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Post by majestyjo on Dec 17, 2016 21:15:48 GMT -5
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Post by majestyjo on Jan 3, 2017 0:37:34 GMT -5
I am 73 years old and I have so many unanswered questions!!!! I still haven't found out who let the Dogs Out...where's the beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same, or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop......why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton... Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors... i still don't understand why there is Braille on drive up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word; or why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ....and what would you do for a Klond**e bar and you know as soon as you bite into it it falls apart...and Why do we drive on Parkways and park on Driveways? do you really think I am this witty?? ... I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, uncle's cousin's, baby momma's doctor who lived next door to an old class mate's mail man...Now it is your turn to take it from me...Peace!!
Copy and Paste, change the age, and enjoy your day!!
Too funny not to post.
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Post by majestyjo on Jan 14, 2017 22:39:43 GMT -5
Snagged from Bluidkiti:
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia!
What's ice?
Skid Stuff!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around? By icicle!
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite
Some potty humor:
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
Did you hear the fart joke?
It stinks!
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Post by majestyjo on Jan 14, 2017 22:40:32 GMT -5
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Post by majestyjo on Jan 18, 2017 22:46:28 GMT -5
Oxymorons: A figure of speech composed of two contradictory words.
Jumbo Shrimp
Same Difference
Pretty Ugly
Only Choice
How do you prevent water from coming into your house?
Stop paying the water bill.
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Post by majestyjo on Jan 18, 2017 22:47:13 GMT -5
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Post by majestyjo on Feb 15, 2017 17:07:20 GMT -5
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Post by majestyjo on Mar 16, 2017 18:26:44 GMT -5
My Forgetter Author Unknown My forgetter's getting better But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say, "What am I here for?" I rack my brain, but all in vain A zero is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "Who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke.  |
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Post by majestyjo on Mar 25, 2017 7:44:16 GMT -5
Hospital Routine (Author Unknown) "We want to take you in for tests," Sounds innocent enough. I thought of bed-tray meals and rests - And all that pampered stuff. I brought a pretty robe, to start, Packed book and magazine. And settled down to be a part Of hospital routine.... ** H-E-L-P ** Sip this, chew that, gargle, swallow. Breathe in, breathe out, focus, follow. This side, that side, poke and probe. (So much for the pretty robe.) Flex your muscles, make a fist. Bend your elbow, turn your wrist. Veins for sticking, tubes for feeding. (So much for leisure reading.) Up and down and out and in, There's no place they haven't been! ** W-H-E-W ! ** Home has never looked so good Or family so dear. Back to Wife-and-Motherhood; I'll recover here.  Smiling, I had chest pains yesterday and told someone that there was no way I was going into the hospital. I had pains in my arm too, but also in my shoulder so figured it was Fibromyalgia. After the intern said, "What are you doing here? We are busy, and there is nothing wrong with you," I tend to discount going to the hospital in case they keep me there or they send me away and say there is nothing wrong. I don't want them to give me a pill, I want them to take away the ones my doctor(s) have me on. |
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Post by majestyjo on Mar 31, 2017 17:44:34 GMT -5
Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Movies
1. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
2. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
3. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
4. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
5. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
6. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
7. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
8. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
9. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place -- no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
11. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Plus, you can drive for at least 10 seconds without looking where you are going.
13. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
14. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
15. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building.
Originally posted at bluidkiti.com
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Post by majestyjo on Apr 18, 2017 20:03:16 GMT -5
Fee
Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen.
Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done. As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.
The two men demanded $50 for this service, stating it was not in their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them.
As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van. I told them my fee: $50.
Snagged from Tammy
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Post by majestyjo on Apr 24, 2017 21:46:30 GMT -5
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Post by majestyjo on Apr 29, 2017 20:15:38 GMT -5
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Post by majestyjo on Jun 6, 2017 18:15:09 GMT -5
The Workout
The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper.
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head.
Add fuel to the fire
Put my foot in my mouth
Kneel in prayer
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.
What a Workout!
Rest At Last.
Snagged from Tammy
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Post by majestyjo on Jun 6, 2017 18:26:05 GMT -5
The Workout
The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper.
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head.
Add fuel to the fire
Put my foot in my mouth
Kneel in prayer
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.
What a Workout!
Rest At Last.
Snagged from Tammy
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Post by majestyjo on Jun 21, 2017 18:54:30 GMT -5
Giving a Pill to the Cat The vet prescribed daily tablets for our geriatric cat, Tigger, and after several battles my husband devised a way to give her the medication. It involved wrapping Tigger in a towel, trapping her between his knees, forcing her mouth open and depositing the pill on the back of her tongue. David was proud of his resourcefulness until one hectic session when he lost control of both cat and medicine. Tigger leaped out of his grasp, paused to inspect the tablet, which had rolled across the floor, and then ate it.  |
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Post by majestyjo on Jun 25, 2017 16:26:16 GMT -5
 Don't know why they have winter in June. I think it is a repeat; but still funny to me.  |
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Post by majestyjo on Jun 30, 2017 20:51:53 GMT -5
DRIVING MISS CRAZY
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through it.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we went through a red light!"
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again she went right through it. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it!
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just went through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh dear, am I driving?"
Thanks Tammy.
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Post by majestyjo on Jul 25, 2017 0:26:25 GMT -5
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Post by majestyjo on Aug 4, 2017 22:37:18 GMT -5
 I think this is a rerun but it still makes me chuckle. |
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. I will be back looking for Lin and others.
Jun 20, 2021 7:32:46 GMT -5
. I will be back looking for Lin and others.
Jun 20, 2021 7:32:46 GMT -5