Question

[adagio]

I have a question that maybe some can answer. I'm a bona fide Al-Anon, with a brother who actively drinks, but I don't see him.
The one ACOA f2f that we have is meeting 2 times a month, the last I heard. I used to go to mainly that meeting...even though there were only about 4 of us.
Now I go to another meeting...just Al-Anon, and I get a lot out of it, but I feel out of place. First of all, I have an ACOA background (my father drank and abused me), and 2nd...my huband, although verbally abusive and emotionally abusive...does not drink that much. So in the meetings, when everybody is comparing their present life, I feel very out of place.
Does it take just time (I've been in for 1 yr. and 1/2), or is there something I should speak up about?

[adagio]

P.S. My online sponsor says that someone does not have to drink to have alcoholic behavior.

[lildee]

Hi adagio,

As for feeling out of place at the Alanon meeting, it is quite possible. I attended a local meeting for several months and was uncomfortable there. The majority of the group was 60+. (I am in my 40's). Not that age should make a difference, but the group also seemed very cliquish. As if I was an intruder there.

Then I also tried a Naranon meeting where the only thing that anyone talked about was the problems of the addict, and not focusing on those in the group.

Each group is comprised of a different kind of person and that is what makes each group unique.

I know the same is true on the other side of the fence. My hubby travels over an hour to get to one particular group because there is a lot of ESH there.

There are a couple of options open to you:-

1)you could bring this issue up within your group and see if there is any response to it.

2)you could try a different group

3) you could stay where you are and say nothing and just take what you need from the meeting.

For me I chose a different group younger more vibrant more involved with their recovery.

You have to choose where you feel the most comfortable and get the most for your recovery. IMHO.

Hope this helps.
Arlene

[adagio]

It does help. I brought it up tonight and everyone had their own version of it. Additionally, some guy said that if we are not addressing everyone's needs (no, I did not complain about what I was feeling...he just happened to think of it), then we aren't working the 12 steps. I felt more like I was a part of the crowd tonight, which is fortunate, because it's my favorite meeting. I, even though sometimes feeling out of place, do get a lot of ESH there.

[~graced~]

I guess I'd share with you that you're not alone in feeling somehow that you don't quite 'fit' cuz of the circumstances in your life today.

The Brit (spouse of this recovering alcoholic) hasn't had to live with a drunken wife---yet...and G-d willing, won't. While everyone in the meeting was talking about their active or newly recovering alcoholic, he sat feeling pretty out of place....'his alcoholic' is sober and has been for a great number of 24 hours. And I'm pretty clear, I ain't drinking today so he can feel like he 'belongs'..LOL

He did express this to the group and was met with all sorts of support, assured that he had things to share that were valuable to the group as a whole and that he was indeed, welcome. They also encouraged him to do some service work, get involved in some workshops and conferences and discover he wasn't alone in the circumstances. He's met some great folks who trudged the same road and when the effort to involve himself happened, that feeling of not belonging vanished.

He also had to admit that the feeling of not belonging also was a recurrent one is his life and looked at the bigger problem of how the Brit felt about the Brit. Son of a gun if working the steps didn't change some of that as well!

You just keep going back....find the meeting that works for you and keep doing the deal....wondrous things can happen for you!

Glad you spoke with the group!

[adagio]

I loved your reply. Yes, to a lot of extent it is in my best effort on my own to try to fit in, and not expect others to come to me.

[Lin]

You've had excellent replies before me. I can't add much. If speakijng up helped people understand where you were coming from, and you felt more a part of the group, you may be in the right place! You can always try another one if it gets to be more of a problem.

I really see alanon and acoa as so closely related that they interchange for me. Both programs taught me how to deal with the drinking of another person. One showed me how I was influenced by my upbringing and the other how I was influenced as an adult. BOTh use the same tools, steps, slogans, etc.

The things heard while shareing at meetings may be from a slightly different ap[roach, but if that groups shares e, s, & h...then it matters now what approach they are coming from.

Perhaps going to your f2f each week and trying to make one of the 2 (or BOTH) ACOA metings online..might be an option ffor you.

I personally try to pick a topic I can relate to and share how I ahve grown i this area,.

And your online sponsor was rigth on target...folks dont have to be alkies to have the same characteristics. The could very likely be ACOA and pass on the same things. The SUnday meeting I chair starts with adult children of alcoholics OR OTHER DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES. That covers alot of folks! LOL


Wonderful question!

LIN

[adagio]

Thanks, Lin It's hard to categorize my husband, but I don't have to as long as I heal me. Really, that's what I should be concerned about...not so much fitting in. One woman there, who has been going a long time, seems to have a somewhat similar story to mine, so I like to hear her talk. Thanks, everybody, for the wisdom!

[pieta3]

Hi, I too have an acoa background and also deal with someone elses drinking, although not active, more like a dry drunk behavior. I understand how you can feel out of place at some meetings, as I do too. WHen that happens I look around and listen to what is being said. SOmetimes it's because the group is not so inviting to newcomers ( a recent f2f group) and sometimes it's something that is going on with me...like being uncomfortable in my own skin! The groups, meetings and people here are the best I've ever met and always reach out. Glad you are here!

[adagio]

I did feel very more comfortable and 'fitting in' tonight, because people were more aware of other circumstances of others and I made an effort to join in (i.e. didn't sit in the corner by myself, etc.) I think I will talk to both sponsors about this, because I feel as if I had made a teeny progress in this. I see most of the same people on Wed. night that I do on Monday night and discovered they're more accepting than I gave them credit for. I must have some old tapes from my childhood saying "you're not worthy, you're not worthy". lol

[~graced~]

*chuckling*

Well, if you're anything like I was, and still can be--I could quickly take one look, one lack of greeting, one passing of a book by me instead of to me and summise that it's undoubtedly about MEMEME... I have this itty bitty sh*tty committee in my head that grabs that stuff and twists it and turns it over and over to distort it and to make it all about MEMEME. That's makes it pretty essential that I do exactly what it is that you did--extend myself despite the fear and simply say what's true for me. Generally putting it out there gets me met with an answer that I didn't see coming..LOL...cuz I was convinced I had it 'figured out'.

Oh yeah, I have that "I'm not worth, I'm not worthy" deal that pops up from time to time.....best thing I can do for me is to check my perception (which is generally distored). The other option is to stay stuck--and I'm clear if I do that, I cheat me and other folks over and over and over again.

I wanna be of service to G-d and other people---most days I think the disease and that old way of life would like me stuck in not doing that..and if it can convince me and dishearten me to get me OUT of the solution, it will.

*shrugs*
I'm wierd..LOL...I know!
Still all in all....I'm glad you beat that committee in your head and found out how far from truth your thinking truly was--elsewise you'd have cheated you and others out of great opportunities, eh?

[adagio]

You've got it, graced. I also have this feeling that I have to keep the "committee" in line (squashed down) or they will tell me all kinds of things.
Btw, you are not weird..you're like me. ;D

[majestyjo]

It seems to me that I went to ACoA, AA, NA, and CA for identification, but I went to Al-Anon for my recovery.

Great shares, so glad I have these to look back on.

[caressa222]

Many feel like they don't fit in, I think a lot of it is guilt and not being able to be honest with themselves. They say we need to be honest, open-minded, and willing. It takes a while to achieve this. Recovery doesn't happen over night.

[majestyjo]

Was glad I found AA before I went to ACOA. I identified so much with with their literature, I might have died in my disease and denial.