Smiles and Chuckles!

[majestyjo]

Did you hear about the two guys who get shipwrecked? They end up on a deserted island with no food or fresh water.


One guy is in despair, "We're going to die!!" The other replies, "Don't worry. I make $100,000 each week." His companion says, "What difference does money make? We're going to starve!"


The other answers, "You don't understand. I earn $100,000 each week and I tithe. My pastor will find us."


--------

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son.

Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

--------

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb squarely on top of the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "Don't bring my meal with your hand on my steak!"

"What," says the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?"

[majestyjo]

[majestyjo]

Growing Pains

When my daughter, Brittany, was 4 or 5, she was having some "growing pains” in her legs and needed to take some aspirin. She had the bottle and was trying in vain to get it open while I changed her baby sister's diaper.

I saw her frustration and explained that it was a childproof cap and I would have to open it when I finished.

Eyes wide with wonder, Brittany asked, "How does it know it's me?"

=====

You're Not a Kid Anymore When

You consider coffee one of the most important things in
life.

You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks
into the room.

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.

The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

You're proud of your lawnmower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't
breaking any laws.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

Your car has four doors.

You routinely check the oil in your car.

You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into
style TWICE.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."

You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next
to it.

You write thank you notes without being told.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

- according to Jeff Foxworthy

=====

Baby Boomers - The 60's and revisited in 2016

Then: Long Hair.
Now : Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now : The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now : EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now : Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now : Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now : Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children and grandchildren.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now : Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Paar.
Now : AARP.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now : Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now : Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now : Calling the principal's office.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now : Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now : Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"
Now : "Depends"

[bunnypie]

These are great!!! thanks for sharing......

[majestyjo]

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. " Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"One hundred fifty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, one hundred fifty dollars a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."

It's always better to get a second opinion.

[majestyjo]

Saw this and thought, "When the cat's away, the mice will play."

[majestyjo]

[majestyjo]

Laws of the Natural Universe



Law of Biomechanics: The severity of any itch is inversely proportional to the reach.



Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.



Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.



Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.



Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.



Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.



Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.



Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.



Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

[majestyjo]

OK so the Olympics were fun and its all great seeing various clips of back stories etc but i never thought i would find any reporting i enjoyed. But this one i could not resist (re)posting.

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Start the day out with a smile and have a great one!!

Received with thanks from my friend Linda

[majestyjo]

Funny Sayings

- They say money talks. Well, my money used to talk, then it whispered; now it just sneaks off.

- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

- Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?

- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in what happens to the other penny?

- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

- Did Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

- Why is it that if someone tells a man that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, he will believe them, but if they tell a man a wall has wet paint, he will have to touch it to be sure?

- If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

- Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

- What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

- If it were to be true that we are only here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

- No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

[majestyjo]

Have seen this before, still 2 2 funny.

Clifford and Daisy May were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ol' woman!!"
Neighbors feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared.
He died at the ripe old age of 98.
After the burial, Daisy May's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
She replied, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."

[majestyjo]

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

============

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

[majestyjo]

Labels

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals. Forget calling them "Veal Parmigiana" or "Turkey Loaf" or "Beef Pot Pie."

If you look in my freezer you'll see "Whatever", "Anything", "I Don't Know", and, my favorite, "Food". That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I'm certain to have what he wants."

[majestyjo]

Denial keeps us sick. I look in the mirror and I see old, but most days, I don't feel it, unless I can't think and work through my pain.

[majestyjo]

[majestyjo]

[majestyjo]

Love it, played bridge with some ladies today and we all agreed we wanted new hands. They say a woman's hands tell her age.

[majestyjo]

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

**********

How did The Great Pumpkin fix a hole in his pants?

With a pumpkin patch.

^^^^^^^^^^

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

----------

Dictionary Definition

Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer. 2. a four footed allergen. 3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist. 4. a small, furry lap fungus. 5. a treat-seeking missile. 6. a wildlife control expert. 7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes. 8. a hair relocation expert. 9. an unprogrammable animal.

[majestyjo]

THE STORY OF MY LIFE!!!

[majestyjo]

Thanksgiving Blessings

All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren.

Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all he!! broke loose and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls.Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face.

When asked what was the matter, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."