed, Antonio, except #3. And for number 1, that made me feel the saddest. I so much did not know how to be normal that I used to pathetically ask people how to act. They, of course, misunderstood and thought I was just asking about what to wear.
All this time, I was the super-responsible one of the family. I still just have to show up extra early for anything just in case of traffic, car breaking down, weather, etc.
Very good topic!!

[lildee]

Hi antonyeo,

Just like many of the previous posts, I fit into most of the categories.

#1 normal ? What the heck is that? My life wasn't normal from day one. Being adopted into an unloving, uncaring home.

#2 Following through with a project - Still reminds me of when I had a puzzle laying under my bed waiting to be finished for years.

#3 Lying - well this is about the only one I don't qualify for. I had so much lying in my home, that I detest it and have gone the opposite direction. Always telling the truth.

#4 Judging self - "i am big , fat , ugly and so on." Being in the kind of environment I was in there was no room for me to build up any kind of self -esteem. So I would blame myself for all of my flaws.

#5 fun- There was no such thing in my house or very little of it. Which in turn led to poor social skills and fear of being in a group. Worrying that I was always the outsider and different.

#6 Seriousness - not sure about this one. I guess I run to the serious side, probably from all the lies I have been told???

#7 Intamite relationships - Wow now there's a biggy. There was no feelings of love or caring in my home. As a result "I went looking for love in all the wrong places." Mistaking sex for love, and tramping around. Bad choice.

#8 Overreact - Hey that's my middle name !!! Some of the smallest things could tick me off and I would yell and scream like a total lunatic.

#9 Approval/affirmation - When you live in a home where you are constantly put down and belittled I sought approval/affirmation anywhere I could get it. The self - esteem is compleatly shot. And you feel worthless. So I looked else where for feelings of comfort.

#10 Different - Yep you bet. From the day I was adopted. And all the kids in my neighborhood didn't let me forget it. I was bigger, taller and different. And unaccepted.

#11 responsible/irresponsible - I went to the responsible side of this one. I had to take control. No one else was going to do it so I had to do it.

#12 Loyal - Ahhh This is one that bugged me for years. You are "supposed" to be loyal to your family, at least that is how I was taught. But that loyalty only came back to bite me in the butt. These were people that couldn't care if I was dead or alive. This was a tough one for me to get through. So now my loyalties are well thaught out.

#13 Impulsive - yep to a tee. Eating weird foods that would later make me sick, buying clothes that I later hated, going out with men who were bad for me. Just generally being wild.

As I sit and go through each of these it is almost like doing a Step four again. And I feel good about it. Because after being in the Program and working through these issues I don't have these characteristics anymore.

#1 normal - Still not sure what that is, but my life now has a sense of balance and serenity.

#2 Finishing things- Things now get done.

#3 Lying- no problem

#4 Judge self - I am who I am and I accept myself with all my flaws and imperfections.

#5 Fun - With my new sense of self it is good to go out and have a bunch of good clean fun.

#6 Seroiusness- Now I can sit back and laugh at myself.

#7 Realtionships - Better, more intense, more communication, more caring.

#8 Overreacting- Big change little things don't tick me off like they used to. Water rolling off a ducks back.

#9 approval - I am me, I am good, I am God's child.

#10 different- Being in Program has shown me that I am not so different from a lot of other people.

#11 responsible- Now I try not to carry the whole burden of the world on my shoulders, I share resposibility with others.

#12 loyalty- Loyalty is still there, but now it is deserved.

#13 Impulsive - not anymore, calm and at peace with the world.

Yep the Program has changed me, for the better. I can now deal with life, love and living, with a sense of spirituality in my heart.

[antonyeo]

Wow, thank you all for the replys. Like I said I am or have experienced all of these characteristics. I still don’t know what normal is in many cases. I find myself faking it a lot or copying what other people do. Sometimes I fool people sometimes I don’t but I never fool myself so…

Difficulty following a project from beginning to end. I have always had this problem and on occasion I have finished a project, and when I do, it’s flawless (to everyone except me)! But it’s rare that I finish a project and approve of my efforts. I have learned that its not that I’m lazy or a procrastinator, the problem is guidance. Any project regardless of size I must put it down on paper step by step. It’s amazing how well this works for me!

I lie about things for reason that I don’t even understand but I’ve learned I do that to keep people thinking I’m ok or normal. That’s really sad when you think it.

Yes I judge myself without mercy, If I do something wrong I tend to call myself names (I.e. stupid, moron). It never occurred to me until recently how destructive it is to do so. If I make mistakes that other people make I feel ok. Go figure.

Perhaps the saddest thing on the list for me is that I don’t know how to have fun”. This particularly bothers me because of my sense of humor or what I call my private sense of humor. I could make anyone laugh, anyone that knows the real me would tell you that. Put me in front of people outside of my closest friends (by the way I don’t have many) and I’m as quite as a mouse. Don’t get me wrong I love to laugh and really enjoy when I make others laugh but I just withdraw from the crowd.

I take myself very serious and rarely enjoy what I have in life. I really don’t know what the point of living is much of the time. I’m always headed somewhere or doing something. Many of these things turn out to be a waste of time, but I take it serious even when it’s supposed to be fun.

Having difficulty with intimate relationship is probably the worst on the list. I have had failed relationship after relationship. The funny thing is I always worked hard at being the perfect partner (which is impossible by the way). I have always been the one abandoned. I have never and I mean never approached a woman to pursue a relationship, they have always pursued me, to some men this is a pat on the back but to me it simply meant I have low self-concept. I still do today. When I’m given a compliment (And I do get them quite a bit) I simply don’t believe what I’m hearing. I think people get sick of trying to convince me I’m worthy. And let’s face it people with low self-concept are a turn-off to the opposite sex. It works for a while, but it really destroys the chemistry between people when they can’t feel good about each other. I have lost some pretty good relationships, and it still hurts when I think about why they went wrong.

Well to cut it short I’ll say these 13 characteristics all apply some more than others. When I first read the list it sounded as if the author was a spy in my life.

It’s great that we know these things about ourselves, but having a knowledge of these problems in no way cures the pain that they cause. Darn! But I think it's a start.

[Lin]

Good observation Lildee..that it is like a mini 4th to see the growth. You've come a long way in a year!1

And graced...what an awesome share. I lvoe to hear what you ahve to say.

{{{{hugs}}}}
LIN

[adagio]

Lin...I didn't think about it before, but I agree with you and lildee...this is a mini 4th step. I see stuff on there that I originally thought about myself and, seeing them, realize that they are gone now. That doesn't apply to every characteristic, but enough of them to realize that there is definite progress being made here.

[usdupn02]

I've debated making a reply to this thread because I don't consider myself an ACOA. My parents were not addicts however my mother was very over-bearing and nothing was ever good enough for her. Reading this list I see many, many characteristics that I exhibit and consider that this could also be a list that applies to co-dependants also.

Janet

[Lin]

I jsut noticed.. I replid to graced and lilde about their share and at the same minute I was posting, antonio was posting a wondeful share. I missed it when I came back later because i started at my reply reading. Sorry antonio! You are so right..recognizing we fit in these categories does not make them get better. But it is definitely a start. it took us a very long time to get the way we are and it won't get changed overnight.

I really appreciated your heartfult share and the post. Keep coming back!

On another note, I chair ACOA here at EOR tongiht. I had a topic picked out and came to this section to psot it and decided to read this thread fromstart to finish and see if I was inspired. I have decided to chair the meeting tonight on the topic listed in number 10. FEELING WE ARE DIFFERENT FROM OTHERS.

Janet, you are welcome to reply. Our opening tot he EOR meeting on Sunday nigth says ACOA and other dysfunctional families. My grandparents were not drinkers at all. But they were quite overbearing andhad so many characteristics of Alkies. The disease can skip generations. And ethe children of alkies pass things on to their children. My husband and I are both ACOA, so often I think that's the reason we never were able to have kids.

I hope many of you will join us tonight!

LIN

[caressa]

Some good sharing. It is always good to go back and look at old posts.

[majestyjo]

So glad I found AA before I went to an ACoA meeting, I might have died as a result of my denial. I could say "Yes" to all these questions. The good thing is that things are better than they use to be and God and I are still working on them, one day at a time.

[majestyjo]

Still an adult child living in an old ladies body.